56
As a formerly insecure person, just offer to teach them if they want, and then never mention it again. Once they're ready to get over their insecurity, they will contact you, or not.
This right here. Constantly nagging them about something they are ashamed of will only make them more resistant to help.
Agreed, also recommend doing this completely in private so they don't feel like there may be other people listening to your offer.
Write them a convincing argument in a letter as to why it is important to learn how to read.
💀
😚
I grew up very poor. In my street lived an older lady and a few doors down lived her daughter and son-in-law. The older lady was illiterate and when her first grandson was about to learn how to read, her daughter asked her to help teach him by keeping them company. So the daughter taught her toddler and her mother the bascic alphabet. That inspired the old lady to seek help and my mother arranged for a high school student to come tutor the lady three days a week. The old lady taught the next two grandkids how to read using the pamphlets she learned to read herself.
Inspiring
Do you know why they don't want to learn to read?
My guess would be a mix of embarrassment and a feeling like it's too hard.
Yeah that's it. And my family being too immature doesn't help. They would laugh watching them struggle to learn.
Oof, that's harsh.
Cruel
My family are the kings and queens of refusing to do things that will make thier lives better. I have learned through bitter experience that there is no helping anyone who does not want to help themselves.
Without knowing your family member there really isn’t much useful that anyone can tell you.
I recommend that you find a way to maintain whatever level of relationship you want with that person that insulates you from their “issues”.
Why do you want to convince them to learn? I mean this as an open question and not as an indirect criticism. If you convince them to learn and then they learn, what does that get you?
(EDIT: No, really, this is not an indirect criticism. I would like to understand OP's motivation better in order to offer better advice. That's it.)
what does that get you?
Isn't it obvious? People help each other all the time.
You probably didn't mean it like that, but why did you want to dig deeper into something so obvious tho?
I absolutely didn't mean it like that, which I tried to say up front, because I understood how it might sound. I have to ask, did you even notice that? (It's easy not to notice once you think you've been slighted or threatened. That's how brains tend to work.)
I can't tell whether you're suspicious or merely curious. If you're suspicious, then maybe that's how your relative feels when confronted with someone trying to teach them to read. Or there are many many possibilities. I won't know what to suggest until I know more.
If you're curious, I get it, but please understand that the point of asking is to offer advice better suited to your situation than generic advice that might be fine and might blow up in your face. Asking me for the whole playbook up-front is not reasonable. It fills a bookshelf and comes from 25 years of experience helping people. If I know more about your situation, then I believe I can help more effectively.
That's it. Nothing up my sleeve. No hammer behind my back. Empty hands.
I'm asking because I can help you better if I know. It's that simple.
They're insecure about it. I feel sad for them.
(EDIT: I didn't look closely enough, so I didn't notice that I was replying to someone else and not OP. Oops. I'll wait for OP to reply. Comments withdrawn.)
Believe it or not, some people are truly selfless sometimes.
Nahh, it's nothing that noble lol
I have tons of time now, and wouldn't lose anything by making her life better
Sigh.
Can you imagine a universe in which asking the questions I asked is in fact a way of gathering more information with the goal of helping, instead of indirectly criticizing OP and doubting the sincerity of their intentions?
What if I thought this might be a common reaction, then brought that into the open in the middle of my questions? Would that help?
Their motivation can be as simple as "I want to".
I'm not really sure what you're hoping to achieve with this line of questioning?
That's intent, not motivation. People usually have a reason for wanting to do something.
I know what it can be, but I don't know what it is. When I know more, I can offer more helpful advice.
For example, if their motivation really is as simple as "I want to", then quite frankly, their relative has no obligation to give OP what they want by letting OP help. And trying to force that on their relative seems risky and invites failure. This is known as "inflicting help" and is a very common source of friction in relationships.
That's why I'm asking.
I'm not OP, I just read the post.
I did not notice that, so that's my mistake. Sorry.
It helps another human being in a significant way isn’t that good enough
I guess you didn't believe me. Pity.
Why are you questioning the motivation behind someone trying to do a selfless act? An act that could even be described as altruistic. How does knowing OP's motivation helps you and OP convince their relative?
I'm just asking questions so I can help you help OP.
I'm asking, not doubting. Nuances matter here. I want to know more about what's going on in OP's mind and heart, because that informs strategies for helping.
You can also shove your sarcasm straight up your ass. I'll wait.
because that informs strategies for helping
I asked how so
The answer to that question fills a bookshelf. Jerry Weinberg's Secrets of Consulting could be a good start. Another would be Edward Deci's Why We Do What We Do.
And you're assuming that "convincing" is going to be an effective strategy here. I'm not so sure.
