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Do non-vegans really refuse to date vegans?
(self.vegan)
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this post was submitted on 08 Dec 2023
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Apologies for not being clear, I meant that I would hope just being vegan might subconsciously influence people to think about it, but I wouldn't hold any expectation or pressure them. It would be more of a hope that I have but I guess it wouldn't affect how I act or behave in any way. Is that still a deal-breaker?
To me it sounds like that hope could ultimately lead to resentment in the long term if they don't take on your values. You say it won't effect your actions, but it sounds more like you are lying to yourself about it's importance.
How would it make you feel if you started dating someone and they "hoped" you would eventually give eating meat a shot because it was something they valued deeply and they thought it might subconsciously influence you in that direction?
To be fair, it's a lifestyle/philosophy that extends beyond diet into other purchases as well. But if I'm not trying to make them vegan, I don't see what the problem is? Aside from potential inconvenience of me not partaking in some of the same things as they might typically, though there are alternatives...
Would the sole action of me buying different products to them/non-animal derived alternatives qualify as making something my entire identity? Just trying to get a feel of what the specific issue might be.
The issue is that even if you manage to completely prevent yourself from expressing it, you say that you'd hope they'll change their perspective to yours. A "positive influence". Hidden agendas no matter how well intentioned don't make for a solid relationship usually.
If your partner was secretly hoping you'd give up on veganism because they thought this was an inferior lifestyle, how would you feel?
Veganism is not just a diet. Plant based is yeah. Vegan, no. It's an overall morality thing that includes a diet.
Veganism is never just a dietary decision, it's always an ethical decision. Vegetarians, or pescatarians often make the choice just for health benefits, but veganism is a lifestyle. Veganism extends to your decisions about all products, including things like shoes, handbags, down comforters, etc.. I know vegans who definitely don't make veganism their one defining characteristic, but it's still a big part of who they are and how they choose to live their lives.
If I knew you had a constant hope for me to change it would be a huge NO.
It's not like I would actually try to change them in any way, though. What if I never mentioned it?
Part of a healthy relationship is accepting people for who they are, loving people for who they are. If you're secretly hoping that someone changes, then you're not accepting them for who they are. This is getting more into relationship advice than an answer to your question, but I think it's worth acknowledging. If they never know that you're hoping they'll change, then I guess it won't affect them, but it might affect you.
I don't think it's an easy thing, not to mention that it would be better for both if both had the same diet and lifestyle choices (obviously being vegan). For me, being vegan is not just that, but also the only morally right thing to do. So, if my partner wouldn't at least be vegetarian, this would be so hard, and I'd, at some point, just break up if I notice they don't understand what all of this is about.
You're saying that they don't need to "go vegan," but if they aren't doing it even slightly, then you're being disappointed by them. You might say you're not pushing anyone, but intentions will come out. At the very least, it's obvious that you have an agenda with it, so you might as well be with someone that aligns with your agenda.
Being vegan can mean many things, but ultimately, it's a lifestyle choice. Imagine if you were Christian instead, and you decided to date an atheist. And you weren't going to push them, but maybe you could influence them to be a little religious. You could pray at the dinner table, them joining optionally, of course (but greatly appreciated). Then for their birthday, you could give them a Bible, since they love to read.
There isn't anything wrong with being a vegan. I feel, however, that it is more than a personal practice to you, and you would be happiest with someone that is also vegan.