My mom died last week, way too young, of cancer. Her cancer had been on and off for years but last Christmas it started again. She got worse and 3 weeks ago she got the news that there is no more treatment. About a week, maybe less she got so confused that we couldn't talk anymore and a week later she died.

Now instead of mourning I have to manage her estate, organize the funeral and coordinate family. All while I constantly want to ask my mom for advice.

My mother died this year. It happens to everyone if you live long enough. It still sucked. She had MS since 18, died at 66. More than ten thousand days in the fire.

I am trying to come to terms with her disease and how I was not a great son. Could have, should have, would have. The three horseman of regret. I think most people have similar thoughts when a loved one passes, but it still hurts.

I have resolved to carry a picture of her to every mountain I hike up. Take her with me where she could not in her life. I wrote a letter of goodbyes to her and left it in mailbox peak. It still doesn't feel enough.

I hate the person I was while she was alive. I was there, but not the person I should have been. The benefit of hindsight.

For me, it's losing weight. Several times, I've burned 40-50 pounds, and can move much better, sweat less, sleep better, etc. Then I regain it, and have to climb the mountain again.

In a fight for my relationship. We stumbled into a relationship after a mishap that got her pregnant. I only noticed when she got a belly showing at 5 months as she had not told me and assumed I would leave her the second I knew. She had already decided to have it with or without me.

Proceeded to have another two kids while she slowly but surely withdrew from any partnership activity. Learned after ten years of wondering what's holding her back that she is the anxious avoidant relationship type and due to her forcing herself to have very infrequent sex with me anyways, she picked up a sexual aversion up along the way.

Apologized for my role in that, I obviously noticed her lack of enthusiasm but didn't think much of it as she offered infrequent but of her own volition. I asked her to go to therapy either alone or as a couple but she refuses. We live together while being officially separated.

I love her and am not interested in anybody else while she claims I should just find somebody else while getting very aggressive when the opportunity presents itself. (I obviously don't partake)

Shit gets dark and lonely regularly, she can't even hold me in her arms. The kids love obviously helps but it's not the same.

As people of that relationship type do, she drifts from flirty and nice to being angry and hurting me with the intention of keeping me at a distance within weeks, sometimes days.

I bought a book that opened my eyes, which pretty much reads like our diary. Put it in the living room and told her about it. She won't even touch it nor acknowledge that she has a problem. Obviously its a problem for me not for her that she decided to never have a relationship or sex ever in her life again.

I mourn the years I lose while waiting for her to find back to the woman I though I had met. I regret that my children have a steady home but no good example how a healthy relationship looks and I fear that this might last until my kids are all moved out and I'm about 60 and decide to give love up myself for good.

For various reasons leaving is not an option I'm willing to choose. Mainly because I have a responsibility to my children and my wife not to abandon them even if she has psychological trauma she needs to process. (Both parents not being available emotionally at all and growing up with an alcoholic step father and lots of violence in her home.) There is also a small chance that my wife might hurt the kids if I'm not there to intervene, has happened before in small ways which she denies obviously.

As long as I fight for this home daily and keep everything stable everybody is happy but me. Its hard and has already taken a toll on my health, but I keep fighting the good fight and hope one day life will be bright again.

I have inoperable brain cancer, so there’s that. Sometimes pretty inconvenient.

Dealing with immigrating to another country for the second time in my life. Fuck Trump.

For decades I'd been battling PTSD. After at least 5 therapists and many medications, I'd say it's under control.

I learned very late in life that I have ADHD, so I'm trying to balance that out. What stinks is that it affected my childhood and I had no idea, and there's nothing I can do about it now.

A big fear of having children, while simultaneously knowing I want at least one child for sure. I know that there is never a correct time, but man, my job situation is shitty with no end in sight. A child brings the possibility that I might have to work minimum wage in the future, because academia might spit me out. The free market seems to auto-reject me since two years and unfortunately my qualification is kind of a nieche. I fear the dependance on others a child brings and the lingering disappointment in a lot of people. The friedships it will cost, because some are hardcore childfree or there is only so much time in a day. I fear the criticism it will bring and the sleepless nights. I fear all of this and more but still want it so bad it kind of tears me appart sometimes.

My depression. And I'm mid 30s now and my parents are in the 60s. I do not look forward to what will inevitably happen...

Fortunately I got professional help and haven't been majorly depressed in years. I didn't do hard drugs or fell into alcoholism back then. On a different timeline with different group of acquaintances I can see myself dead OD. Or jumping. Or bled out. Instead a lot of money and debt accrued coping with material junk and parasocialism. I can't deny the parasocialism is really the anchor that kept me long enough to get therapy and medication. Now I understand the dangers of it but still.

I am eternally grateful that my government has some semblance of functionality to at least have subsidized healthcare for mental healthcare (and a lot of other health issues).

Of course I'm not fully out of the woods. Nobody with depression truly does I think. It's always there, bubbling. Now I'm always alert to how my friends, family are of signs of depression. But what worked for me doesn't always will work for others, so on that aspect I struggle. But at the very least I will lend my attention and shoulders.

I miss being able to connect with people over books, films, and other long-format media. I think about how most of my friendships and relationships formed over that type of bonding, and it makes sense why I really have nothing in common with new people anymore. Nobody I meet the past 5+ years has any interest in these things.

Everyone is driven by social media and short form media. Even some of my oldfriends are crackheads for Instagram and Reddit still. Everyone just talks about whatever is trendy, rather than having their own distinct interests they've cultivated. The last time I met someone who seemed to have their own distinct interests was 2018.

I study languages, and I've noticed this also has drastically affected speech patterns, and to most people now I sound 'funny' because I talk in complex sentences and ask questions meanwhile they are all using short declarative. I was at a party a couple of weeks ago and I was just flummoxed by how people were interacting, and it makes sense to me why people feel lonely and disconnected... because nothing of substance can be exchanged this way. Not to mention the rapid topic switching that was going on. I tried to have a more involved conversation with one person but told me I was 'too intense' for asking them details about their job... a pretty normal conversation to have for me 10 years ago.

And I think... yeah 10 years ago I used to LOVE interacting with people. And now I HATE it. Probably because the interacts are so meaningless, short, and trite. And nobody can stay on topic for more than a handful of exchanges. In 2018 I could sit there and talk about a single author for an hour... now every conversation I have the topics barely last a few minutes before they are swapped out for another rapid set of trite commentary void of any substance or detail or genuine interest.

I've also noticed this between other people now more and more. At bars and such, people no longer talk or focus on each other, they are either on their phones, or kind of looking to the side and just making random quips at each other. People don't look face to face and have a focused discussion...