Technology is supposed to be simple, intuitive, basic and convenient.

But my experience today, has been infuriating, stress-inducing and unnecessarily excessive. I had to go to my local bank branch today to sign a PAL loan. I wouldn't have had to go in-person, if it wasn't for the overly annoying way my bank has to verify you. The digital signing document they sent me? Required a fucking verification. Like, to even ask for a PAL loan, you need to put down your information. So, why in the FLYING FUCK, do you NEED to verify me when I just gave you everything needed to know me by?!

Then, they wanted me to add my numbers to the settings for preferred contact. I kid you not, I had to have 3 codes sent to my phone number PER section. Home? 3 Codes. Mobile? 3 codes. That's SIX codes I had to have gone through, JUST TO FUCKING REGISTER A PHONE NUMBER!!! And STILL, the fucking digital verification system they have, DOESN'T SEND ME IT! So I had to drive the fuck down to my bank, because I didn't want to fucking go out today and deal with dumbfucks (I already dealt with dumbfucks at work, don't need more).

Had to spend, oh, 50 minutes there, WAITING FOR SHIT THAT COULD'VE BEEN DONE IN 1 MINUTE!!

Then I get the fuck home, realized "shit, I need to talk to StateFarm about my beacon" because it hasn't fucking worked for some reason. Forgot my login, but wait, shit! The fucking browsers I use - SOMEHOW FUCKING FORGOT MY LOGIN INFORMATION BECAUSE REASONS!!!

Had to fucking talk to a god damn live chat representative, go through THAT fucking obstacle course. THAT WASN'T ENOUGH! I HAVE TO FUCKING VERIFY TO LOG IN WITH MY TEMPORARY PASSWORD AFTER UPDATING IT?! YOU FUCKING CUNTS!! I FUCKING HATE YOU!!

And Chrome seems to have it where, it doesn't sync with mobile and desktop as I feel it should. The fucking Chrome browser on phone, REQUIRES you to fucking add a fucking security measure so you have to enter a fucking pin EVERY TIME YOU WANT TO FUCKING SO MUCH EDIT OR ACCESS SAVED PASSWORDS!

FUCK THIS BULLSHIT! FUCK ALL OF IT!!

Financially I’m really well off, I have a pension, Social Security and amble savings. Health wise, not doing so great. Bone marrow slowing dying, arthritis and asthmas.

I have to give myself a couple of injections every week, it’s unpleasant to put a needle deep into your thigh.

Yet, at the same time, I’m not doing that bad. I went for 13 miles ebike ride in 90 degree heat yesterday, and it didn’t even phase me.

The slow decline of red blood cell count from the bone marrow is the most disturbing part. I try not to think about because it really crushes me. But my 6 month visit to the oncology is coming up, so I have to think about it. I probably have another 7 to 10 years left, maybe.

It’s really hard to look at your own death approaching. But oddly I’m not looking for sympathy. In fact I’d prefer you keep your condolences and well wishes to yourselves. They mean nothing to someone in my situation.

You’d think I’m writing about my health problems but I’m not. That was just background. With all that is happening, the thing that haunts my days is Trump, the death of American democracy, Israel’s genocidal action, the wars in the Ukraine and Iran.

The evil that is consuming our world really upsets me. Even thought it has no really measurable effect on my life. I live in a nice house in Florida. Access to food, medicine and health care is not a problem. Okay, it’s Florida level health care, which is way lower quality than up north, but still I’m doing okay.

Yet all this evil haunts my dreams, without in any way directly affecting me. Okay, gas is a bit more expensive, and so is food, but it’s not big deal. I’ll be dead before the money runs out.

And yet it seems all I can think about is how evil my country has become and how bad the world is.

Then there are these stupid fucking data centers. Draining resources and making peoples lives hell for no useful reason. A creeping mindless blight that is the exact opposite of sustainable living. While supporting a product that doesn’t even work.

