Are you looking for an inoffensive insult?
...or for an insult so accurately aiming at the person to be insulted like pissing through a key hole from a 11.5 ft distance.
Upvoting because this is a a true "no stupid questions" post.
So... I think you need to look into the social and cognitive nature of swear words. Vsauce has a pretty good primer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dd7dQh8u4Hc
I think you also need to let go of the desire to be better than common culture, and/or the desire to engineer a better culture from an external perspective. People are gross and messy, imprecise and reckless. It's what makes us interesting, motherfucker.
You want an alternative to "motherfucker" that can't be offensive in any way?
Yeah no. Do you even realize what you are asking?
"Dad"
Literally means the same thing.
I've had it with these dad snakes on this dad plane!
... just doesn't have the same punch to it.
Asking the right questions here!
I have had it with all these doucheshit snakes on this twatboy plane!
(from another comment) just doesn't work...
That's offensive to lesbian couples who used artificial insemination only.
Asshole works, but its not as rude.
The bigger question is, are you honestly that much of a prude?
I actually think that depending on the context asshole is more hurtful than motherfucker. "He's a stupid motherfucker" seems like you are just angry. "He's an asshole" sounds like he legit is a ln awful person. Not a dominant fucker or anything. Just a dirty, unpleasant being. It is more demeaning I would say. I would be more hurt to be called an asshole than a motherfucker.
Maternal fornicator
Doesn't maternal fornicator imply a power imbalance? How about Mutually Consenting Same-Age Peer Fucker?
Peer Fucker has a good mouth feel to it.
‘You fucking donkey’ is a personal favorite
"Mudpuddle"
They posess neither warmth, depth or clarity.
That one's really good.
...just swear all fucking ready.
You're all a bunch of scuzz-junkin' puppy touchers.
¹ Pronounced "Loser"
Soldier of 4Chan is devastating
Motherfucker, what the motherfucking fuck are you fucking on about?
Are you some kind of fatherfucker with this fatherfucking fuckery?
Well there's always the simplification to just fucker
parent shagger?
I think the more "valued" or preferred part of an insult is rather its phonetic or expressive aspect rather than the semantic one. Of course the semantic parts plays a role, as well, but the need to use stressed syllables to express oneself, or simply vent out the emotion, far surpasses the need to utter a semantically-accurate syllable or word to badmouth someone or something.
See here from Monty Python and the Holy Grail
It is a beautiful insult that can vent out the emotions, or can be used for fun among friends etc. that uses no semantics to insult people, but uses very mouthful words to stress and some unfocused (as in not targeting any types of people) pragmatics, like insulting someone by insulting their parents, and insulting them as such making them out to be not something they are (was an x, smelt).
So, whatever semantically gender-neutral alternative you are looking for, consider to have a very strong expressive aspect to it that sticks to tongue.
How about DGR Dave’s “son of a butt”?
I'm good with sticking with plain old motherfucker and have absolutely zero intention of replacing it with some convoluted bullshit alternative. I figure if he/she/it/they/them are offended by my use of the word motherfucker then it's aimed at he/she/it/they/them anyway and all those motherfuckers can get fucked and stay fucked. Tired of catering to everyone's sensibilities. Grow a pair, or a twat, put on your grown up panties and get the fuck over it.
is this a joke
Misterfalcon
I use buttfuck/buttfuckin' an awful lot as an adjective but not really as a noun. Come to think of it, I don't often -- oh, no, wait, when my cats are being unreasonable we do call them little assholes, but swearing at them turns it into a term of endearment anyway.
Dipshit, wanker, buttnugget, cunt, probably my top go-tos lol. I kind of love how some people just hate the word cunt.
Mother/father is inclusive and a drop-in replacement at least syllable-wise.
Burden
In Philly we use "jawn".
How is that pronounced? Like joun, like John, or like drawn but with a j?
Jawn and motherfucker are probably the only 2 words I could consider to be general purpose nouns that can be used to refer to pretty much any person place or thing.
I feel like in the case of MF though, vulgarity is kind of the point, it's meant to be insulting, whether seriously or playfully. Jawn doesn't really have that same negative connotation, so it sort of falls short on that count.
And of course motherfucker has added utility as an adjective by swapping in the -ing suffix. You can have a motherfucking jawn, but you wouldn't normally have a jawning motherfucker.
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