If you have to hide a medical need from your spouse, that's a relational problem that needs the help of therapy to address. Otherwise you'll find yourself hiding everything and resenting her for it in 20 years.
Advice? Couples counseling. If that doesn't work, divorce. Your health should not be under scrutiny from someone who thinks it's "all in your head." This is one of those molehills that will become an insurmountable mountain.
She refuses to let you get meds? This is extremely controlling behavior which sounds very concerning. You deserve bodily autonomy. If your wife were a man, this would immediately be called abuse.
I agree with the other comments saying to get counseling and not take your meds in secret.
No. No, no, no, no, no, no. This isn't a debate. This is the reality of your health situation. ADHD doesn't go away just because your wife doesn't believe it's real. I would in no way or form ever be okay in this situation, especially with an unreasonable science denier.
EDIT: What you WILL eventually acquire in this situation long-term is a massive amount of undeserved shame.
As others have said, couple's counselling and/or divorce. Your wife does NOT get to dictate your health to you. Would you dictate what she does with her body? Same thing applies.
"You just need to focus naturally", "It's all in your head", "Doctors are only in it for themselves"
What if you struggled to see? Would she try to talk you out of glasses?
I'm sorry that you are in this position. She shouldn't be controlling you like this. I'd recommend doing some level of couples counseling, this isn't really an issue with your medication but your right to control your own body and life.
Your wife doesn't get to decide that, you do: This sounds dysfunctional AF.
As someone not part of the ADHD community and just stopping by from browsing, I gotta say: your health is your right. The only reason your wife should have any say in something like this is if it has in the past it put her in danger or caused significant issues with your marriage like: "well, last time you took your meds you had awful mood swings that were hard for me to understand and deal with", or "last time you took your meds you almost got fired, putting our financial safety at risk", etc. etc. If there is no history of something like this deeply affecting her, than your health is your right and you should get your meds if you and your doctor feel it would help.
I read the title and thought about some of the side effects and that’s valid (irritability, tiredness when it wears off, sexual dysfunction). But your comments show she doesn’t understand that it’s not a willpower thing, it’s a chemicals in your brain thing and no amount of willpower will change that - and in fact that kind of talk is actively harmful. There’s absolutely a lot that can be done with mindset etc. but the drugs are a tool that enables the coping strategies and mindset work! Otherwise it’s doomed to frustration and failure.
With that in mind - to be blunt - she needs to learn more about ADHD in order for the relationship to be healthy.
Getting back on my meds is what helped me get back into college and get a degree. I am angry for you that you are being treated this way.
My wife, however, refuses to let me get my meds.
She doesn't respect your bodily autonomy. Which is pretty much the most basic human right.
Don't take your meds in secret. Take them in front of her and stand up for yourself. That is only your decision, she has absolutely no basis for challenging you on that.
If that leads to conflict, that is a conflict you need to have, and not back down on.
She doesn't own you.
Two points I hope help you:
My personal belief is not the same as your wife but similar: As a long time ADHD adult, I've come to believe ADHD is a societal problem not a mental illness. It is a version of humaness. This is my experience and I don't expect others to accept it. But, there is a psychological concept that if you remove societal pressure to "be" a certain way, and you are allowed to be you and the suffering is alleviated, its not mental illness.
That being said, you are a grown adult who is allowed to decide what you need. Your wife is being borderline abusive if she is using those actual words and threatening consequences. If you believe this is your best option, put your foot down, thank her for her opinion and say you're doing what's best for you and ultimately it is your own choice. Be prepared to be met with threatened consequences if that's a thing, and try to have the courage to say something like "Threatening me is not acceptable, and I'd like you to work on that issue. If you are unwilling to try and see things differently and this is not something you can live with, let's talk in a healthy way."
Another small note: I wouldn't even bring up that you're trying to improve her life. You have the right to improve your own life and experience and that's enough. Including her in that opens the door for her to say "I don't want you to do that for me." which is not relevant in this case as long as there has been no history of side effects of the meds causing problems for those around you.
Your first part is correct, but we're not living in a vacuum. We're living in a society populated and created mainly by and for neurotypical people. If you're far enough outside of that, not being able to navigate that environment and live a successful and fulfilling life - even in the absence of societal pressure - can be traumatic enough that medication is a great option.
All of the above said, I agree that changing your own perspective on yourself, coming to terms with "I am who I am", can relieve a good portion of the distress of living in a world that isn't really "for" you. If necessary, a combination of self-awareness, self-acceptance, and appropriate medication may be a real light in the darkness.
Oh yes. I don't mean to imply that society can be turned off like a switch. I just wanted to share that looking at myself through that lens has helped me, and also to start pushing a back, or at least shielding myself, against the attitudes around me -- which I believe is the first step in changing society. I fully realize many people are not in a place that will allow this right now, but I hope by sharing this experience, it can help make change. I believe in medication as a vital bridge to health and happiness but regardless of the context, is often just a bandaid solution.
I think the bigger concern here is the wife's behavior and language and it's not at all helpful. I believe it is close to abusive if one is going to threaten's another's autonomy. If she has valid complaints about his behavior or the side effects he experiences while on the meds, that's a discussion to have.
Not going to comment on the meds, but if you are just taking A+ in hopes it will help get jobs, I’m not sure it’s the best time spent. I’ve been in IT for over a decade, and no one ever cares about A+ cents. Some of the worst techs I’ve interviewed have had A+, and some of the best did not.
If you focus more of building random projects, setup a homelab for example, I think you’ll gain a lot more real world knowledge which goes a long way in interviews.
Are any of the other certs better, like the Sec+?
Get everything you can get. Start with the A+ then get the Sec ones. A+ gives you a good foundation to get going and the more certs you have the better your chances. You can get a helpdesk job with A+ and from there you can get other certs.
Stick to your plan, don't let people put you off.
As for your partner, get the meds and don't tell her. Women over-think these things and despite what they'll have you believe, they will underestimate what you're feeling just as much as we can do to them. It's that human "it worked for me, it'll work for you" mentality we all fall into sometimes.
Stay consistent with your studies and good luck on your exam.
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