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this post was submitted on 22 Sep 2024
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And Finally...
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Now there's a Brexit bonus! Keep your hands off our elephant legs!
One question: are German donners made from beef or did they mean lamb?
Lamb? Luxury! My local kebabbery can only guarantee "animal".
Animal? Luxury! My local kebabshack can only guarantee "stuff".
I want a proper British kebab. I want an angry brown man who is 94% beard to hand me a congealed slab of suspicious meat drenched in garlic sauce. Like I can tell you the kebab I'm eating right now isn't a real kebab because I'm eating it while sober. The Kebab shop is always ran by a huge dude called Amir. Amir does not speak English. He does speak every other language in the world. Including "I'm shit myself drunk" -ese. "HARGHN JUGHBO GELRCIH PLAGHS?" you ask him. He nods. He begins shaving "meat" off that huge fucking rotisserie beef thing. Your brain, floating as it is in vodka, offers one word, "hoss?". Amir grins. He has heard that joke before. There's no horse in Amir's kebabs. Oh no. Horse is for those fancy fuckers on the main road. Amir's meat is heady mix of rat, greyhound and eastern European girls who aren't very good at holding their breath. Amir gestures to the sad-looking vegetables on the counter, but you've already fell asleep with your face pressed against the counter glass. Amir tops your kebab with lettuce, cucumbers, bubble wrap and Styrofoam. He then adds so much garlic sauce that those ingredients cease to be. Amir grunts, and hands you your kebab. He grunts again when you nearly leave without paying. You stagger back to the counter and thrust a - wad of sweaty fivers into his hands. Amir gives you your exact fucking change.
Medical waste. Sometimes with a shoe still attached.
Either chicken or beef. I've never seen lamb Döner here. I also have never seen Döner in Turkey, tbh.
I've had lamb and beef in western Germany (Frankfurt/Mainz). I've had a few doner in turkey and it's not the same at all, barely any veggies and no tzatziki sauce.
It's difficult to go back to the elephant leg afterwards - it's like the chicken doners in that you have slices of lamb pushed down onto the upright skewer. It then comes off more in flakes. When served on the street it is put on slice of ekmek bread Perhaps with a dollop of yoghurt. It's delicious.