Yep. I'm grateful for the people who choose this work. Sucks they're constantly overworked, under paid, such a frustrating often thankless job. I try to remind them, hey rough job, but you've made a difference for me, so ty.

Kyle XY. I'm still pissed off at the abrupt cliffhanger ending.

The OA and Sense8... Netflix, you suck. Those were stunning shows.

Safe, sane, consensual.

Lack of commitment, follow through, cowardice preventing me from doing what I really want to do.

Which means, I don't have that out. I can curl inward, f*ck everything, I'm done, and everything gets worse and worse. Not sustainable.

If I'm stuck here, no way out, I suppose only way left is to try to figure out how to get out of this dark space. It doesn't have to be fixed all at once. Just do one small good thing for yourself. Give yourself time to heal, recover. Take it slow. The only way things can change is by actions. Take a shower. Go to goodwill, spend $ on clothes that isn't sweatpants and tattered t-shirts. ..

If I keep at this, one small step at a time, I'm laying in a solid foundation, preparing for that point in future where I'll be able to go back to that goodwill, ask if they're hiring. Sure, not the cushy $75k job you had b4 becoming homeless. It's better than staying on SSI, trapped below poverty level in overcrowded slums.

Only way to move forward is to keep trying.

Me: I understand but don't get why...

Therapist: And. You understand AND don't get why...

Oil pastels, gesso, abstract expressionism.

Photography, surreal, trees blowing in wind, fire trucks lighting up a neighborhood.

Creative writing, dream journal.

Mixed media, found art.

Researching, reading.

Been playing same Sims save for over 3 years, building a complex society, realistic infrastructure.

I play Sims, a lot. There are 2 youtube peeps who crack me up continually. Callmekevin, and graystillplays.

Gray would create insane, large scale survivor style scenarios, like what will happen if we lock 100 people in one room. Or. Let's keep 50 sim children trapped underground, give them a bar, dog houses to sleep in, see who survives. He's quick witted, funny as hell, but never crude or vulgar.

Callmekevin... think mental illness, cults, agoraphobia, social isolation. His are sad and hilarious and dark in a different way.

Entry hallway has black light tapestries. Very large tapestry of tree and fairy lights over bed. All 3 tapestries, $40 on Amazon. 2 framed paintings of day of dead women, got for cheap in local latino hood. A small USB powered projectors covers walls, ceiling with animated aurora borealis. The first 100 digits of pi, written with colored markers.

I'm already tried most all suggestions. Bed away from wall, low bed frame, made of wood, not metal, anti vibration pads. This is an old apt filled with addicts, mental health issues. No job, on ssi, can't move, unless I want to be homeless again. Trying to make what I have works. Only response I got, haven't tried, was platform on springs, rollers. Tks to everyone.

Oh, talking to neighbor, landlords, not applicable. Cops, screaming, fights breaking out, meth heads, everyone smoking cigs in their apartments... someone with anger issues simply slamming doors ... it can be so much worse. Trying to cope best I can

Took over 400 sedative type pills in under 40 minutes, tried to o.d. homeless shelter staff found my unconscious body covered in puke the next morning. From an hour after taking pills to 18 hours later... complete black, like I wasn't here. Coming back to this reality was slow, painful, surreal. Nurses afterward said I nearly died, or did die and they brought me back.

An experience unlike any other.

Rough time in my life, pushed to breaking point, trauma, etc. Normal sensory processing disorder and highly active imagination got pushed next level. Felt I was starting to hallucinate, visions became intense, maybe someone from another dimension was trying to communicate with me, and they had to break my mind, make me go insane, to make it happen?

Anyhow, late one day, standing in a park, beneath a tree, sunset. Close eyes, sensation shattering, suspended, sunlight thru closed eyelids was amniotic glow.

Moment of fear, was I truly going insane? Thought about this. The reality I found myself in was actually quite pleasant, relaxing. I'd be OK with that.

That eventually led to not living in fear of possible insanity. Being ruled by fear is pointless longterm. Better to face, accept, after which, it can sometimes be enjoyable.

I'm in the same boat, you're not alone. Well, you are, kind of, but a lot of us are alone, struggling, trying to make it work. One just has to keep trying, so good on you