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I've lived in NYC for ~15 years, in apartments, and I almost never hear neighbors. Nor have any of my friends complained about loud neighbors often. Problems with neighbors and noise is not an inherent property of apartments.
I have 36 years in apartments across 11 cities (not new york) and it was an issue in all of them.
Maybe NYC tends to have better built apartments? I've only lived here for any length of time. And I haven't been in fancy exclusively apartments.
You may have bad luck. You may also have lower tolerance. Sometimes I hear my neighbor coming or going, but it's unremarkable. It's not loud or disupritve. But If I absolutely hated any reminder that other people exist, it would be a problem.
I'm not talking about basic shit when I talk about loud people, read my list from another comment. Loud arguments, fighting, shooting, etc. Not to mention the bodily fluids left on and around buildings from tenants and their pets. Idk where this idea that shitty people are non existent comes from, but it is a beautiful fantasy.
I haven't had to deal with much of that. I don't know why your experiences were much worse.
It might a difference in income or cultures where we've lived, though I feel I've had a balance and a mixture of issues. These aren't all at once, usually. There are just people who don't give a fuck about how their behavior affects those around them and I'd like to reduce my chances of encountering them, personally.