I’ve tested all the big ai models. They are crap! Lying, manipulative, intentionally deceptive, censorship crap. Honestly WTF is the fuss about? It’s like having a conversation with a sycophantic sociopath who’s trying to get you to harm yourself.

I don’t understand my reaction to world events. I should be indifferent or uncaring. Lord knows my neighbors are. This is a deeply maga area called the Villages. I thought I was retiring to a quiet community of caring grandparents, but these people are really self centered selfish drunks, who are off their meds and carrying a gun. All while reveling in the violent brutality that is trump.

Anyway, I wish I didn’t care so much. I wish this didn’t bother me. I wish I understood why it bothers me. I mean I’ll be lucky to live another 10 years. I guess it would bother me less if I knew that we had a president and congress trying to make the world a better place. Bad things always happen, and the best you can do is try fighting against them. But now we, the USA, have become the bad things. We have become the source of evil in the world.

I spent my life working for the army, GS, not a green suit. I thought I was doing the right thing defending the country from its enemies. But now we are the bad guys. I guess I didn’t want to leave this world knowing my life was just a waste of time. That nothing I’ve done has had any meaning, as it all gets washed away in a flood of vile people doing evil things.

It really depresses me more than it probably should. So I decided to post this and get it all off my chest.

Also, no, I'm not clinically depressed, I'm just unhappy with the world.

In a couple of weeks I'll get on a train and go visit my brother in NJ. I'm fine. It's just that these thoughts build up and I find posting them gets them out of my head. Much like keeping a diary helps people in troubling times.

cross-posted from: https://lemmy.world/post/46941411

I'm not doing so hot, but not for the reasons everyone keeps telling me to take my meds. It feels exactly like it did when I was fifteen, after the police interrogated me about a nonexistent bomb using hypothetical questions, but before being suspended. This is the same feeling I had throughout college. I know the boat is sinking yet can do nothing but plow forward.

World collapsing, not that there was much going for me before. I suppose I always have God, but that's part of the problem. If our fathers were our models for God, what does that tell us about God? For me, it's that I'm never good enough and I always have to go farther and harder and faster to appease my master.

I remember an invitational early in my junior year of high school track where I just couldn't run fast. My coach wasn't worried as it was the beginning of the season and he was preparing us for those races that mattered. My dad was having none of it. He screamed at me while I was running in the same way he yelled at us in Little League; with borderline fucking death threats. He was "livid" the whole way home, which is a very specific word he used when he would methodically go through my soul and shit in every inch of it.

And this is where I'm falling apart, because my life partner is deliberately evoking these feelings by being like my negligent, narcissistic father, and I can't take it anymore. And the thing that kills me is wondering if him taking some pills is going to magick him back to being the man I fell in love with, and that is fucking with my head. Is he so capable and callous that he is using me for his ends and he can be nice to me in the ways a considerate person might, but just chooses to make me feel this way?

I can't even trust my ability to love. He could be playing with that! Certainly love bombs me enough, but he doesn't know what that is just as he doesn't know anything about "jedi mind tricks" he told me about once. He's intentionally dense and aloof. Maybe? Is that his definite schizoid-type disorder? I can't tell what reality is.

Just keep trusting, just keep giving, and that was what I did in the cult. I let them walk all over me. They used me. And I genuinely think they did it for my benefit. I don't know what's real. The world doesn't even exist as a physical, external object to us. That's easy to understand, how the Earth is an illusion, but the circumstances of my life? Impossible to discern anything from.

Most people revel in nostalgia, but I hate going into it too much. There is something tragic in remembering only the good parts of the past, but not being able to come back to it.

And, like many I suppose, we had a complicated relationship.

He was a mean drunk during my childhood and early adolescence, quit booze and started making an effort when I was 13 or 14 (but getting too old to really bond with him at that point), and then only saw each other when I was home for college in my early adulthood. I always appreciated how he tried to be a better dad with my younger siblings, because his effort showed how much he wanted that second chance.