Even with the "worst" motivation, why couldn't OP apply the "best" strategy towards helping?
Which strategy is "best"? How would you know?
And, once again for you and everyone in the back, I'm not trying to grade OP's motivation. Motivations are motivations. I'm not interested in good or better, but rather more or less likely to actually help.
Just use your interpretation of best when you said "better" advice in your original comment. Seems like the metric towards "best" is "more likely to actually help".
Also, you can give a few example of motivations that would end up with the strategies most likely to actually work. Maybe OP didn't think of these motivations themselves, but they would adopt when you state them out loud for us.
But coming back to my main point, I still don't see how the motivation could dictate strategies most likely to help.
Let me see whether I understand.
I could make a handful of guesses about OP and their situation, and then use those guesses to write hundreds or even thousands of words, some of which might help and many of which wouldn't. On the contrary, some of them could be downright damaging, depending on a bunch of factors I don't know about OP, their relative, and the relationship between them.
Or I could ask some questions and wait for the answers, then narrow my suggestions to those that, given that additional context, are more likely to help.
I'm trying to help one person, not write a chapter of a book.
You're assuming that a strategy that is most likely to help on average for spherical relatives in a vacuum couldn't be damaging in some situations. I'm telling you it can, because I've witnessed it, so I'd like to avoid that here.
Even the advice you seemed to side with in another thread (Offer help once, be as sincere as you can, then shut up and wait for them to come to you.) is quite decent advice, but might not address OP's desire to help and OP might struggle to truly let go and shut up and wait. Many many people struggle with that. "Just do this thing that sounds simple, but might cause you to ruminate about this indefinitely and build up resentment" sounds risky and invites failure.
As for this:
But coming back to my main point, I still don't see how the motivation could dictate strategies most likely to help.
You said that. I told you that the answer fills a bookshelf. I suggested two books to start. I totally understand if you don't care enough about the answer to read a book. I guess you could ask an LLM to summarize one of those books for you, in case that would be more palatable to you.
And yes, I know that this sounds evasive. I genuinely don't mean it that way. I don't have a 50-word answer for you that distills decades of research into why people choose to do what they do, such as OP's relative choosing not to learn to read. They might not understand it at all themself.
It's fine with me if we disagree on this point. Indeed, I don't need to convince you. I'd like to help OP and I'm not much concerned about justifying my methods to you. If you're actually interested, read the Deci book. I really liked it.
I've had enough of this discussion, so I'm going to stop. Peace.
On giving guesses: you could just give the strategy you think will be the most effective in helping and then pair the strategy with motivations if you think it's still necessary. That way you can really help OP be the most effective. If you don't do that, just sounds like you wanna critique and whine about OP's motivations.
On the motivations behind the same actions having different consequences: you are correct, it really sounds like you've avoided the question. When people have read and understood books, they usually are able to bring the argument in themselves.
Here I'll give you a simple counter-example of the exact same act with two different motivators and the same consequence:
Person A wants to help and asks person B in some specific way: "Do you wanna learn how to read?" The result is: Person B answers yes.
Person A wants to look good and asks person B in the same specific way: "Do you wanna learn how to read?". The result is: Person B answers yes.
Even if the motivation behind the same exact act would change the consequences, you'd have to demonstrate that's true instead of vaguely pointing at literature.
I will note here that I have tried earnestly to ask OP questions that would help me offer better advice than the generic slop I could offer without knowing more about the situation.
Knowing that OP might not trust me enough yet and might assume that my questions were expressing indirect doubts about their motivation, I emphasized that I'm not criticizing them, but asking genuine questions in order to gather information with which to help more effectively.
Subsequently, more than one person has doubted my motivations for asking these questions and already some seem unwilling to take my answers at face value.
See? Maybe it's not as simple as "But I want to help!" I want to help and some of you seem really suspicious both of my intentions and my methods before even giving OP the opportunity to answer my first question.
Now maybe OP's relative would feel similarly about being approached to learn to read.
🤷
Text to speech scanners are already available.
Get them one that lets them 'read'
mho
We speak a language that's not much spoken and therefore we don't have that facility.
Check the local libraries and societies for the blind.
Sometimes things are available but aren't widely known.
Are they dyslexic or have other obstacles you may not know about?
If they do, we don't know. Because they have, as far as I know, never tried to learn. They've never been to school. They say it would be ridiculous at their age to learn school stuff.
What I'm getting at is there may be LDs they are embarrassed to share.
Oh, you right. They're the type of person to hide something like that.
Is there a significant age gap?
What? Between me and them? Yes.
Is there an app that they could use privately?
Doesn't know how to use a smartphone :(
this post was submitted on 26 Jan 2026
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