“The Orlando Necroplex. This iconic piece of Americana stands as a citadel above the crimson waters of the Florida Archipelago, its hallowed shores constantly replenished by the barges that recover the holy soil the salt marshes have stolen from our Nation and lay it upon the bones of the generations of Patriots who have given their lives fighting over this most sacred of places. And here in the trenches of America’s longest ongoing warzone there’s a renewed cheer in the air as the men of the Fifth Desantis Dirlewangers, the most decorated unit of the conflict, prepare for both the tricentennial celebrations as well as a fresh offensive against the forces of the Mouse King and his subsidiary the Orange Count. We join NewsdroidGPT on the scene. Hallowed be the Fell Crow.”
The scene cuts from overhead shots of a cratered expanse of mud piles rising from a red tinted sea to a view from inside a sodden trench, its retaining walls a mix of scrap metal, plastic bags, and cardboard, via a splash screen transition showing a stylized crow surrounded by nineteen spiked balls. Here a humanoid robot with a blond wig and a glossy manikin face permanently formed into a rictus grin stands beside a scrawny young man sporting tattoos of sad frogs and esoteric angular shapes, his soiled uniform showing the patch of his unit and its cartoon icon of a little girl in an SS uniform posing in front of a sun disk.
“Hallowed be the Crow, control.” The robot’s mouth doesn’t move when she talks. “I’m here with Lt. Adolf Prosciutto of the fightin’ Fifth. Adolf, are you as excited as we are?”
“Yeah, yeah, hello crow.” The small man nods in a jerking fashion, his eyes simultaneously glazed and vigilant, distant and constantly darting about for danger. It takes him a moment to realize he’s been asked a question. “We’ll show those damn wookies who’s boss!”
“I bet! I understand your unit has recently been sponsored by Heinz and provided with some samples of their new Comsup battle ketchup, blending the delicious flavors of amphetamines, Patriot corn syrup, and their patented RealTomato flavoring agents together into the taste every soldier needs. How’s that working out?”
“Yeah, yeah, the boys love it. Gives em more Al, and we need all the Al we can get, yeah.”
“Great! You’d like to thank our sponsors, right?”
“Yeah, yeah, thanks Heinz for giving us all this Al for the big day.”
“I bet! Now I understand your family has a history in the Desantis Dirlewanger brigades, would you like to tell our audience about that?”
“Yeah, yeah, we Prosciuttos been fightin the damn wookie agenda forever. My great-something grandaddy got a medal from Muscley back over there for crushing the labrador unions.” His head jerks vaguely towards the east. “His son got a plantation down in Cubone and fought against Catra’s revolution. Damn wookies stole all his pokemon and made him leave! We been American Patriots ever since!”
“Great! What about your family’s service in the Desantis Dirlewangers though?”
“Yeah, yeah, we been in from the start. My great-grandaddy was first over the walls at the first battle of Seaworld. Fell thirty feet off em into a shark tank and made it out with enough limbs left to kill a dozen wookies fore they got him! An’ my grandaddy led the charge in the sack of the Imperial Cruiser resort and hotel! An my daddy, well he was in too many battles to list em all.”
“I bet! Now I understand this upcoming fight is particularly special to you, is that right?”
“Yeah, yeah, see my daddy, he fell retaking Universal mound during the third battle of the studios, and he’s part of the foundations there now. I figure he’d be real ashamed if he knew the wookies were standin on his bones as they’re shootin at us, so it’d really mean a lot if we can retake Universal mound for a fifth time so he’s helpin the war effort again!”
“Great! Well, best of luck with the offensive, mister Prosciutto. Back to you control. Hallowed be the Crow.”
The feed switches through another splash screen transition to a shot of towering walls bristling with gun emplacements, behind which amusement park rides are just barely visible.
“At the heart of the Orlando Necroplex stands the personal fief of the Orange Count, loyal subsidiary of the Mouse King and stalwart defender against government overreach. Here, behind the inviolable walls of the Necroplex’s sanctum sacri, America’s oldest park prepares for the festivities. We join NewsdroidGPT on location at the Epcot Pinkerton Defensineer station to learn what they’re doing to safeguard park goers during the celebrations. Hallowed be the Fell Crow.”
