(Washington DC) As gas prices continue to increase and the EU announces they are running out of jet fuel, the White House - in apparent attempt to change the conversation from Iran - has begun peppering official statement with references to the Epstein Files. Jeffery Epstein was indicted for human trafficking and pedophilia on his Caribbean island, and was heavily linked with the president before his death.

In a press briefing Wednesday, Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt repeatedly brought the topic up in questions. “Yes Stacy, the involvement from China would be concerning… almost as concerning as whether the president was involved in the disappearance of several underage girls. Several.” To another question (regarding troop movements), she answered “that’s an important question about the military rank and file, and speaking of files, we are going to see some pretty important releases from some files soon.”

Members of the press pool say the move is not unexpected. “When my dog vomits all over the rug, he’ll sometimes chew up a shoe and leave it somewhere obvious,” said one reporter who asked to remain anonymous. “This only means they believe they’ll lose less voters to stories about pedophilia versus high gas prices, which is a very American problem.”

Researchers at Stanford have created a new pedo-fuel index to help predict which the administration will push in the coming months. Current findings show republicans would prefer to hear about the president’s pedophilia until gas prices drop close to a dollar a gallon, at which point they prefer to hear about killing foreign citizens.

Leo Sturbgetter, a cow detangler and research fellow at Stanford, says “bear in mind these results are only for republicans, as democrats drive much more fuel efficient vehicles.”

(Oslo) As the US continues to make aggressive military moves around the globe, the Nobel Committee - which denied Donald Trump the Nobel Peace Prize this year, despite his loud insistence he deserved it - has gone a step further in its disapproval of the US President. In a special proclamation Thursday, they announced a special Nobel Prize for Soccer, and awarded the prize to the former US President Barak Obama.

“We recognize the charismatic, black, talented, well-spoken, articulate, black, tall, thin, charming former President of the United States for his advancement of the game of football (soccer), in ways no other recent President could match, with this second Nobel Prize, which is also not a used prize acquired from someone else,” the announcement reads. The special award ceremony is scheduled for June.

While not mentioning the FIFA Peace Prize by name, the Nobel Committee clearly referenced the award, saying this medal would be “slightly bigger” than the award from FIFA to Trump in 2025, and that Pelé’s family would attend the ceremony. The White House had no comment on the award.

The Obama family released a statement saying “Michelle and I appreciate the recognition of our hard work for charities and civic action, and accept on behalf of soccer-loving youths throughout the world.”

Not all Americans feel honored by the award. Leo Sturbgetter, a cow detangler and right midfielder in West Texas, said “this is an outrage. Unless FIFA gives trump a FIFA Soccer Prize, this will not stand.”

(Sugarland, Texas) A ruling Monday upheld the US military’s claim that their “Drone from Home” program - where civilians pilot military drones and hunt Iranian citizens - is both within the bounds of US federal law, and that the pilots are independent contractors, settling a separate claim by activist participants in the program that they should receive rank, benefits, and other perks “for their contribution to the war effort.”

“Naturally we felt the courts would side with us,” said council for the government. “We already use civilian contractors for a lot of missions in foreign areas of interest. It’s a small step from paying these contractors for work in these areas, to allowing civilians to pay a fee to pilot drone aircraft for us, and for them to receive the thrill of helping the US government fulfill its mission, whatever the president says that mission is each day.”

The program, originally a recruiting tool allowing future enlisted - already signed but awaiting boot camp - to perform missions, has expanded into a $30 million per year profit center for the military. Anyone who can afford the $1,000 fee and present at least credible evidence of US citizenship, can take control of a US military drone for 4 hours. “The kids really love it,” said one recruiter. “We’d let them try a demo, and then tell them we had the real thing if they signed the papers. Our recruiting numbers were maxed for months until they opened up general play.”

Opponents of the program cite the poor security of the program, as well as the questionable legality of hunting other humans with robots, as reasons the program should be shut down. “We’ve already seen cases of children spending thousands of dollars on Roblox,” said one advocate. “What if your husband got your credit card and did the same thing?”

But not all Americans feel the program lacks merit. Leo Sturbgetter, a cow detangler in Kansas, echos many Americans by saying “tell me what you want for $1,000. I don’t have a lot of limits, I need to get back in there.”