That said, my parents saved nothing for retirement and 99% of my conversations with him as an adult were him calling to borrow money. It wasn't entirely his fault. He had a thriving roofing business until 2008, and now we can look back and see that (at least here in the US) basically everyone's purchasing power was permanently lowered after that. His mistake was adopting so many kids so late in life. His kindness outweighed his good sense.

He started working in the 1950's at age 11 and never stopped, supporting his younger siblings and his mom. (His father died young.) Until a few months ago he was driving with my mom for DoorDash at age 83, because that's just how cruel and uncaring the US is to people.

And, he was very sick. Two years ago he was having trouble using a seat belt and basic door locks due to mild dementia, and he once lost control of his bladder in my car, which I've lent mom and dad for the past two years. When I visited him six weeks ago, it was clear to me that he was dying. Thankfully he woke up for a bit, knew I was there, and I told him to relax because we weren't getting on the roof today.

Still, it feels more like an uncle or a distant grandparent has passed away. Not my dad. I'm really just over here glad that he's no longer in pain and wishing he hadn't lived through all this the last five years.

I will honor him for the quiet kindnesses he showed me, like when he put $1000 in my hands to pay a tuition bill in college so I wouldn't have to quit, or the times he put a blanket over me when I was a kid or carried me to bed and tucked me in, or the time when I was four when he somehow found the money to get surgery for my eyes. I'm also grateful he hired me (and six weeks later fired me) to roof one summer, with (I now understand) the intention of making sure I never chose the life he did because it's such hard physical work.

Now I just hope there's an afterlife where he gets to sit on his ass for more than five minutes and not be surrounded by a bunch of kids.

I mean yeah the car obviously feels different but its still driving at the end of the day, i don't regret it but at least i now know for next time to curve the excitement down a bit

All I do is think. I spend the majority of my time alone so i'm constantly alone with my thoughts. The distractions aren't working anymore. It's maddening. I think about my life as it exists, my life as I wish it existed, my fears, my hopes, and anything else you could possibly conceive. I have OCD so a lot of my thoughts revolve around sexuality, identity, and more existential concepts. If you have OCD you probably understand at least some of what i'm talking about. I just want it to stop. I can't focus on anything, even videogames which I very much enjoyed. I just sit and rot. Don't even get me started on the compulsive porn binging and jerk sessions. I really don't know what to do. In case anyone is worried I'm not in any danger. I just can't keep this to myself anymore. I wish I could just shut my brain off and take a long needed rest.

Even when it's serious, it's just a shitty situation. I know everybody has to take care of themselves and that's why I try not to go to work when sick but most often that's what I'd like to do.

Like I'm a socialist and all but I hate the situation of talking to my boss and telling them I can't come in :(

I fucked each of you in your mouth, shut up, shut up, shut up, you stupid bitch, you made that choice yourself and then you're unhappy with the fucking result like it's my fault?? just just just SHUT your dirty mouth, you fuckking stupid bitch

Got arrested last night. First time for everything. Domestic assault in exacerbated circumstances. I hit him with an open hand and got choked out to earn a big gash in my foot that needed stitches. He told the cops I punched him and stomped on him. I don't remember stomping on him at all. The police were called over me screaming the loudest I could while being choked. It's ok. I know how this works out.

I went to the police before to find out he was lying about having a warrant, and upon going to the doctor the next day and started taking all my pills again, ny mind was clear enough to realize he lied about having HIV as well. He does it to control me, these sorts of things, because he is a narcissistic manipulator.

The individual event that set this off was that he did his narcissistic triangulation on me. So y'know, he got to tell police that the insane man he is forced to live with due to the circumstances he created so I feel bad about the only other opinion he has is becoming homeless, he got to tell police that I hit him for no reason besides he was opening a window.

It's bullshit! He doesn't just open a window; he then stands with his back to me, chanting, ignoring all this drastic, egregious things that are going to make ME homeless, and I sound crazy to the people outside, so I shut up.

