This one is a true story:

I was in Dallas Love Field with my daughter several years ago.

I said, "You know, this is where John Kennedy landed only a few hours before he was killed. Show some respect and try not to make an ass...assin of yourself."

Roughly fifteen years later her eyes still haven't come back from rolling into the back of her head

I'm still proud of myself for coming up with that little airport joke on the fly

What's the most common type of owl in the UK?

The Teat-owl

This joke was passed on to me from my mom:

What is black, hides in a tree, and is extremely dangerous?

Two fish in a tank.

One turned to the other and asked; "How do we drive this thing?"

Why can't a dog dance?

Because it has two left feet.

What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?

Choking noise (🍆)

Extremely nerdy:

• I accidentally gave a guy a BLJ instead of a BJ and he got launched up the fucking stairs

Slightly less nerdy:

• Hey did you hear about the guy who dipped his testicles in glitter? It's a Pretty Nuts Story!

I knew I wasn't gonna be the first child born, even before I was born. There was graffiti in the womb. ‘Bob was here.'

Two nuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.

How do you get down off of an elephant?

YOU DON'T! You get down off of a duck!

A skeleton walked into a bar and ordered a beer and a mop.

What's small, green, and has wheels? Grass. I added the wheels to make it sound cooler.

Whenever someone says "oh my god" i say "you may call me [insert name here]"

Why can't your nose by 12 inches long? Then it would be a foot.

What did the tree said to the woodpecker? Nothing, trees don't fucking speak.

I’m going to court next week. I’ve been selected for jury duty. It’s kind of an insane case. 6,000 ants dressed up as rice and robbed a Chinese restaurant …I don’t think they did it. I know a few of them and they wouldn't do anything like that

“I remember when I was a fetus I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I thought to myself, ‘You know, now's the time I should start stealing some stuff since I don't have any fingerprints.

Tiger Woods. It's no place for a picnic.

What do you call a pirate's finger stuck to the bottom of a sailing ship by a metal rod through the joint? A Barrr-knuckle!

Never break more than one rule at a time. Example: don't drive drunk if you're black.

Him: Hey, when you're out camping, do you enjoy it when you wake up in the morning and water vapor condensers on your lenses?

Me: DEW EYE?!?

A guy walks into a bar and he says 'ow'.

What's pink, weighs a ton, and drags at the bottom of the ocean?

Why is Cinderella bad at soccer?

Because she's always running away from balls

Two pirates walk into a bar, err sorry, two POLICEMEN walk into a bar.

The bar is a shady sort, classic barkeep spits in a glass, and polishes it with a dirty tablecloth.

The policemen sit down each on his own bar stool, but the stools have been recently polished, and one of them slips falling on the floor and snagging his pants on the stool, making them drop to his ankles.

The other policeman in an effort to help his partner, reaches down to help, only to be pulled down by his partner, snagging his own pants while falling and landing crotch-to-butt on top of his partner! Now this is starting to stir up quite the commotion and people are starting to notice this trouble. They both start writhing with pants snagged trying to stand up only for the rubbing to accidentally escalate into a bit of sweaty greasy butt-action, making things even more awkward for the already red-faced policemen! At this point they start pushing and grunting trying there hardest to wriggle out of this position.

A guy told this at a stand-up competition broadcast live a few years ago and nobody in the audience laughed, and nobody watching with me, except for me. It's still one of my favorites :D It kind of has to be told verbally and the more time for "The aristocrats" style shenanigans you have the better. I like to tell it at meetings with clients and then enjoy the crickets once nobody laughs except me :D

How do blind skydivers know when to deploy their chute?

When the leash goes slack.