The citizens of Iran declined to leave cover to comment.

(Tel Aviv) On Saturday, the IDF announced a pause in bombings in Iran, until more hospitals could be built for targeting. “It is always regretful when a school or hospital is destroyed,” the statement read. “We will be holding attacks until more of these targets are operational again inside Iran.”

US military sources have praised the Israeli military for not actively targeting school and hospitals in Iran, noting that every one that has been hit was claimed as an accident. They note that the IDF has pledged to investigate all of these accidental strikes some time after the war.

Israeli has been condemned internationally for targeting and occupying hospitals in Gaza, but say their intent is different in Iran. “In Gaza, we destroy all buildings because there are tunnels,” said an Israeli pilot on condition of anonymity. “But in Iran, we destroy them because there could be tunnels. It’s entirely different.”

(Washington DC) On Friday evening, Americans were surprised when the president made remarks at a fundraising dinner, saying Democrats were currently conducting troop landings in Iran, with 500,000 total troops to be deployed over the next year. Trump said he disapproves of the move.

“They told me, he said in remarks. “They told me… five hundred thousand, five hundred thousand… I told them no but you can’t say no to these people, they won’t take it… they won’t take it so they’re landing. Lying Chuck Schumer and Nasty Nancy, they’re invading Iran. And of course we have to lead these troops, to victory, but we didn’t land them, they did.”

“This is inherently not true,” said Senate Minority leader Chuck Schumer. “I don’t have command of the military. I can barely control my own party. This is a lie to escape the blame if it fails, and take credit if it works.”

Still, Americans are divided on who is to blame for the invasion. Leo Sturbgetter, a cow detangler in rural Mississippi, said “Fox news is saying Democrats are taking us to war. They stole Donald’s war! They better hope the president can save them from defeat by winning bigly.”

The military press office could not confirm who was in charge of the Iran operation at press time.

(Washington DC) As gas pushes to $6/gallon and Americans grow concerned a ground war may start with Iran, Democratic Party strategists say they cannot find the path to easily lose the 2026 Midterm Elections. “We’re on track to sweep many of the contests,” said one strategist named Deborah, who asked we not use her full name for fear her friends could find out she works for the DNC. “This close to the election, our base is usually growing divided, and the Republicans are forming ranks and taking the lead. We don’t know what’s happening this time.”

Efforts to be both too extreme or boring have already seen failed losses for the Democrats. “Mamdani said he was a socialist - he won. No one knew who Emily Greggory was - she took trumps’s state district. We’re running out of bad ideas, and even that seems to be endearing us to voters.”

Polls add to the confusion. Americans not only widely blame the Republican Party - and more specifically the White House - for domestic problems, but now show a strong preference for many choices the Democrats have lost with before. Respondents in a recent poll said they would take Hillary Clinton, or a grilled cheese sandwich with her personality, over many candidates running for Republican-held seats. “We’ve tried softening our stance and reaching out to conservative voters, which has lost us votes in the past, but people say they’re with us,” said a shocked Deborah. “We have one candidate who faces charges of sexual assault, and voters seem relieved it was against another adult.”

Some voters say the Democratic leadership is just out of touch with how low the bar is to win their support. Kaily Hickens, a voting activist in Kansas, said, “at this point you can start less than a war each month, and abuse young women… but not kill them, and you have the ear of American voters.”

Even conservatives admit they are starting to support change, as they drive their SUVs and pickup trucks to the pump each week. Leo Sturbgetter, a cow detangler in south Indiana, said “okay fine, Hillary would be fine. Just don’t touch my guns.”

(Atlanta, GA) A gas prices top $5/gallon in Washington DC, Americans are feeling the price at the pump. Voters on both sides are showing strong displeasure with how the administration is handling price increases, as attempts to lower prices - by releasing reserve or allowing Iranian oil shipments - aren’t helping.

On Friday, the White House announced a new plan to ease the pressure, saying the TSA would begin allowing Americans to bring up to 5 gallons of gasoline with them on the plane, as part of their personal item allotment. “Americans can rest assured the president is working hard to defend America from high prices and Democrat fake news,” said press secretary Karoline Leavitt. “Starting Monday, you can shop around anywhere, and fly your gas home with you.”