He has the willpower of a monk, but he may have a screw loose, but that could also be his "jedi mind tricks" he talked about one time then denied he ever said such things. He stood outside my door for SEVEN HOURS knocking and chanting one time, not even for weed, he had that, he just wanted a $50 1/8 that day, which I am forced to pay for by taking loans from his father that I alone will be forced to pay back.

He sanctioned me from talking to his family. I'm not doing that. His mother being a witness to the changes in her son may be the only thing that gets him committed. He NEEDS psychiatric intervention, because right now he's a chimp with a machine gun, capable of feats nearing the Buddha's capacity, but being totally self-interested.

And this is just a small list! I put shitloads of holes in the wall, but he has torn things off the wall multiple times and intentionally sabotaged the washer/dryer and dushwasher FOR LITERALLY NO REASON! There was a patient that I was in the hospital with over a decade ago who was diagnosed with Operant Defiance Disorder and that's him. The only other person that could blow a gasket over being told they can't illegally smoke weed in the apartment they are illegally shacked in with their supply victim.

…and I doubt I will change. I’ve not had a boyfriend really ever. I’ve never had a stranger give me a compliment. I’ve never had someone ask me out—and follow through with it. This is all to say that my views and habits rely solely on sex. I’m fully jaded. I resent those who can literally pick whichever guy they want. I resent my best friend for her relationship with her bf. She was not divorced yet, just separated. This guy walked up to her, asked for her number, and that was it. No effort needed. I’ve put so much effort, only to never see anything of promise.

I want things that I cannot have.

Quick edit: I do not want or need sympathy or whatever. I just need to get this off of my chest. I bottle all of this up, and feel even more isolated, and alone.

I'm falling apart. Back on my bullshit. Can you blame me? I might be on the verge of becoming homeless again and my life partner just makes a fuss when I bring it up, however I do that. It's always the manner that I approach him that he criticizes and demands perfection in.

He asked me sincerely when we were still homeless to kill him. I was fucking up with Benadryl then, too, stealing it even because I thought I was going to die on that mountain. Then one day he says he talked with his dad and then we started getting money and we got inside in like two weeks. It's bullshit! He's fucking with my head intentionally, and it's breaking me down.

The cult was like this. Or was it Love School, that totes secret government reconditioning program that rewired my dopaminergic pathways so video games were no longer fun, so I wrote more and more and now we're here, at this level of thumbmancy, and still I can't support myself.

Get a job everyone bitches at me about. Ok. I just headbutted a huge hole in the wall, how long do you think I would last with a job? Get something using my writing skills? Ok. I've been trying. I never get even a reply back. Clearly I'm doing something wrong. I have the most poor judgment and I don't know what normal even is now, so how do I make someone actually go beyond my abysmal resume?

Keep posting I say. Get stoned God says. I keep posting because surely there's someone who CAN see me for what I am. People need to be told what to think. There ain't nothing like me, the plumbus of people. Is that beneficial to me or society? I mean, I see what purpose I was made for. Gotta go back to college to do that.

Can't ever make forward progress as everything SEEMS to be working against me, controlling me. Have to become more independent and autonomous. I'm so tired. I'm never good enough. I jump through God's hoops, and the asshole keeps raising the bar. I can't relax. I have to bust my ass, either writing or wordsmithing, which are two different skills. And it's never good enough.

Thanks dad. I confronted my negligent, narcissistic father and he goes on to try to shit in my soul by throwing that he learned my grandma died in a manner as one might use a dagger. Hasn't replied to my texts this morning. Prolly fuming and taking it out on everyone around him. Or maybe not! Maybe the man who broke me is just prejudiced against his own son.

I'm AUTOMATICALLY crazy and dismissed and ignored for weeks on end because I have the audacity to bring up that we live in a police state and that's why things are the way they are. But no, I don't have Trump Derangement Syndrome. I think the character he portrays to intentionally be portrayed that way in the media is an utter dog shit example of a human being, but I'm also aware he's a cop, so he's expected to be a piece of shit, for trust-related reasons.

