i have two friends who i’ve known since my freshman year, i’ll call them e and k. of course, since i’ve known them for so long, i’ve trusted them with a certain thing: i’m autistic.

however, e and k (especially e), although usually nice people who include me and stuff, i feel like they just pity me and tend to make autism my entire identity.

i understand that both girls didn’t grow up with many friends due to being seen as “strange”, and are therefore quite cynical and lost hope about people.

in sophomore year when i confessed that i liked e: “sorry, i’m not into your kind of people.”

“how come people absolutely despise [me]? she’s so nice but people hate her for having tics and being autistic.”

“don’t be friends with them! they hate you, you know because they think you’re ret4rded.”

she’s gotten nicer now, and i know that e and k were trying to be nice about it and less blunt (that’s what they said and that they were quoting them, not saying so themselves), but i also don’t get (unless they overheard) how these people are comfortable talking to them about it.

what i’m more upset about, though, is the fact that so many people apparently think of me as just a “ret4rded kid” and nothing more despite being in multiple honors classes (all honors, in fact, since 8th grade).

my friends are mostly nice people, although obviously negative without many friends. they constantly have to bring up me having autism or being the r-slur when something comes up.

they tell me not to be friends with certain people, not to hang out with them and make more friends because “they hate me, they see me as subhuman because im autistic”.

my one friend, j (18m) has autism and needs more support than i do. he, however, tells me no one hates me except for certain bullies who have talked behind our backs, but have also talked behind like 98% of people they know’s.

the first friend i mentioned says people will continue to hate me for as long as i’m in special ed (“sp3d” and “ret4rded”) and that if i truly want to be liked, i should stop spending time with j because he’s “slow” and “severely autistic”.

she also says “I don’t wanna judge and hate autistic people but I do 🤭” but uses the “i have adhd, bipolar, anxiety, ptsd, etc!” excuse.

the odd thing is that i’m in advanced classes (all honors) but i’m being considered “slow”, which i said, but she replied with “well I don’t think you are! they do though!”

if people are actually nice to me, she says “well, they’re actually bullies but they have to be nice to autistic kids.”

she could be truthful and looking out for me, or be looking out for me with a despairing view (no hope for others)

and the thing i’m upset about the most is that people that aren’t j or them hate me because IM autistic. im in honors but still seen as slow. j is very smart but seen as slow. yes, i can see why people wouldn’t like the fact that he’s eccentric or socially awkward, but you should never assume he’s slow, especially when he’s highly intelligent.

this has been on my mind a bit, especially as someone who’s faced discrimination their whole life for being autistic.

this, however, goes back to fourth grade. i was 9 & 10. my school social worker was named mrs. h, and she acted a lot like a high school “mean girl”.

my dad called her bipolar once due to the fact that she’d be aggressive and rude one day, and perfectly cheerful the next.

sadly, i never spoke to s again, but i was once placed in a group with her. nothing ever bad happened with her, except for when she said she didn’t like talking about my interests but mrs. h wanted me to listen to hers. i later found out s didn’t even care if she heard about my interests but mrs. h told her to say she didn’t like it.

i found out that s didn’t even like mrs h because she apparently threatened s to say things that were untrue and harmful, and made her (an 11 year old) cry for not wanting to.

afterwards, i was in a group with r, t, and z. i only currently know t because neither r nor z go here.

i always had these ideas for hangouts with the three so i could make friends during weekly lunch groups with mrs. h, but they’d always be like “nooo… i don’t really want to.” or what z said: “yeah but other people would be left out if only us 4 hung out” (despite the fact that z & t always hung out).

mrs. h would then be like “looks like they don’t wanna hang out with you,” and shrug

I don’t quite remember what r did, but she was constantly rude. then she’d smile at me and want to hang out.

there were several times mrs. h defending my being bullied, said being hit by bullies was “ok”. i also have a history of going on online chat rooms at age 7-8, and every day i was convinced being harassed by those predators was my fault. a crime. after all, it was just like mrs. H and everyone said: i did this to myself and therefore deserved my trauma.

she asked me once “does anyone in your family drink?”

i said: “my dad has a bottle of beer every so often with dinner.”

when i came home, my family was angry and told me “mrs. h called and said you told her your whole family was in rehab.”

i, of course, never said this.

in lunch groups, she would also get mad at me for stimming and wouldn’t let me speak to others, constantly interrupting me and punishing me for speaking when she’d let other kids speak.

cross-posted from: https://lemmy.blahaj.zone/post/24841113

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i’m constantly told to give up on my goals. they’re not even unrealistic, i don’t want to be a big, giant unicorn who saves the world or something.

my (18f) sister (13f) has severe ocd and depression [is seeing a professional, will take meds]. she is constantly venting to me, walking in when i’m trying to do something private, etc. when i dont respond to her text right away, she tells me i hate her and she “knows i don’t care abt her”.