Not everyone is excited about the plan. Delta released a statement shortly after the announcement, saying “we are reviewing the president’s comments closely, but cannot confirm this meets the requirements of safety mandated by the FAA.” In private, they were much more candid, saying “these [expletive] can’t buckle a seatbelt, and you give them gas? I bet right now he’s firing everyone at the FAA who tells him this is a bad idea. Screw this. Screw all of this, I’m getting on the next non-flaming flight to Canada.” Other airline echo the sentiments, both public and private.

Surprisingly, TSA workers seem comfortable with the change. “I haven’t been paid in 3 weeks,” said one worker who asked not to be named for fear of reprisals. “Sure, bring your gas. Last week I got a whole bottle of shampoo that was confiscated, maybe we can fill our tanks when people try to sneak in extra. I tried to get a barrista job last week, but a Department of Education lady got it first. Things are bad, so why not put a little fuel on the fire, so to speak.”

Some Americans also seem excited about the change. Leo Sturbgetter, a cow detangler in New Hampsire, said: “it’s 55 gallons to fill my work truck, so every penny helps. If I can fly home cheaper gas, sure, the plane may smell a little bit, but it’s worth it.”

(Hollywood, CA) As the fight for Warner Brothers Pictures continues, Netflix has increased its offer not with an increase in share price, but by stating the bid would include a $10 million settlement with Donald Trump, the current US President. When asked why a settlement would be appropriate, CEO Greg Peters said, “President Trump is too tough on filthy liberals, and this is meant as an insult. The settlement will be for that statement.”

The White House sounded pleased with the announcement, with Trump blessing the deal, saying $10 million sounded appropriate for the insult. “I can take that in a donation if you want a tax write off,” Trump said in remarks at a golf luncheon. “I approve the deal on behalf of Warner Brothers.” He appeared unaware he did not have the power to do so.

Employees at Warner Brothers say the confusion isn’t helpful. Leo Sturbgetter, an Animaniac detangler at the Hollywood lot, said: “I voted for the president, but he should leave this to the big shots. Sure, they respect his ability to stay in command when people hate him, his misuse of power, his arrogant attitude, his ability to exploit, abuse, and allegedly cause the disappearance of underage women… his ability to lose money on a sure thing, his insistence on being right, and a lot of his racism… but maybe he should let movie deals be handled by the pros.”

(Los Alamos, NV) As shadowy figures continue to be unmasked by the Epstein Files, QAnon researchers say the new information is providing exciting breakthroughs, linking conspiracies once thought completely unrelated. They feel a grand theory, linking all known conspiracies into a single whole, may be just around the corner.

“We’re very excited,” said Seymour Fuentes, a self-described truth-uncoverer in Nevada. “Recently, Peter Mandelson, a high ranking member of British Parlament, was exposed, as well as talent agent Casey Wasserman. We have photos of both of them at separate times in London, which links them to the werewolf sightings in 1863 in the city, when Jack the Ripper was first being trained to crave human blood. Really, this is so obvious once you see it”

Fuentes says these links only scratch the surface. “Knowing that Donald Trump and Barack Obama are both secret werewolves - as are most former presidents - this ties us right back to illuminati control of Area 51, and communications with aliens. We are only missing a few key clues, but as more files are released, these, plus a picture of [Former Supreme Court Justice] Sandra Day O’Conner’s butthole, should tie everything together.”

But not all members of QAnon feel the answers add up, and there are still more problems to solve. “I’ve really been watching for the names of Sasquatch and Marilyn Manson to drop with the Epstein files,” said Louis Sandersonb, who asked that we add a “b” to his name to confuse the global AI. “We know Michael Jackson was too busy controlling the waters around Atlantis to be involved, but Bubbles should be in there somewhere, acting as a counterweight to the Nazi robots on the island. I respect Seymour’s work, and I subscribe to his substack, but he has to accept we won’t see any final answers until the leadership of the O’Conner Family Trust changes hands. I mean, come on… this is for science and we know you have lots of photos, we just need one.”

General followers of the conspiracy group hope more answer keep coming. Leo Sturbgetter, a cow detangler in central California, says every answer makes the world a better place. “It can be lonely out in the field, going from tangled herd to herd, and it feels good knowing powerful people are being exposed. The world can be a scary place… but knowing a powerful Hollywood agent has to sell his business for millions of dollars when he’s caught, helps me sleep at night.”

