My partner and I are in a long distance relationship, we've been together for 5 years. From the start, the plan was that I would move there, but he didn't start the application because he wanted to get a stable job (he was working when we met but quit around 2022 when they expected everyone to move from remote back to on-site).
Last year he told me that if Trump gets in he'd move here instead (he's American). My family expressed doubts about his sincerity, so I confirmed with him multiple times and he insisted.
Now he's saying that he never thought Trump would actually get in, so I shouldn't have taken him seriously. We fought about it and when I said he went back on his word he says I went back on mine since I haven't moved there yet and am now saying I don't want to because of everything happening and I don't feel safe (I'm trans, and even if I wasn't foreigners aren't being treated well from what I've heard).
He's now saying he doesn't want to leave his mom, which is fair, but I feel conflicted about it all. I feel like he's broken my trust, but he's adamant he didn't lie because he never actually expected this to happen.
He also thinks everything is being exaggerated and isn't really as bad as I think it is, especially where he is on the west coast. He says it's safe there, but I wonder for how long. He says if it gets worse we can move here, but how can I trust that? I feel like he's burying his head in the sand (he responded that I'm burying my head in the sand) and ignoring how bad it's going to be, but maybe he's right and I'm stressing too much? At the start of the year he agreed with me about how bad it is but now he doesn't seem to think it's that bad.
Mostly I just want advice I guess, an outside perspective. I don't know how to feel and I'm conflicted about it all.
I'm so sorry you're having to deal with such a tough situation OP. Before I get into my thoughts on the situation, I just wanna caution you that some of what I'm gonna say might be a little difficult to accept. I think it's best if I try my best to keep the rest of this comment as short as I possibly can, but don't hesitate to send me a dm if you wanna talk through this a little more.
Your partner is unfortunately displaying some very serious narcissistic tendencies. Not thinking that Trump would get elected is not a valid reason for him to go back on his word, it just doesn't make any sense. What does make a lot of sense is that he never had any intention to move and he was just telling you what you wanted to hear. Now his lie is starting to unravel though and he seems to be willing to say anything in order to avoid being held accountable, even if it doesn't make sense.
I'm not sure what he was referring to about you being the one that's sticking your head in the sand, but it sounds like there's a possibility he was trying to gaslight you. You are not crazy. Period. He is sticking his head in the sand. I've lived in and around New York City my entire life and you should not move to this country under any circumstance.
It also seems like you're trying your absolute hardest to give him the benefit of the doubt bc that's just what really good people do for the people they care about. You can't make sense out of something that doesn't add up though so it's just not going to be possible without throwing yourself into a state of denial. Logic is the best defense against manipulation so try to use it as much as you can while you think this whole situation through.
The last thing I wanna mention is what you said about your family being skeptical. I would need more context, but it seems like your family might have seen something in him that your love blinded you from seeing yourself. If their skepticism was coming from a place of love then I think the best thing you can do is talk to them as soon as possible bc who was right and who was wrong doesn't factor into love. You did nothing wrong and if my instincts about all of this are correct then you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed about. You should be proud of yourself for trusting your gut and reaching out to get more opinions.
If you think you wanna take me up on my offer to talk some more then please do. I can't promise I'll answer right away but I will answer. And if I don't hear from you then I just wanna say good luck, you got this <3