And if you don't get that, speak into the mic.

https://youtu.be/EeVw48YCAA0

They're young and I try to be tolerant cause in the end he's as much a part of society as anyone else. But he's kind of a mean little shit that is friendly to my kid. I believe he has a diagnosis for something, I didn't want to pry and ask his parents. He's the kind of kid that sees red when he gets mad and can't control it. I have no idea why my kid gravitates towards him but also glad he can make friends with people like this cause I truly believe if you don't support kids like this they'll be ostracized and fall into some pretty terrible online influences etc as they get older. But man it's like stressful to hang out with him. He's so antagonistic and mean spirited. Alas, such is parenting.

• voting is useless and ineffective
• voting was useful and effective for Trump getting into office
• most Americans hate trump
• most Americans voted for Trump (well ok no but we're also counting the people who didn't vote as voting for Trump)
• Americans should do something!
• The Americans doing something aren't doing it right, they should do a violence!
• Americans are so violent omg
• Americans should do a general strike!
• does not talk about or signal boost the general strike
• All Americans deserve what's happening to them!
• Oh no these poor Americans getting shot and kidnapped!
• other countries should do something!
• it's America's mess they should be the one who clean it up!
• the opposition should be united!
• fuck Democrats, liberals, and anyone who isn't my specific level of left, no compromise for getting anyone into office!
• vote the Republicans out!
• but fuck Democrats don't vote for them!
• but also fuck third party voting is useless anyway!
• This is Donald Trump's fault!
• actually we're going to blame Democrats though

Like, I get that it's different people, but I never see anyone calling this out. I think the worst is people who say we should be united and then actively do things to divide people.

It's this seriously the best we can do? It just feels like people can't get their shit together. I'm tired of my own side being more willing to fight each other than the GOP.

Any interaction with nature is inherently destructive. Creating a hiking trail alters the surrounding environment no matter what you do. Walking off that built path is also destructive more or less. It's easy for the plants to recover from your footprints of course, but they shouldn't have to in the first place; it also sets the precedent for more destructive actions. How many parking lots were created at trail heads? Is there an easy way for people to get there without using a vehicle? Are all of your camping/hiking supplies natural, or are you going to be leaving behind microplastics with every footstep? Are you polluting the ground with PTFAs every time you dump out used water? How many micrograms of microplastics did you introduce into the area with your plastic bags of freeze dried meals? The soles of your shoes especially. I don't know of a single shoe I can buy that doesn't have synthetic soles. Recycled yes, but natural? Not unless I get clogs from the Netherlands.

The entire 'outdoor activity' industry almost seems like a way for people to cop out from responsibility for climate change. Like putting pro-environment stickers on your cars bumper, or buying a license plate that supports national parks. The horrible irony of it.

Many people will say it's important to get into nature every once in awhile, but what does that really cost? How much pollution are you creating to satisfy that need? How many other people are doing exactly the same thing? Is it sustainable? No, it isn't. Not even close. Unless you're going out there in moccasins, creating a shelter from leaves and sticks, wearing only organic cotton and using a canvas bag the entire time, it is impossible to "leave only footprints". Every step you leave behind bits of synthetic material that will persist for thousands of years and it's too easy to ignore that fact.

The most remote places on earth have measurable levels of PTFAs' and I'm certain those were put there not only by polluted rain, but also by people that wanted to camp at the most remote place on earth. They brought with them all their hiking gear, all of it synthetic. Including their non-stick pans. The morning coffee they had created pollution in what was once a pristine environment that will still be polluted for thousands of years because of their goddamn coffee.

Well, on the bright side there isn't much nature left anyway. Most of the protected areas in my country are only protected because the logging companies don't want them anymore. Unless you go really far into the mountains, the oldest forests you'll find are only about a century old since they were left to regrow after the whole area was clear-cut at the beginning of colonization. If you do travel out to the the old-growth, you'll certainly be passing a lot of active logging sites.

