Me - small and picking my nose. "Dad, what did I do now?"

My dad (aka Unknown) is filed with fire and brimstone "Your sister pointed out you went to school without your cross to bear like Jesus did for all mankind but especially us. Is that true?"

"The cross is so heavy and it puts a dent in my shoulder!"

"So it's true. You're grounded. For six months. And I'm giving you a bigger, heavier cross to bear plus a crown of thorns. You mother was right. You need to be whipped into shape."

Son, I am so happy I didn't get brainwashed by satanists into aborting you.

tfw no ice cream