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Grandma's marriage advice
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this post was submitted on 19 Oct 2023
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Impossible. That perfect partner could turn darkside on you years into marriage.
Most people who marry think they found the perfect partner, but the divorce rates say otherwise.
You've clearly never been married and have no idea what you're talking about. Hiding secrets and saying it's impossible not to is the most destructive thing you could do to your marriage. On top of all, hiding assets from a spouse during a divorce amounts to contempt of court and carries a penalty and additional legal battles and expenses. Please don't recommend anyone to do it.
I'm just going to assume you (as I am) are a man. For women, this is a very real concern, and is still a somewhat common issue. I know two women if my family who were married for 10+ years before their partners had a sudden, violent change. For one of them their partner managed to empty all of their savings, and leave the country. She literally had to couch surf at 50 because she had nothing, and hadn't kept her own savings.
Sure but it's always good to keep a backup/bug out plan.
I would absolutely keep enough money set aside to at least get an apartment and furnish the necessities immediately. That's smart.
Then find a partner who is okay with having separate bank accounts that you can keep your own money in. It doesn't have to be a secret.
Right, so they can use the law against you and take it from you? Threaten you with violence until you give it?
Man y'all are very trusting lol
Why be in a relationship if you can't trust people at all. Better be alone then.
Like.... Legitimately I'd rather be single and never worry about it, rather than be that terrified of something like that.
Can it happen? Absolutely. I can name two people I know personally it happened to.
But to just assume that everyone is like that, and that the person you place your trust in will betray said trust and to think otherwise is stupid....... Like.... Just stay single then and stop trying to make other people as miserable as you?
I trust my wife, and I trust our separate bank accounts. If I need something, she sends it. If she needs something, I send it. My parents have their own accounts, as well as a joint account. They set all three up at the same time when they moved to the state.
Someone who mistrusts every single person to that degree, including their own spouse, is in need of therapy, because something needs to be worked out. And therapy works.
Therapy costs money too and she will need it when she is fleeing the abuse. Having a cash stash just in case, that's not big enough to be illegal or "hiding assets" but is enough to walk out the first time he hits her, instead of getting trapped into a cycle of abuse that leads to her death, is prudent for any woman. You're definitely speaking from a man's lived experience but just because you've never been made aware of it doesn't mean it's not all around you. Women literally put their life on the line in most heterosexual relationships. The person most likely to harm or kill a woman is not a stranger but her husband or boyfriend. And it's often the man who most vehemently argues against the idea, and says the woman is doing something wrong by hiding money, that she's not trusting enough or wanting to cheat, who will violently turn on her in rage one day for those same imagined affronts to his ownership of her. Which he'll deny right up to, and even after he does it. You want loyal, get a dog. Having a chance to escape is what makes staying a free choice.
You can trust people, I just advocate for a backup plan.
Thats what you can structure your seperate solo account that only you have access to to be then.
Why would you stay in that relationship at that point?
Point would be you wouldn't. Hence the secret bugout fund.
Dont get married then. Seriously. That level of background distrust is toxic to a relationship. Understandable? Sure. Healthy to act on? No
You are correct, that is smart.
Too bad financial intelligence isn't the only factor at play when it comes to a relationship.
That's a lot of money in modern times.
So...divorce them?
There is nothing wrong with keeping separate bank accounts but it's shady as fuck to keep a secret one. If you feel the need to do that, you don't trust them so you're clearly not in the right relationship
Well yes but it would be nice not to have to move in with parents that may be dead or assholes or friends that have no room. The secret stash is for moving out safely and quickly.
You seriously arent considering how a secret of that type can destroy your partners trust in you leading to THEM starting the divorce proceedings
You can have a stash without it being secret.
What's stopping a suddenly violent spouse from demanding the "stash"?
If you have separate bank accounts you are likely to have several thousands on one account. You can restrict the maximum amount you can withdraw in a day without visiting the bank personally. It would take a week or so to withdraw all the money and send it to your violent spouse.
The only way this would work is if you couldn't leave the house or call anyone - after all, you'd still have a large chunk of your money left. And if your spouse doesn't allow you to leave after becoming violent, what's to stop them from doing this if your stash was secret?
Also you can tell the bank the transaction was fraudulent and you'll likely get your money back.
This is the moment you use your stash to GTFO
Divorce rates are weird to me because they take the number of marriages in one year and the number of divorces and say the divorce rate is a percentage of marriages from that year.
But divorced folks could have been married any length of time, so it's not like half of the marriages in that specific year ended in divorce.
I'd say the one with the secret bank account is the one who's turned "darkside". What's worse, this is happening even before the marriage. Wonderful way to start a life together.
This is all hypothetical of course but there is an entire trope /genre of crime dramas that basically are "He was the perfect husband and father...until".
I think having just enough to move away in a secret safety fund is just smart planning. And hey if it turns out you rolled the dice and got a 20 on your spouse then hell buy them a gift with that money or something.
How do you know they didn't turn to the dark side because of the secrets
Socio/psychopaths have this gift of making them seem like the greatest thing until the mask slips off after getting comfortable aka after marriage.
Most of the entire "true crime" docudrama genre is spouses turned bad.
That's true and even something like a stroke can completely change a person.
Stroke, surgery, head trauma, misprescribed medications, undiagnosed mental/emotional health triggers, you name it. People can change, and often enough so do without their own choice in it.
"Forever" is a bedtime story.
The way a lot of people in the comments are talking, everyone is a psych/sociopath. Sure, it can happen, but the percentage of the population with such tendencies is so low, it makes it ridiculous coming from someone who doesn't carry an umbrella everywhere.
Sure, it's sunny, and there's nothing to indicate it will rain in the hour I'm gone, but every so often it happens and I'm prepared.
It would be easier if we could find out sooner or quickly if someone is psycho/socio/narc but the problem is is that they are so damn good at hiding it. Hell, a lot of them are very charismatic on top of it. Sometimes it takes years to figure it all out.
Sounds a little too close to victim shaming.
Can you name the victim I have shamed? I thought we were talking hypothetically here.
Hence, my phrasing. The angle of your comment lies a little too close to an irrational and negative tendency. I suggest moving away from that in the future.
Yes pointing out that lying to your partner can cause relationship issues is definitely irrational and negative. Virtue signal someone else.
Big words, kiddo. Hope they keep you warm at night.
Are you 12? Because you write like you're 12.
Yeah. Could be caused by mental health issues or something of the like. Pretty sure due to some mental health issues, my mom might have almost ended marriage with my dad a couple years back. Don't remember the details, though.
The real trick I’m hoping is openly having escape funds from the start. I’m actually worried my wife’s may be running lower than she leads me to believe. I want her to always have the option to leave if she feels she needs to, and I make sure I have the same
Yeah, I think it's important BOTH men and women have escape routes. I don't see it as a betrayal of trust. I see it as acknowledgement that despite the best of intentions and best ideals, life sometime doesn't work out the way it should, and both parties need to have some sort of lifeline in case something goes to shit.
Haha, like giving into the nine-tailed fox demon and destroying Konoha Gakure or what. I love your phrasing lmao
I think he meant more killing the children of your order, choking out your pregnant wife, and trying to murder your best friend.
Yeah she gave him one of those "combined sand things" for marriage and it was all downhill from there. Should have read the room, Padme.
Murder rates agree too
Why are y'all booing them, they're right!
Investigation Discovery's entire concept is murderous spouses.