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submitted 2 months ago* (last edited 2 months ago) by VinnyDaCat@lemmy.world to c/goodoffmychest@lemmy.world

Wasn't sure if I wanted to put it out there, but I needed a place to let it out. I suppose my situation was too good to be true. Dated for years, but the marriage itself did not make it to a single year, at least unofficially.

It's been a stressful time. She previously had a government job under an agency that doge culled. She loved her job. I realize that as a society we work too much, but to some degree people do want to feel productive and that many people find their workplaces to be places of belonging. She apologized for taking so long to come to this conclusion, but she mentioned that this time away from work has helped a lot with self-reflection.

I was aware that she considered herself bi previously and that she had relations with women before. I wasn't aware of the extent of it. She told me she felt compulsory heterosexuality for a long time, but wasn't entirely sure of it and I was her last chance in regards to men. She told me she still loved me, just not that way, and that I was the best partner she'd ever had, that she was remorseful about not being compatible in that regard. We discussed a lot of more private feelings, mostly trying to understand and showing concern for each other.

I support her. If that's how she feels then that's how she feels, and she deserves to be happy. I'm not angry with her, and we're not leaving each others lives, just changing roles. It still hurts a lot, but that's life sometimes. It isn't anyone's fault.

That said I'm glad I won't be doing anything tomorrow. I'm just struggling to function right now. And yeah, that's how it's going.

Edit: I slept in today quite a bit. I've read through most of the replies and it really melted my heart. I cried a bit. I didn't expect so many kind words or this much encouragement. I appreciate a lot of the advice too. I don't really know how to express any gratitude beyond this. I will try to reply a bit more later, but I need to take some more time to myself for a while. Thank you.

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[-] victorz@lemmy.world 1 points 2 months ago

This is beautiful in its tragedy.

I'm sorry you are both going through this but I'm glad for the way you are both seemingly handling it. You seem to really deserve each other as friends and I hope you both remain strong in that role for each other.

All the best from the other side of the pond.

[-] Knock_Knock_Lemmy_In@lemmy.world 1 points 2 months ago

Really sucks, but if you play your cards right you may get breakup threesome sex or a lifelong wingwoman.

(I think these cards are mutually exclusive)

[-] Buffalobuffalo@lemmy.dbzer0.com 1 points 2 months ago

We've had one wife, yes. What about second wife?

Its a deep disruption, but atleast... At least its not finding out shes too close with two defensemen from the local AA hockey team. Now i cant even enjoy another Utah Mammoth game as long as i live.

[-] captainlezbian@lemmy.world 1 points 2 months ago

It's ok to hurt, even relationships that end for understandable and good reasons hurt when they end. And you're not a bad person if you find upon reflection that you need some time separate.

You seem to be handling it in a good and mature way though. And so often in situations like this that's the most valuable thing you can do.

[-] Beacon@fedia.io 1 points 2 months ago

You do have a valid right to be angry with her if you were. From what you describe it sounds clear that she knew she was a closer to gay than she told you when you were getting together.

I'm not saying you should be angry with her, in fact if you aren't then that's probably good for you, but I'm saying that if you were angry with her then that would be justified, and if you are then it would be healthy to admit it to yourself.

Best of luck, things will get better eventually

[-] TubularTittyFrog@lemmy.world -1 points 2 months ago* (last edited 2 months ago)

I'm alarmed that OP isn't angry. It makes me think he has massively low self esteem and might have been in an abusive situation. He seems to only be considering her needs and wants and making excuses for her.

And having known people who react this way to relationships ending, they did indeed, have massive problems with self-esteem and relationship experience and all that. Maybe she did too. The whole things to me reads as if she is condescending to him and he basically sees nothing wrong with it.

I'd be more upset about her 'reasoning' about marrying him than anything else. Relationships end. Using someone else for your own desires to 'try to be heterosexual' is fucked up, especially going so far as to marry them. Pretty sure she could have figured this out without marriage.

It sounds like you both are very mature, empathetic people. Some things just have to play hard, not anybody's fault, but how you react is what you can (sometimes, in some ways) control. So good for both of you for trying to accept rather than fight what you can't change.

If it helps to hear, it sounds like you're doing a great job assimilating this in a healthy way. You deserve to feel whatever you feel, and to take the time it takes to feel it and process it.

[-] HerbalGamer@sh.itjust.works 0 points 2 months ago

That's rough buddy.

[-] Triasha@lemmy.world 0 points 2 months ago

I deeply sorry. Give yourself as much time to grieve as you can. It's not your fault, but that won't make it hurt less. Sounds like you have been all anyone could have asked for.

If you can, reach out to your support system outside of her. Staying close is good in the medium/long term but some distance in the short can help you settle into a new normal.

Take care.

[-] Nomorereddit@lemmy.today -2 points 2 months ago* (last edited 2 months ago)

1 your chance of divorce just increased by 90%. (Google it)

2 i recomend u read 12 rules for life, itll help w exactly this...especially when u reach rule number 10.

3 here's the excerpt I think would help best from the audio book, about a couple, infidelity, and why..... 8:44:00 @ https://youtu.be/k2D2V0YJVKk

summary: tomorrow always comes, you both enjoyed the bliss of ignorance for too long...because all you need for a problem to get worse is to ignore it. Now you can embrace the chaos, let the old you die, and be born a new. Its what u do when you life falls apart.

