How to commit a murder according to the TV show Columbo (hexbear.net)

submitted 4 months ago by ButtBidet@hexbear.net to c/movies@hexbear.net

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Even though you're in the top 0.1%, under no circumstances should you hire a hitman.
Have some elaborate and complicated plan to create an alibi. It should involve changed clocks around or having everyone think you're there when you're really not. The more intricate your alibi plan is, the better. All of those 30 steps in your plan will go perfectly.
You're gonna kill the closest person to you, either your spouse, your parent, or your best friend.
Spend under 5 seconds feeling sad that the closest person to you is now dead. Get back to what you were doing before the murder. Let everyone know that you're a happier version of yourself before that person died.
Befriend in the warmest possible way the head investigator for the murder you just did. Let the guy into your home and offer him any courtesy and assistance that you can provide. Let him get cigar ash all over your personal space.
Let the police search your home at all hours. Never insist on a warrant. Talk to the cops like you would your family. Never demand your right to have a lawyer present.
After the homicide department has discovered a few inconsistencies in your story, just confess the murder immediately. Accept that you'll spend the rest of your life in jail, there's not point in fighting.
Look that pig in the eye that got you a long jail sentence with profound love

Sorry I just binge watched seasons 1-5

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[-] Rom@hexbear.net 22 points 4 months ago* (last edited 4 months ago)

Don't forget to act surprised when Columbo figures out exactly how the murderer carried out the act, then carefully offer up alternative theories to divert the focus of the investigation away from you (which is doomed to fail, Columbo will either tear your theory to itty bitty shreds or just pretend to accept it and come after you harder)

[-] ButtBidet@hexbear.net 20 points 4 months ago

I'd like to think that if I was trying to be a bystander to a crime, if a cop asked me random questions about the investigations, I'd answer "dude, why the fuck are you asking me?!?". Not "oh maybe it was cloudy that day" and suggest you have more foresight about the crime than a normal person should.

[-] HarryLime@hexbear.net 20 points 4 months ago

There's really no such thing as "hiring a hitman" if you're not in organized crime.

[-] FedPosterman5000@hexbear.net 20 points 4 months ago

The spouse of an old acquaintance of mine tried to hire a hitman on Craigslist to kill him (I believe it was the classic life insurance fraud/divorce alternative). Believe it or not it was a fed fedposting

[-] plinky@hexbear.net 18 points 4 months ago* (last edited 4 months ago)

it's called telling your bodyguards to do some overtime (considering bezos and gates both just divorced, they don't make them like that anymore tbh)

*but actually, what's the last known case of haute bourgeoisie plausibly mercing someone over inheritance? or is this exclusively landed aristocracy know-how?

[-] SovietBeerTruckOperator@hexbear.net 6 points 4 months ago

I've heard a theory that if you're super rich you can go to a private detective firm and ask them to set you up with a hitman, but you'd have to offer them a shit ton of money cuz if they get busted doing that they're gonna get totally dismantled by law enforcement, but IDK if there's any truth to that.

[-] ButtBidet@hexbear.net 11 points 4 months ago

I'm gonna hire hitman to get the person who's trying to ruin my hexbear bit

/s (I actually wouldn't want anyone to lose sleep over that)

[-] GoodGuyWithACat@hexbear.net 7 points 4 months ago

But I saw that movie The Hitman.

[-] SovietBeerTruckOperator@hexbear.net 6 points 4 months ago

Yeah how would a normal person, even a very rich one, go about hiring a hitman if they didn't at least know someone involved in the mob? It ain't like there's a craiglist for this shit (despite what some people will claim about the Darkweb). Do you just go to a seedy bar and ask some scary looking dude?

The only theory I've heard is that super rich people can ask a private detective firm to do it, but you'd probably have to offer them a SHIT TON of movie to take that risk.

[-] rufuscrispo@hexbear.net 16 points 4 months ago

7b: Or if you are in a prolonged bout of dementia or in the manipulations of an italian and your estranged mother, escape scot free!