she constantly wants connections with others, but when they don’t give her exactly what she wants 24/7, she says she hates them and never wants to speak to them again.

i love her but idk how to help.

i know it’s not just “teenage hormones” (18f). i cannot yet be given a diagnosis on anything though i will be talking to a psychiatrist. this is really fucked up, i hate this so much.

i’ll be full of energy, all these ideas and motivation. i’ll talk really fast and have no need for sleep.

then, i’ll get depressed. i was doing GREAT all week and today, but now i’m about to cry simply because my friend only spends time with her friend group and never me. i was mad at that and suddenly ready to block everyone but i feel guilty and im mad at myself for being this way.

i know she can hang out with her trio, i know we’re still friends. i normally wouldn’t be mad but i truly think i’m going insane.

the woman who hurt me for years always finds a way to blame me for things. things are never her fault, and she thinks i’m disgusting or inferior because of my disabilities.

she’s nice to everyone else regardless of their disability, but they either have adhd or autism + adhd so maybe autism + bipolar isn’t “one of the good diagnoses”.

she’s charismatic so everyone defends her. they either don’t know about her or dont care as long as she isn’t hurting them because they love her so much.

she flirts with all her friends and told me I was too “disgusting” to flirt with and that she “hates threesomes” and that we “weren’t close enough to be friends” even though she finds me “too inferior” to even try and be my friend.

she’s fixated on me to an extent it feels, going out of her way to piss me off, make me jealous/hurt, making rude “jokes” (which are more annoying than hurtful) but then acting like she does this with all her friends.

she tries to be friends with my friends in a weird way, such as being overly nice and touching their shoulder/head, and it has been reported several times that she is somewhat creepy towards children irl and especially online and will go out of her way to follow and “befriend” children under 13 on social media apps. she has also defended people who like children romantically and saying that their romance should be okay.

I keep trying to give her the benefit of the doubt and holding onto hope that she’s a good person who just suffered a lot and that she actually likes me, but I know she doesn’t and I get hurt every time I give her that benefit.

seriously, someone I know caused me to show signs of ptsd which was later diagnosed and i feel actually anxious and nauseous around her with constant nightmares of her but apparently that’s okay that shes causing me to feel that way because “she was just having a bad day” and “there’s nothing wrong with an introvert being distant to people”.

because being introverted = harming someone to the point they have ptsd. and since she was having a bad day and the poor woman suffers so much, of course it should be okay!!

it’s sick how badly abusing someone for years for their disability and thinking they’re disgusting and deserve death goes unpunished.

So, my ex Issac (19nb, ~16nb at the time) [pronouns he/they] was my friend from therapy group. He was really friendly towards me (and handsome!) so I (at the time 15f) started to have a slight crush on him.

At one point, he casually mentioned that he had a partner, so I decided not to proceed any further and let the feelings die.

Since, at the time, his phone got taken away, I couldn’t get any contact information from him, when he left the group and therapy group ended with the leader getting a new job somewhere else, I didn’t see Issac for a while.

I moved on forever. I didn’t like him anymore and never would that way, or so I thought.

I still go to therapy, just with a new therapist. While I was waiting to talk to her one day, I saw Issac again playing a video game on his phone. I was ecstatic, and started chatting with him.

I got his contact information and we started to become friends again. Issac became the kind of guy with a ton of friends, but he’s also dependent on drugs and alcohol, and was high or drunk (or both) 75% of the time we called.

Issac is currently dating a man, Ryan. However, Issac’s bi, so he can also be attracted to women. I found out I was one of those women, and it clearly ruined our friendship.

Talking to him, I started to gain old feelings, though I didn’t realize it until the day he confessed.

He confessed on a call that he liked me, and wondered what I would do if he “hypothetically did”. I said I wouldn’t care, because I liked him too and started liking him a few years back and a few months after we met.

I knew about his BF Ryan, but since he said that he was in an open relationship, I (wrongly) took that to mean Ryan was okay with him seeing other people.

Issac asked me later if we were official, and I said yes.

For a few days, we had a honeymoon stage, where we would be very happy and he would discuss how pretty I was and how badly he wanted to kiss me. This phase quickly faded.

He started to almost completely cut contact with me and act very anxious, apparently because he felt bad that Ryan didn’t even know about us.

He eventually told Ryan, who said he’d have to think about it, and then said they were exclusive, so we broke up.

I was upset for many reasons, but Issac was just like “I like him more than you?! I’m already dating him!!”

I still like him as we just broke up but I’m trying to move on. I can’t even talk about things because Issac is just completely leaving my messages on read, saying he’s typing, then not responding.

my bf is poly and already has a bf, so he doesn’t want to initiate anything with me. he doesn’t wanna call nor hang out, and he always texts very dry. he’s nice, but i don’t feel loved.

I’m not doing well mentally though. my gf already ignores me (she and i are poly too) and i feel like i will die if he breaks up (though i clearly won’t die)