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[-] pHr34kY@lemmy.world -2 points 2 months ago* (last edited 2 months ago)

Being bi isn't really an excuse when you're monogamous. It's no different if your partner leaves for another woman or another man. I'd be frustrated as hell.

Like, you can be into both men and women. You can be into redheads and blondes. You can be into blacks and whites. But once you're married, you can't just alternate between them.

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[-] altphoto@lemmy.today -2 points 2 months ago

There's nothing to cry about! If she's gay or lesbian or trans or asexual. She's with you. You should help her find a girlfriend since you're by default her best friend. If that's what she wants. If she wants to leave you, then I guess that's her decision. I strongly believe that my relationship with my wife as my partner in crime is much stronger than any sexual feelings I may need to satisfy with porn or by having a sexual partner. It's just sex. So try to free her from yourself and maybe you could find a bi third wheel or maybe you each get a sex partner only for sex. What do I know.

[-] dogs0n@sh.itjust.works 1 points 2 months ago

That sounds like a weird take, because attractiveness and sex are sorta important parts to a functioning relationship as far as I'm aware (im not that smart btw).

Also saying "you should help her find a girlfriend" also seems very weird to me.

You might be a weird person idk or maybe I'm wrong idk but i think i'm right (because i'm really far up my own ass)

[-] altphoto@lemmy.today 1 points 2 months ago
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[-] TubularTittyFrog@lemmy.world -2 points 2 months ago* (last edited 2 months ago)

I'd be totally outraged if I was you. She dated/married you under false pretenses. It is totally her fault.

You deserve to be happy to. Why should you sacrifice your happiness for hers? I'm guessing maybe that's what you have been doing all along and that's why she 'chose you'. I'd feel incredibly used, and frankly, abused.

[-] Leg@sh.itjust.works 1 points 2 months ago

Hurt is understandable. Outrage assumes malice.

Struggling to discover who you are isn’t the same as using someone. Most people commit to things before they fully know themselves. Pretending otherwise just turns human growth into a crime.

[-] invertedspear@lemmy.zip -1 points 2 months ago

What’s the point of impotent rage? At this point you can’t argue someone into owing you recompense of happiness. OP has a right to be hurt, but anger is pointless and only leads to depression.

[-] TubularTittyFrog@lemmy.world 0 points 2 months ago* (last edited 2 months ago)

there isn't a point to feelings. but it's better to just express them and get them out than bottle them up.

denying feelings fucks you up and leads you to do messed up abusive stuff. Like OP's wife denying her feelings about her homosexuality and leading to this.

I can be gay and never have sex with a man. That's fine. But if I feel that way and I lie about it and date a woman claiming I'm not gay, that's messed up. I'm lying, and denying and hurting someone else in the process. And that is entirely my fault. She would not be to blame at all, she'd be a victim of my lack of honesty about my own sexuality.

[-] Fridgeratr@lemmy.dbzer0.com -1 points 2 months ago

Well, good thing he's a better and more mature person than you

[-] TubularTittyFrog@lemmy.world -1 points 2 months ago
[-] 14th_cylon@lemmy.zip 0 points 2 months ago

no, "me, me, me" is immature. that is literally toddler's level of development.

[-] TubularTittyFrog@lemmy.world -1 points 2 months ago* (last edited 2 months ago)

his wife's actions are entirely 'me me me'.

at what point did she ever respectful consider his feelings when she agreed to date him as bisexual? and then marry him? she didn't. she only considered hers.

[-] 14th_cylon@lemmy.zip 0 points 2 months ago

go back to your cave.

[-] Fridgeratr@lemmy.dbzer0.com -1 points 2 months ago

Being a completely inconsiderate cunt is not self-respect.

It's understandable to be unhappy/frustrated at the situation, but completely vilifying her is indeed immature. Shit happens, people change. It's not like she planned all this.

[-] TubularTittyFrog@lemmy.world -2 points 2 months ago* (last edited 2 months ago)

Being angry with people for hurting you and lying to you is vilifying them? Sorry, are you suppose to what, be happy they did it?

Shit does happen. That doesn't mean people are blameless for their actions. When a DUI driver kills or hurts someone, do you think they planned it? Of course not. But we still hold them accountable for the harm they caused, and the victims of their actions should be angry.

OP's wife knew she was struggle with her identity, and went into this marriage full bore. She knew what she was doing. Maybe OP is partially at fault for accepting that into his life, as well, but that assumes she was totally honest with him from the start, which she may not have been. As he says 'not the full extent', as in she downplayed or mislead him.

Then she further piles it on, as if this relationship was her 'last chance' to be straight. I wonder how OP would have felt if she told him that before they got married? By his account, her intent was to be deceptive and dishonest about her sexuality, perhaps to them both.

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[-] okzombie@lemmy.world -3 points 2 months ago

At least she came.... Right?

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[-] devolution@lemmy.world -4 points 2 months ago

Guy, you've been played and you're too calm about it.

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this post was submitted on 29 Jan 2026
68 points (100.0% liked)

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