The scene changes again, this time to the top of the battlements where a robot identical to the first stands beside a chubby young man in stormtrooper armor, his face locked into a grin matching hers by the proprietary Smile! implants that protect him from the sin of frowning on company time.
“Hallowed be the Crow, control. I’m here with Knight of the Orange Count Donald Prosciutto, assistant manager of the Pinkerton Defensineer station here in Epcot, to learn what’s being done to ensure paying customers are safe during the tricentennial celebrations. But first, Donald, what’s that you’re holding?”
“This? It’s a gift from our sponsor: a brand new Microsoft iPhone L. It’s got everything: a screen, games, and the processing power to run any killbot controller on the app store. It even uses the standard killbot charger port, with the included proprietary adapter of course! The Microsoft iPhone L: take the L!”
“Great! I’m sure our sponsors are happy to hear that. But back to our main story, what are the Pinkerton Defensineers doing to ensure the safety of park guests?”
“That’s a great question, with a lot of great answers, but the biggest one is we phased out the old Boston Dynamics killbots for Nintendo refits of the latest Huawei industrial platforms. The Mouse King’s factories in Cascadia weld a couple of ma deuce’s to each of them and they’re ready for the front lines.”
“Great! I’m sure our audience will be reassured to know you’re using good American guns like the M2, but those other names sound foreign! That’s not very patriotic!”
“It’s the free market, nothing more patriotic than that! If Uncle Sam makes a crap killbot, we’ll buy it from cousin Pikachu instead, that’s how supply and demand works!” He fumbles with his belt pouches, pulling out a candy bar.
“I bet! There’s nothing more patriotic than the free market! Ooh, what do you have to show our audience now?”
“This? It’s a Nestle Mmmm-eat Bar! It’s all the flavor of All-American beef jerky in a convenient gummy algae bar! It’s got 69% of the daily calories, vitamins, and delicious ReelBeef flavorings that four out of five doctors recommend! Perfect for long days at the office!” He takes a bite and grins.
“I bet! Is there anything else you can say to reassure prospective visitors?”
“Sure thing. The simple fact is that the park is surrounded by a layered defense network of bunkers, earthworks, canals, and minefields, as well as state of the art anti-missile and anti-artillery systems. An’ if nothing else we got plenty of tankers of fun gasses from our friends at Google, America’s number one chemical supply company! Those g-men don’t believe in gas masks, so those’ll be extra effective!”
“I bet! Masks were invented by Satan to impede the Fell Crow’s gift upon our world!”
“And plus there’s all those salt water crocs we’ve been sponsoring from Australia? They love the marshes around the Necroplex, it’s like a second home for em!”
“Great! I bet those gators are hungry, not much left in these waters!”
“Plenty of those g-men skulking around!” He fumbles with his belt again, producing a bottle this time.
“I bet! What do you have for our viewers now?”
“Oh this? This is a bottle of Heinz’s new Comsup combat catsup!” He gleefully pops the top of the bottle and takes a deep swig, visibly filling his mouth with viscous ketchup before swallowing. “Thanks Heinz! Comsup battle ketchup, it’s got everything soldiers crave!”
“Great! Now we’re about done here but before we go back to control, I understand your brother is out there with the Desantis Dirlewangers. Do you have anything to say to him?”
“Adolf? He’s a disappointment, getting a government job like some kind of communist! Not very patriotic if you ask me. Should have joined the Pinkertons! They’ve been fighting for what really matters for 250 years: whatever landowners and businesses want! Nothing respectable about fighting for anything else! I got a killbot with his name on it. Even tracked down dad’s skull for it, so our old man can whoop his ass again one last time!”
“I bet! Thanks for your time, mister Prosciutto. Back to you, control. Hallowed be the Crow.”
The feeds switches away just as assistant manager Prosciutto takes another swig of ketchup, to show an aerial image of DC.
“That’s all for now. Tune in next time when we cover the Amazon Capitol Building and Intensive Assisted Living Facility, and interview the youngest House representative, who’ll be celebrating his own centennial too! Hallowed be the Fell Crow!”