Trigger warning: Topic of Suicide

When I was a kid, my mom would read the news about some famous people who killed themselves, or some random college kid killing themselves, and she told me those stories and ask me what I thought of it. I thought they were stupid for killing themselves, because nothing could possibly be worse than death, I thought, childhood me chouldn't understand the thought of suicide.

Then I slowly became depressed and I became so bored of life and I became a suicidal person that younger me would've looked at me and think it's stupid.

Well I did not really did a serious attempt, but I did like very reckless things like I once took an entire month supply of antidepressants desparately wanting to feel better, I did this like I think 5 times. I also took like 15 sleeping pills at a time for like serveral times within a few months. I even took like like 30 then my body just couldnt handle it and I threw up. I also ignored health advice like getting vaccinated for covid (don't judge, my head wasn't even in the right place to think clearly) even tho I am usually pro vaccine, I just decided I wanted to increase my odds of dying. Well I didn't die, which kinda sucks. I also don't really care about my weight and just eat whatever I felt like. I'm pre diabetic, might get diabetes. I might have stomach issues with GERD or whatever but I dont even care.

I'm not brave enough to end it immediately, so I'm just slowly killing my self.

Oh yea dont even get me started on how my depression got me into a fight in high school that ended up with me detained for a few hours at the police station. I didn't start the fight but whatever. F the police.

My life is just a downward spiral, recent election results is pushing me towards the edge. Never forsaw this shitty future.