People who hate sbmm hate it because they have to play with player of their skill level

I don't rule out that a lot of players simply want to stomp bad players, but that is not the only reason why people hate SBMM. The article mentions other two - long wait times and lack of variability. I believe that chess-like odds solve both.

And, sure, it wouldn't solve the "WAAAH I WANNA DESTROY NOOBZ!11 LOL LMAO" "issue", but... is it even fixable?

People who hate sbmm hate it because they have to play with player of their skill level, instead of just stomping bad players

Not entirely. While it's definitely true for some players (mostly content creators), people generally hate SBMM because they often end up in laggier lobbies. Nobody likes getting killed while you're behind cover, and CBMM directly remedies this.

For instance, I play Destiny 2, which switched from CBMM to SBMM a while back. I'm not a top player (top 48% in casual game mode according to D2Tracker), and even I hate SBMM since the games have always been of much lower quality since that switch. I'm actually playing lower-skilled players than I was in the CBMM days, because my region has a decent amount of high-skill players that I'd previously match up against. But now I'm playing lower-skilled players in higher-latency matches. That's not a good experience.

I'd rather lose to a player because they're better than me, not because their internet is trash.

CBMM should always be the default, no matter what the game is. SBMM can be used as a secondary filter, but making it the primary matchmaking factor is always going to be trouble for players of all skill levels.