Years from now you'll remember the good times and the shitty days won't be rembered often. Kids idolize their parents whether we're worthy or not. My house is a mess too. We are all just getting by some days. Don't beat yourself up. Try to make tomorrow a little better.
Thanks. Yea I fall into these cycles of telling myself not to get frustrated and then I do even though there's a voice telling me this isn't helping, by being short with my kid etc. I know they're resilient, but man it doesn't feel good when you react to your buttons getting pushed and the filters come off. Sigh. yea tomorrow's another day.
It's not meant to be, man.
I remember being a kid, back when people had kids early and grandparents were both still around and healthy enough to help. I used to spend full weekends at my grandma's, or at friends' places or with aunts and uncles and other relatives. And a bit later kids would get together and roam the streets in packs.
We made it so kids only get to hang out with their parents and must be under constant supervision and it's an entirely absurd proposition.
Yea, my mom was the most hands-on grandparent but she passed a couple years ago. The rest...very hands off. She was great when he was little but the funny thing is I don't ever remember her playing with me when I was a kid. When did we switch our mentality to just being so actively parenting all the time?
It's been a single generation, as I remember it. At least if you were born in the 80s/early 90s.
The average age to have a first child has skyrocketed and, particularly in some parts of the world, the idea of an extended family is no longer a thing. The support network has frayed a TON and the level of demand on parents has gone up at the same time.
And nobody seems to acknowledge it, honestly. At least outside bad faith fascistoid tradwife peddlers. But this isn't about traditional gender roles, it's about telling all parents that they need to constantly monitor their kids for two decades and simultaneously cutting them off from any source of help during that period (unless they're filthy rich and can pay for dedicated labor to replace that support).
It's not practical at all.
No wonder no one's having kids
Bruh, my mom actively made sure I was home, but wouldn't play with me. She and her subhuman husband at the time drank and smoked cigarettes in the house while listening to music and I was expected to play with my toys alone. The only time I got to hang out with my friends was during rigid playdates and before they got home. And that was only because they were absent.
But with my kid, she'll play pretend endlessly. However, I won't allow her to be alone with my son because of the subtle propaganda I remember as a kid. "you wouldnt want someone to make a living without doing anything for it, would you?" This is why Grammy isn't allowed around my child by herself. I honestly wish she would die already so I don't have to explain these complex things with him.
I think, children need more than two people looking after them.
I am so sad that religion forced society to normally live in groups with only two adults to rise kids.
At least Christians did.
I'm feeling the same way today. Between my ADHD and my wife's handicap, we just don't keep up on the house or many of the important things we need to do. And I totally feel you on things not having a place. We were finally, finally about to get rid of a box of stuff, baby toys, but now we're expecting our third child (gratefully), so we have to keep it all again.
This week my wife is out of town, so I feel all the weight of the mess on me, like I need to have it clean, even though I can't make myself go through the steps.
Tonight I'm going to get a big box and fill it up with all the stuff that doesn't have a place. Then, someday soon or months from now, we'll go through the box. But tonight it won't feel so bad.
Not trying to offer advice, but that's what I'm hoping to do.
Sounds like a good plan. Yea part of it is...my mom was a hoarder (not like TV show levels but definitely a hoarder) and I rub up against the fact that I have the same tendencies. It's livable but I realized my livable is at a level that's probably kind of embarrassing to the average person. Been doing some purges but it's never enough. I have to face the fact that I have tendencies to want to hold onto things beyond what is reasonable. Reasonable would be a proper place in the house for what we have. If there isn't space, it's too much stuff and I can never seem to get down to that level. I have stopped a lot of discretionary spending though at least, used to do weekly Target runs but haven't been since about February.
That's the kind of progress I wish I could make. Everyone tells me I need to get rid of things, then when I'm ready to throw something away, those same people are like, "Well don't throw that away. It's in good condition."
But it's more complicated with my kids' stuff. I was very attached to things when I was little, and my parents would throw things away without telling me. I promised I'd never do that with my kids, but my daughter is so attached to everything that the end result is that nothing gets thrown out ever.
Being able to identify things that could be thrown away, then throwing them away? Difficult as it is, it sounds like a blessing.
I feel the same on the "livable" thing. I know that the condition my house is in might be unacceptable to a lot of people, but I try to accept that I have limited capacity and that I focus on the things that matter. Like I prioritize quality time and healthy meals for my kids.
I mentioned this to my therapist who agreed that it was a healthy attitude. Then I was like, "As long as my kids are healthy and happy, who cares if the floor hasn't been mopped in six months?" and her eyes widened like she hadn't thought it was that bad.
Yea that's tough. Honestly what has helped with the mindset, my mom has since passed and of course I wish she was still here, but it has given me permission to let go of a lot of things. I am slowly trying to help my dad go through their house and it's....a lot. But in the end it's as you say what matters is your health, times with loved ones etc. Towards the end, I told her it was just stuff and don't worry about it anymore. But now when I purge at their house...she isn't telling me she can use this or that and I can just get on with it. My dad has a bit of it too so I just don't even let him look at the bags of stuff I donate or trash now. Oh yea check out Freecycle, trash Nothing or buy nothing. A bit of a double edged sword cause you can use those services to get things. But I have given away a lot of things on there and it feels good.
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