[-] KnilAdlez@hexbear.net 15 points 4 months ago* (last edited 4 months ago)

You forget that Columbo works in the narcissist division of the homicide unit

[-] SovietBeerTruckOperator@hexbear.net 11 points 4 months ago

I was gonna say, the show only makes sense if LAPD has a specific "rich asshole who probably got murder by other rich asshole" unit, and that unit is just Colombo.

[-] jack@hexbear.net 11 points 4 months ago

It's implicit that he's the only person who's actually interested in punishing rich people

[-] KnilAdlez@hexbear.net 8 points 4 months ago

I haven't seen a lot of the show, but what I have seen, they always use some sort of new (for the time) technology to commit or cover up the murder, which implies he exclusively investigates tech bros

[-] 30_to_50_Feral_PAWGs@hexbear.net 15 points 4 months ago* (last edited 4 months ago)

When in doubt, train your dogs to go into a killing frenzy when hearing Orson Welles quotes. Or get extremely handsy with Robert Vaughn in the front seat of your Peugeot before repeatedly shouting, "THE COMMODORE'S WATCH" at a room full of people. Or prevent the IRA from taking out Thatcher distress

THE COMMODORE'S WATCH!!!

Yes, I realize that was a Patrick McGoohan directorial guest spot where he decided to do an avant garde thing and throw the usual formula out the window for shits, giggles, and love of alcoholism. It's about as close as you can get to doing a parody without it being an actual parody; it's the Cinderella "Night Songs" album of Columbo episodes.

Edit: and if you're Dr. Spock, don't spare the tire iron

[-] hansolo@lemmy.today 14 points 4 months ago

This is literally every episode. The thumbnail is from the one where the 0.01% could have made the robot do it and still did the killing themselves! WTF?

FWIW, I enjoy Colombo and of you haven't seen it, Poker Face is 100% a take on the same vibe, with occasional 70's era camera work.

[-] jack@hexbear.net 5 points 4 months ago

POKER FACE IS SO GOOD

[-] hansolo@lemmy.today 2 points 4 months ago

Right!?

[-] jack@hexbear.net 2 points 4 months ago* (last edited 4 months ago)

Like, what if Columbo was funnier and had better politics? Every single cop/fed/troop in Poker Face is a bumbling idiot.

The cop convention episode is an all time great.

[-] hansolo@lemmy.today 3 points 4 months ago

Funnier, but also not quite as hemmed in as actual Colombo. The formula is more like...guidelines.

I really do love how there's a lot of straight up 70s style cinematography. The long zoom and pull back with the sun causing lens flare in S2E1. Genius to just know that was worth doing.

I seriously hated the Star Wars sequel trilogy, but by now Rain Johnson has at least made up for it in spades.

[-] Carcharodonna@hexbear.net 13 points 4 months ago* (last edited 4 months ago)

Sorry I just binge watched seasons 1-5

Hell yeah. If you get bored with that, check out Furuhata Ninzaburo which is a Japanese Columbo-esque detective show that’s pretty good. We’re watching another episode this Friday if you’re interested.

[-] Lemmygradwontallowme@hexbear.net 12 points 4 months ago

Or simply don't talk. blob-no-thoughts

[-] Candidate@hexbear.net 11 points 4 months ago

Judging from the clips I've seen, it seems that half the time Columbo catches someone, he uses impeccable logic and deduces who the killer was and explains it them before he takes them in, and the other half of the time he just invents some cockamamie bullshit to get the perp to incriminate themselves.

[-] GalaxyBrain@hexbear.net 8 points 4 months ago

Its usually a bit of each every episode.

[-] invalidusernamelol@hexbear.net 5 points 4 months ago* (last edited 4 months ago)

The Thin Man (I know his name is Nick) is the same way. He's apparently one of the greatest detectives ever, but he just drunkenly stumbles his way to the culprit because everyone gets spooked that the greatest detective of all time and fucks up.

this post was submitted on 05 Aug 2025

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