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this post was submitted on 10 Sep 2023
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My solution to the pronoun game has always been to not worry about it.
At some point, the person having non-standard pronouns made a decision to have their pronouns not match their physical appearance, so it's up to them to communicate that difference in some other way. If they fail to do that adequately, there will be misunderstandings. Sometimes, that means they have to straight-up tell people when they meet them, other times it might mean a correction when a mistake is made. I've seen people wear buttons at social events, even, and I thought that was a cute solution.
If they want to be a dick about it, I now know that they're not someone I particularly want to be around anyway.
From the non binary friends I know, this is basically it. It's not wrong if you genuinely get a pronoun wrong. What's wrong is if you are corrected and then purposely misgender them.
I have seen some people argue that you should never use pronouns unless you know but that's just not realistic. Use what you gather to be the most accurate, but if corrected accept the correction gracefully, and use the new ones from then on out.
Yes, you are correct. That's not a solution, but leaves all options open and everything is voluntary.
I don't believe there is a satisfactory solution for everyone at once, so I don't think you can do any better than this.
i just default to they/them for everyone unless i know for sure… nobody has ever been annoyed about it, and nobody has ever felt misgendered
I've been doing that since middle school and oh boy did it ever peeve my teachers.
On a rational level, I agree with this approach, for people who can do it. It doesn't work for me I practice, though, because breaking a 35 year habit takes effort and focus, and I just don't care enough about the subject to want to worry about it.