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Abuse is abuse rule
(lemmy.world)
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this post was submitted on 05 Nov 2024
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I have a friend who I haven't been able to hang out with for several years because his wife is insane and posessive, and he's decided to just ride it out until the kids are all 18 so he can divorce her without having to pay her child support.
He'll still support his children, but he'll do it directly instead of through her.
It’s me, your buddy - well maybe not your exact buddy but a dude living in this same scenario.
Please hang out when that last kid turns 18 and we are free. It’s horribly lonely and there is no one to help. Getting a divorce just means she gets everything including all the time in the world to manipulate the kids.
You don't happen to be an electrician and a central-Texas scuba enthusiast?
Close. Power grid engineer in the Midwest.
Wow, think of the example he's setting. If his kids were in that marriage, would he recommend waiting for 1/5 of their life to go by with a horrible person? How will his kids even know how to have a loving relationship if his parents are that fucked up?
He's a coward who cares more about money than about being a good person or dad.
And that's most men in these relationships. Men would rather cheat and lie than be honest and extend basic respect and communication to their partners. And then get upset when women finally initiate divorce for the broken shitty relationship.
you have issues, please go see a therapist
Wow, this is so insulting and dismissive... and also the fucking point too. Putting children through a horrible relationship is how (one method of many) people grow up to have issues. Saying someone has issues while also saying their opinion on the subject of putting children through hell is invalid because of that is ignorant at best, and at worst purposefully harmful and manipulative.
I am allowed to have issues. Ya know, Corey Feldman and Aaron Carter and others had issues, and they were fucking right.
ya, but you don't need to make them everyone else's issues, because everyone's got issues, and no one deserves to wade through your shit as well
Lol that's what everyone is doing. I'm allowed to do it too.
A parents obligation to their children is more nuanced than your implying, setting an example isn't the only factor. Not to mention abuse is used to break your will to stand up for yourself, and even if that weren't a factor, communication isn't possible with people unwilling to listen.
Relationships are a two way street, but when you've got kids., it's not just about the relationship with your partner anymore
He stated that he wanted control of finances as his main motivator, not abuse.
Yes, the best way to teach your kids how to handle abuse is by being a role model. Sometimes that means leaving the abusive parent and making a safe place away from the abusive parent. How can an 18 year old learn the skill of leaving their abusive parent if it was never modeled to them and the nonabusive parent stuck by them no matter what?
I just told a care provider recently that I've no idea if I'm capable of a healthy relationship, because I don't even know what one looks like from the outside, let alone from the inside. I'm nearly 60.
Sounds more like he's a realist who knows how this will go. Kentucky requires the court in contested custody cases start from a presumption that equal custody is best unless there's a good reason not to and a preponderance of the evidence for that reason. A few other states require the court to at least consider the possibility, but the rest leave contested custody cases entirely up to the judges preferences and biases. The result is that the court tends to be biased against men because "a child needs it's mother" or some similar BS. Couple that with a lot of these cases involving Mom staying in the home and Dad having to find somewhere else to live, and suddenly it's in "the best interest of the child" for Dad to see them every other weekend, at most.
They'd rather be in their children's lives and able to at least try to take care of them than risk losing them altogether while paying their mother for the privilege of being her former victim and just kind of hoping she'll use at least some of that for the kids. And I'm not even going to start on the fundamental "man = bad" presumption here.
Wow, do they give deadbeat dads a manual?
No, courts will always make sure both parents have custody rights because it's about the child's best interest, not the parents. The court does take into consideration how much involvement each parent has in the child's life including who brings them to doctors appointments etc. The court is biased against women, not men, because that's how a patriarchy works.
No, they don't. Or rather, they're not required to (individual judges can if that's their preference). Two states require the courts start from a presumption that equal custody is in the best interests of the child unless there's a good reason for it to be otherwise (and includes an explicitly non-exhaustive list of examples of such reasons), about half a dozen require that the courts "consider" equal custody, and the rest leave it totally up to the judge's preferences and biases. Kentucky was the first state to pass a law requiring a rebuttable presumption of equal custody, and they did that in 2018 (and they were fought against by ostensibly feminist women's lobby groups).