Camping and hiking serves no other purpose than another way to ignore your own guilt in the dying planet. I used to like camping, hiking especially, but now it carries the same emotional charge as visiting your beautiful, dying parent in hospice. All I see is waning beauty, what once was and what remains and it won't remain for much longer.

*I don't read any of your replies. It's just a rant. Some people on here dissecting it like it's a dissertation lol.

So, Microsoft has now made the "focused inbox" the standard in Outlook. It lets AI decide for you which e-mails are relevant and shown directly, and which aren't, and hidden behind a button (which is too complicated for the employees at my org to find).
Apparently, e-mails sent from the CEO to the entire org aren't relevant.
I google how to deactivate it.
The entire first page shows AI-written blogs.
On top of the Google page, of course, is an AI summary, which I don't trust.
So I click through to the source it uses.
It takes me to the Microsoft support forum where someone asked that exact question.
And find out that Microsoft now lets AI answer the questions there.

So when I'm looking for how to deactivate an AI, I get a reply by AI that sources another reply by AI.

If I then say "fuck Google" and wade through the official documentation, Microsoft redirects me to a page that AI-translates it to my language. Replacing the "de-de" string in the url with "en-us" I arrive at the original documentation. Which is of course also written by AI.

I'm sick of it.

It's always the same sentence structure which has "not this or that, but such such." The AI doesn't even make a proper sentence because it makes very terse ones, which makes it sound too dramatic than it needs to be, because it leads to a lot of pauses. That said, AI makes terse sentences because it doesn't know how to use commas to connect related ideas.

I'm not inherently opposed to AI, but seriously, I dread what will literacy be like for decades to come because even art and writing is being outsourced to AI. This will blunt the the most basic writing skills of humanity! I'm starting to sympathise more and more with John from "Brave New World" as time goes on. The "savages" have more soul than those who live with technology.

I don’t know if it’s just me, but every time I take my 12 lb small dog out for a walk and we come across another small dog, the other owner discourages the dog from socializing and keeps on walking. I can understand if their dog is intimidating, big, or dangerous. But surely, you can let your chihuahua or pug and my dog sniff each other for 30 seconds just to say hello.

I don’t want to misunderstand anything, so I’m hoping there’s a good reason for this. I do take him to our local dog parks to socialize with other dogs, but there’s something neighborly about letting our dogs say hi, and it makes me sad that it’s not a thing anymore.

Any thoughts on this are welcome. Thanks!

I know this is kinda stupid and obvious, but I hate reddit so much. They banned me and didn't tell me why. I assume it was because I said "dick" or that I wasn't interested in dating someone because she had a dick or something.

Many people here get quite touchy when it comes to politics and such, but outside of that it's pretty nice that I can pretty much post about whatever interests me and people show up in the comments being encouraging and genuinely curious.

So many times in real-life interactions I start talking about something I'm into, only to realize the other person doesn't really get it or just isn't interested so I just then steer the discussion to other things. Over time you learn to keep all that stuff to yourself, and it almost starts building up inside you. Then you end up dumping it on someone again and immediately regret it, which then just reinforces this negative loop.

Not here though. I could probably start making animal figures from pine cones tomorrow and posting them, and it'd likely hit the "front page" with dozens of comments in no time.

It's almost like there's this inner child in me who still wants to play, but that's embarrassing so it needs to stay hidden from "normal" people. Still, I suspect pretty much everyone is hiding that same part of themselves, and we'd all be a lot better off letting it out and not taking ourselves so seriously all the time.

I set myself a goal this year to try head to therapy as well as go to more social events. So far, so good. I did notice that I feel much happier and less depressed but for some reasons, it feels strange. Either I shouldn't be happy as the world is still a mess or that my happiness is only going to last for so long until I go back being mostly depressed and unoptimistic.