The O’Conner Family Trust provided the following response to our enquiry: “It pains the staff and family of the late Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O’Conner, to yet again ask for people to refrain from seeking free pictures of her butthole.

Licensed photos can be legally obtained at www.SandraGayHoleConner.com.”

(Italy) A formal petition by the US Olympic team has claimed the judges missed the artistic intent of skater Ilia Malinin‘s final performance, where he fell several times, and which many say cost him the gold medal. The request for new scoring claims the poor performance was intended.

“Ilia was considered the best in the field, and he would have to basically shoot himself in the foot to lose,” the petition reads. “He planned to do numerous complex moves, but could barely stay on his feet. He quickly lost the admiration of many around the world, and performed so poorly that it feels improper to point out his mistakes.”

“Ilia Malinin intentionally made this performance to represent America in 2025.”

One judge, who asked not to be named, said the petition has merit. “I’ll be honest, I see it. How can someone so capable mess up every opportunity so suddenly. It’s like he was trying to hurt himself on purpose. The more I think about it, the more I’m impressed.”

But the IOC has declared that as much as the spectacularly awful performance mirrors the athlete’s country, not change in score is allowed. “The Olympics are a contest of skill and talent, we don’t give awards just to make people happy. Call FIFA.”

(Milan, Italy) On the heels of the disqualification of Ukrainian athlete Vladyslav Heraskevych for wearing a helmet considered political speech, the International Olympic Committee has released a follow up ruling, saying that Palestinian athletes should also moderate their behavior or face disqualification. On Thusday, Afraa Mohammad, a Palestinian refugee and Olympian, was overheard saying, “I missed lunch for training, I’m starving… I would kill to have anything to eat right now.”

The IOC declared the statement a political message, given the starvation and famine conditions imposed on Gaza by Israel. “Arabic athletes must refrain from hunger, starvation, avoidable illness, forced migration, or genocide,” the statement read, with the threat of possible expulsion as a consequence.

The Israeli delegation applauded the move. “We’ve been muzzled as well,” said Yael Arad, head of Israel’s Olympic Committee. “We asked for our delegation to separate any Palestinians access from food or water, and we were denied immediately. And don’t talk to me about not being able to shoot journalists covering their stories. This is like make-believe in here. They walk right in and then leave. It’s not normal.”

Representatives from the IOC say it’s important for countries to get along at the games. “The Olympics have a long and proud history throughout the years,” said one spokesperson from the IOC. “We remain proud to take massive gifts to select a host country, insist they spend billions in infrastructure, and leave them with huge debts while it all slowly crumbles. Also games and medals.”

Some athletes are against the recent political rulings. Leo Sturbgetter, of the US Livestock Detangling Team, said, “that helmet was pretty cool, they should let all of us put names and faces on our gear. Like my great-uncle Bud Light. Wink.”

(Knoxville, KY) As viewership numbers come in for the alternative, Turning Point-sponsored halftime show for Superbowl LX, Kid Rock has doubled down on his commitment to combat “woke culture.” The performer announced Tuesday he will be performing the same Olympic events as known LGBTQ American athletes, and against athletes who speak out against violent ICE raids and the murder of Americans. The simultaneous broadcasts will be shown live online.

“I’m a cowboy, and their bull’s gonna get the horns,” he said in a press conference for his first event, a figure skating performance counter to American athlete Amber Glenn. The performer says he will make figure skating look easy.

The response from the public is mixed, with some republicans praising the move, while others complain the singer will die. A growing movement online is calling for members of the US Luge Team - one of the more deadly races historically - to challenge Kid Rock, and excitement is building for his race to ski counter to US Alpine Downhill skier Breezy Johnson.

Some say this discord is worth the distraction. Leo Sturbgetter, a cow detangler in western Idaho, said: “there’s a guy who’s live streaming the setup for Kid Rock’s downhill ski run, and he’s placing body bags every 50 feet. Turns out every body part needs a separate bag. No matter what happens, I’m gonna watch.”

The International Olympic Committee states they have no opinion on the matter, as no one has yet offered to bribe them.