Incredibly stressed but happy. Got married recently while also being in another country and having my family here as well. We leave for our honeymoon in a few days and it's all very overwhelming. Yet I'm happy doing all of this with her. Taking on a lot of stress is somehow manageable for me when someone I care about is in my corner.

I'm sick with who knows what (not COVID, weakness, fatigue, low-grade fever) and my family won't stop attempting to bother me to reopen lines of communication after I cast them all away for not respecting the fact that I'm trans. I changed my number, but my wife doesn't have the same luxury, so they keep attempting to go through her to get to me. It's really pissing me off as I did this for a reason. Please stop bothering me.

Shitty stuff aside, I got a date for my bottom surgery and am greatly looking forward to it. I just hope that my visit to the cardiologist next week doesn't crop up anything that can fuck with the date.

Very topsy-turvy but proud of my emotional honesty. Had a really good conversation with my boyfriend about how we can't really be life partners and found a lot of closure and comfort with the relationship we do have. Then the next day he told me that I shown him what genuine respect, kindness, and care actually look like and that its not really there in the rest of his life. His validation and honesty were important to me, but it was also challenging to here these things and reconcile it with the path we are on. It's also impossible to know if the positive parts of our dynamic would grow or collapse in a more intense/enmeshed relationship.

I miss my friend.

Not so good, have a tooth abcess with a fun spreading infection and only one dentist near me is taking new patients, usually I just drive to the dental school 300mi away but I haven't gotten enough time off work to repair my car to survive the trip, and my job is so low waged that if the car breaks down its cheaper to ditch it (both the car and the job). I'm hoping I can fix it so I can continue to save for better transportation and save something on dental as well. At least the urgent care didn't hardcore gate antibiotics like I'm used to, but I'm fucking swollen AF. I'm also generally sore and recovering from a fall a few months ago from never really learning how to walk right being born 12345 months premature with all sorts of things misaligned, go me, makes work hurt and everyone hears 'fall' and thinks 'tee hee hit the bottle too hard tamagotchicowboy?'.

Holidays are always a nightmare, associate them with all sorts of tragic family events. I'm also worried I got clocked by some hateful gossipy old woman while at work who may cause trouble with the local gossip mill, whenever trans status comes up it always gets me fired without a fucking fail, makes it snowball in hell getting a job too.

Still no girlfriend. Although my problems are very tame compared to everybody else's. How are you doing?

I have drunk a lot of alcohol this week. Feeling a bit lonely. Have gotten some painting and house maintenance done. I miss the cats. Have some garage projects that are coming together, and am looking forward to setting up some planters and garden beds for my friends.

idk, if there is a week to drink a bunch, it is this week.

Good: Got a job interview. Made some observations about music that I'm happy about. Im going to play a new video game tonight.

Bad: The job seems very unstable and unlikely to happen, partner is out of town for awhile I miss them, i think twitch streaming is the devil and to my surprise thats a bad opinion here.

I feel so lost. Basically, I am completely unhireable.

I get laughed at and told it's all my fault or that I am lazy, but I'm not lazy just worthless. I literally have no life purpose and I don't have all the awesome skills everyone else does to impress people enough to be granted a purpose in life. So now my "life" is in shambles.

Decided to fly down to amerikkka from klanada for a change of scenery. Spending a week in KY with a dear friend. Definitely going to sample some moonshine. Happy to be somewhere different from home.