Until the 2000s, most custody was influenced by the old fashioned "tender years" doctrine and the fallout from that - basically the idea that a child needs it's mother so keeping mother and child together as much as possible was in the best interests of the child. At this point you're likely to claim this idea was patriarchy, but it became a thing in the first place because of early agitators for women who could be seen as sort of proto-feminist who were fighting against the previous standard of putting children with whichever parent could better materially support them (usually the father). It was only later that we took to the idea that material support could simply be extracted from one parent and given to the other.
You should probably look at how the court system actually treats people based on sex, rather than just looking at your wildly inaccurate model and assuming that the map matches the territory because it's the map you like. I can go on about how and why it's an inaccurate model, and give some examples of those inaccuracies in action if you'd like, but that's a bit offtopic.
It's especially obvious in criminal courts, and especially when a man and a woman have been arrested for literally the same crime (not just the same kind of charges, but literally the same event). For example, look at the Chicago torture case from 2017 where two black men and two black women essentially kidnapped and tortured a white guy and streamed it on Facebook. The two men got $900k and $800k bail, the women got $500k and $200k bail. They eventually all took plea deals with the men getting 7 and 8 years in prison while the women got 4 years probation and 3 years in prison. This treatment wasn't some kind of weird one-off, but its convenient and illustrative because you had four people who all did the same crime together with an even sex split and a very obvious and dramatic difference in bail and punishment.
Yes I am delusional, all the Trump justices are absolutely impartial to women, how stupid of my woman brain for claiming this
This is a trend that has been ongoing for a long time, long before Trump. No reason to expect Trump justices to be radically different on this than non-Trump justices, especially since most cases (family, criminal and civil) are at the state level and Trump only ever had the power to appoint federal justices.
The only person in this conversation who's blamed anything on you being a woman is you. It's just not a topic a lot of people actually look into with any depth, and generally make assumptions based on what they'd predict from their existing framework of how the world works instead of looking into the stats.
Hell, I didn't even notice you were a woman until I clicked on your profile and got a banner image of cleavage in...is that a Vault-Tec jumpsuit? Did you make it or order it from somewhere?
Lol
Also you'd need to give me money to talk to me about that. Nothing for free for your type anymore. ;)
I'm curious what "my type" is.
I was just curious. A lot of cosplayers make their own, thought it was worth asking. To be honest, you being an OF model, essentially a no contact sex worker maintaining a para social relationship with a bunch of guys responsible for your income kinda helps explain why you seem to default to seeing the worst in guys.
Please insert coin to continue
LOL
You're being down voted, but I mostly agree with you. Putting your kids through the issues of your failing relationship isn't doing them any good either. There's no good answer, but staying for your children is often putting them through even more trauma than the divorce would.
My child seems to be in a reasonably healthy relationship. It's a wonder since I put them through a few bad ones, but I eventually left. They've been in a stable relationship for five years. I don't pry much and I pray they aren't staying because they feel they'd flounder, otherwise. Their partner is a good person, in not implying they aren't. Compatibility is a thing, common interests are necessary.
Yeah, it's possible for sure. I know I for one have issues caused by my parents constant arguing and issues (and they somehow aren't divorced, though I believe that should be). Sometimes people go through hell and come out better for it, but I don't think we should expect that.
Oh I'm amazed. They're truly accomplishing the Great Work.
Yes, because if the nonabusive parent can find a nonabusive partner, that gives a kid a chance with a true loving home and a way to learn prosocial behaviors and how to have a truly respectful and loving relationship. You can't change that they have an abusive parent, but you can help them learn how to not accept that abuse and not perpetuate it.
Like if I leave my husband who hit me, I'm showing my daughter to do that if her boyfriend ever hits her. If I stay, I'm just teaching her to endure abuse. It's the same if Dad does it, too - he's a role model as well. And further, this excuse is the exact one men DM me before asking to cheat on their wives ('shes crazy and im just staying for the kids') so I frankly have zero tolerance for it. Grow a backbone and some morals and get a divorce. You're not helping your kids, you're helping yourself.