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this post was submitted on 02 Sep 2023
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Privacy
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I just don’t bother with those sites. They are designed to exploit lonely men for money, with an abysmal success rate.
Just try and meet women some other way. Your chances of success certainly aren’t lower than online.
My chances of meeting someone IRL are definitely lower than online, but congrats on being neurotypical my dude.
I have adhd if that helps
But yes, your chances of meeting someone otherwise are not necessarily more in quantity, but more likely to succeed than being one of hundreds of dudes swiping on a woman. Regardless of if you are autistic
I mean... I've gone on 1 date using dating apps. I've gone on 0 using conventional methods of meeting people. (yes I've only been on one date in my life. I'm 28. Fuck me right?). Sounds like my autistic ass has slightly higher chance of not dying alone if I stick to the technological approach.
I mean, you do you of course, but in my opinion online you’re just that, someone struggling to connect by conventional means. Offline so to say you could still have your other attributes going for you, maybe you meet someone while you’re enjoying a hobby or activity and you could bond over that. Granted I have only had a handful of relationships myself as well (am mid thirties), but they all lasted between two and five years, so I would say they were reasonably successful. And I met all of them conventionally: while doing an apprenticeship, at university, going to the same gym at the same time for some weeks, and the classic friend‘s friend.
And I would hardly call myself smooth, it is just helpful to have more time to make a positive impression than a bored two second glance at someone’s phone before swiping.
Breh that attitude is 100% self defeating and contributing to the struggle you're having connecting with people both irl and online. Neurotypical people aren't all just good at everything you're not. They struggle with some things just as much as non-neurotypical people do. If there's one piece of advice id ask you to hear is not to focus on finding a date or someone to be with. Focus on developing your own independent interests and engage with the communities around those interests. But go into it with only the desire to connect with people, whatever form that takes. Do that enough times and you should start finding people who might just be interested in spending time with you rather than just sharing an activity together. Dating apps are dehumanizing and are for the hot and naturally charming, definitely not worth engaging unless you have an abundance of confidence and a tolerance for being value judged on every aspect of yourself.
Sounds like you are making a lot of assumptions about me. I do plenty of activities, have friends, etc. The issue is that my brain doesn't know how to engage romantically with people when the social context isn't crystal clear. Especially since I get overwhelmed in social situations with more than a handful of people, so big clubs and the like aren't an option. Things like "flirting", "being attractive", etc. are alien concepts to my neurology. So I'm out there living my life, but the way I live my life isn't ever going to intersect with me finding a partner. If it was, it would have happened by now.
People often try to give me advice (which generally seems to assume I'm some kind of basement-dwelling incel) like "treat women like you treat anyone else", "don't try too hard", or "don't put women on a pedestal", which frankly is all a bit insulting. I don't treat women any different than I treat men, I have some women friends/coworkers/classmates/acquaintances, and I get along well with them in general. But I've never in my life actually been romantically desired by a woman. And it's not for being ugly or anything; I've had close friends tell me there's nothing really wrong with my appearance. I literally just don't know how to be the kind of person that a woman would ever so much as consider as a romantic prospect.
With a dating app, the context is clear and explicit. Both people are on there for dating, so I don't need to deal with all of the bullshit subtext of understanding if someone is just being friendly or if they are actually interested in me. That stuff is impossible for me, and I basically have a 100% failure rate of catching feelings for women in my life who are just being nice to me but never actually thought of me as a possible partner.
Also, you're kidding yourself if you think meeting potential romantic prospects IRL doesn't require a certain amount of natural charm and charisma. I'd much rather at least use an app where I can meticulously craft a first impression instead of rely on my actual charisma in the moment to make a first impression. Literally everything you said in the last couple sentences of your reply applies to IRL trying to meet someone as well.