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In Search Of Lost Time
(lemmy.ml)
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You've set yourself up with some serious expectations my friend, and it seems like the mere concept of not meeting those expectations is causing you distress. One solution would be to develop psychological flexibility. It seems like your drive to be perfect has you stuck, because perfection is an ideal and is not achievable. You need to learn to effectively tolerate being imperfect and doing things imperfectly.
You might try to see a psychotherapist who specializes in treating anxiety disorders like OCD or OCPD. I'm not saying you have either of those, but what you're experiencing would certainly be in their wheelhouse.