I just want to feel alive and not having my mental health restrict me from wanting to do various stuff. For the past month, I repaired a iPod, did couple sewing project and slowly become more sociable where I'm otherwise too scared to say anything. I'm still have social anxiety but it's not as terrible as it used to be and I'm slowly facing my fears.

Maybe I'm just scared that I'm putting a lot of effort to try improve my wellbeing that if I slip back, I feel like it's a wasted effort that I had put in.

All of it, war, business, technology, religion, the hustle and bustle, economy blah blah blah. Fuck man, stop. Its like... All bad. I've got this little window in my pocket that gives me a 30,000 foot view of what humans are doing on earth and on the whole? Its mostly bullshit. Fucking exhausting man. Chill the fuck out. So many of the issues we're grappling with as a species feel either self imposed or because we are arguing over what god or flag we believe in. So often it all feels pointless. Its tiring, I'm tired and I can't seem to look away from the multiple slow moving train wrecks barrelling towards us all and how knotted up we are about shit that doesn't seem important. I don't think it should be this complicated. Eat, sleep, get some play, work when you have to. Cmon man, cool it. Happy earth day, thanks for humoring my whining.

My best (and really only) friend is leaving town. Already her absence has been felt in a lot of our common circles, and this plus other typical life-related problems have me pretty down these past few days. Recently she's been the source of a lot of positive change in my life, and it's been harder than expected coming to terms with this update, even though this will hopefully be a great step forward for her. I think I'm strong enough to move on and continue improving myself without her, but I am still a bit worried about keeping up, and things will definitely be lonelier going forward

I confronted my dad about the shit of my childhood not too long ago. He hasn't said a word since. Is that love? He says he loves me, but he cuts me outta his life like he did the rest of my family when I was thirteen. I saw some of them when I was eighteen, and I didn't even remember my grandpa had cancer when this "doctor" came for preventative medicine recently, and I realize in the present how much my narcissistic father destroyed not only my life, but has made my brother "fragile" as my dad says, oblivious that his livid horse shit is nowhere near where a father needs to be.

And I forgive him, because he knows not what he does. I still have anger, but I am watching it go out for good. His "normal" isn't normal and he has no perspective to understand how he hurts people. I'm pausing here because I don't know what to say next. I don't want to speak ill of him, as he has moved mountains for me, yet he still hurt me and stunted my development in profound ways.

I think I've only recently become a "man," though that is a word defining an exponential range of being. In this picture I've attached, I say I'm the third one, and my life partner is the fourth, partially disentangled. Learning is cyclical, and in this, I am currently going over a previous concept I understood, how the Chakras form a "pharaoh crook" with your nerve plexusus, like a drooping flower whose budding head needs to be picked up to totally actualize their full potential of receiving AND generating light.

I want to teach my father what I've learned, to help him, but he doesn't give a shit. Can't tell God, with lead poisoning, that everything he believes is not just false but true AND false, as in, I want to make him understand what I do about consciousness and self-determination and Karma and kindness and compassion, so he stops being the source of his and many other people's suffering, but can't do that! By his dualistic logic choices, he can't hear the things I say because he has his bias against me that he holds onto because he was hurt by life and he found a way to wrangle control in his anger, so his anger rules him, as he identifies with it, cuz it helps him in times he loses control, and thus he justifies his anger out of compassion for himself as he is in pain.

Anger is like a fire; it only burns if it has fuel. You take away the source of the anger, the anger goes out. The world may trigger you, but your anger is your own to work with. Every time you resist the temptation to give in to anger, you become better at resisting anger as you strengthen your prefrontal cortex. "Let there be light..." implies sound came before light, and that is how the executive order logic structure of your brain is organized, in that it's your prefrontal cortex that reaches down to your animal mind and tells it to fuck off with that shit that makes you the most human.

But those are words I want to say to him. So I wrote them, so I process the underlying emotions and thus heal myself of my trauma.

Thus is the power of art.