After my post the other day, I made the decision to tell my ex that I couldn't be friends, not with her, or her family, that it would be too painful for me, that I would always be trying to be more than what it could be.

But today my mom came in throwing some curveballs. She says that my ex still loves me. The only reason I'm not disregarding this is because her and my ex were close. My mom misses her, maybe not as much as i, but like I do.

She says I shouldn't give up just yet, and if friends is all we can be then that's fine, but keeps urging me to take her to hangout. A detail I left out is that, the week prior to her telling me that romance wasn't an option, she rested her head on my shoulder, but I can't tell what she's saying by that. She even continued doing it after she told me no romance. Maybe I misunderstood her in that she meant no romance right now, my head is a mess, I thought writing this out would make it make more sense.

I came here first to write but I'm about to go ask some of my friends, so don't worry about me using Lemmy too much

I know that what I'm about to say might be just something that's wrong with me, and I understand that, but here goes.

Back at the end of April, I had my first breakup, she broke it off cause I was being stupid (I'm sure if someone wants to know the story, I have it somewhere in my profile) and I went from blaming myself, to being angry, to numb, to now that she talked to me again a few weeks ago, i feel guilty and just generally, I despise myself (but that's a separate issue and I'm trying to get depression medication) She said she wanted to be friends again cause I'm a "really fun person to hang out with" and for a second I was happy.

Fast forward to a week ago while working with her brother while helping a family friend, he invited me over to their place to swim and I accepted, she wasn't there but I was good friends with her family and I wanted to rekindle that, except the whole time I felt guilty and had panic attacks, but I tried my best to hang out.

Yesterday, at our martial arts class, which is where we see each other each week, I asked if she wanted to hang out, she accepted, but also said that there wasn't a chance at romance. I wasn't trying to consider that again right now, and just wanted to be friends again for the moment, but it's been bothering me.

How can I promise myself that I won't feel pain each time we hang out, that I won't try and be more and end up pushing her away again. How do I keep sane when I know I'm going to be an idiot and try to be close to her again, while also knowing I won't get that.

Maybe it's the depression, I can't really decide on what I want, I don't know where to go.

For me, growing up, I was around people who saw games as useless and a waste of time, but I loved them

I've always been into computers and tech and was called techy and a gamer and each time, it was said with a sort of disgust from the person saying it.

It made me feel like I shouldn't be friends with the few people like me, and I spent a lot of my childhood staying away from people, and making sure that people didn't learn that I played games

Even now, I get slightly uncomfortable being called a gamer or techy or any synonym even though people don't really think that anymore around here.

Anyone else have something similar?

Anyone else feeling super underwhelmed by this thing, like it's from the black wall and almost everything cool about it has major downsides.

What I want is a mod that just makes this thing the endgame monster, something crazy like it has all the perks of the cyberdecks in one, plus make the blackwall gateway not take way too long to upload and not as much ram with a greater spread range.

Another idea I had was while in overclock mode, you wouldn't be able to use weapons, but still have your quickhacks, and instead have the mode from the betray reed path when you are hooked up to Songbird, deleting enemies by pointing your hand at them.

This may be super unbalanced and way too powerful and maybe a couple of buffs is all it needs, but what I want is something that I get at the end of the game, and gives so much power fantasy in the last missions, it feels worth it, especially if you do the "don't fear the reaper" ending.