If you're ever a victim of these crimes, make sure to dial 0118 999 881 999 119 725 3.

James Bond is actually a time lord. It explains why he changes how he looks every few movies. This is backed up by the fact that Timothy Dalton played a time lord once in Doctor Who.

We're living in the strangest timeline.

A Thanksgiving duck!

I blew way too much money on a stuffed dog at a hotel general store for my wife. We were driving a Uhaul during a snowstorm to move in together. The roads became very slippery so we decided to sleep through the storm. It was our first hotel stay together and money was very tight, but it was a romantic gesture. She cherished it until our son claimed it as his own personal "security blanket."

🎵 Please don't shitpost just because you can. 🎵

Before edit: Please don't post them just because you can.

This is the right amount of crazy that I'm not sure if it's honest or parody for this country.

Also: Jesus gets my prayers because he's in my heart, checkmate atheists.

Still waiting on Spaceballs 2: The Search for More Money

Most states do (illegal to pump your own in New Jersey), but the joke is more about tipping culture in this country.

I'd start by wondering how in the hell I got a girlfriend, then my wife would do the same.

own a home

Too bad boomers ruined my best chance at that.

At least she's interesting.