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Where do I look when seated at a restaurant to seem normal? (lemmy.world)

submitted 6 months ago* (last edited 6 months ago) by _number8_@lemmy.world to c/asklemmy@lemmy.world

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(when seated in a group with others, i should clarify. if i'm by myself i'm absolutely happy to be on my phone or book)

i genuinely have an issue. it's like....there's people on all sides. i need to rest my eyes somewhere, esp in a social setting which is already inherently a bit wearing

if you look down at your food, you look sad or disinterested or whatever
if you look at the ceiling that's insane, isn't it?

so that's down and up out. let's look at:

the sides, which have people there or nearly there, or obscuring the view of a nice window or painting, and you can't stare at people.

fuck fuck fuck. what about:

the center. oh no. this is the nightmare zone. let's break it down into 3 sections: the top contains their face, that's quite insane to look at. downwards, the table across from you with their food, that could seem like you're looking at their body very intently, can't do that. the middle? if it's a woman, then that's very much bad form. but if you're a guy generally attracted to women, part of your brain wants to look no matter what, at least a little. and since when you're sitting, forward is the most natural direction to look (you can't really turn around or move, particularly), so you keep coming back to it and AHH FUCK

fucking nightmare.

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[-] LanternEverywhere@kbin.social 15 points 6 months ago

(Not an insult) i assume you're autistic or have some autistic traits, so maybe people in the autism forums could help too.

Generally you can look at anything and everything you want to look at, but just don't do it for more than a few seconds in a row.

Like for example if there's two of you at a table and you're having a conservation then it would go something like this. look in you tablemate's eyes for 3-5 seconds, then look at your plate for a few seconds while you're using your utensils on your food, then look in your tablemate's eyes for another 3-5 seconds, then look at the wall decor for a few seconds, then back at your tablemate's eyes for a few seconds, then back on your plate to look at what you're eating for a few seconds, then back to your tablemate's eyes again for a few seconds. Now that i talk it out, i think it's right for about every other look to be at your tablemate's eyes.

Basically it's the same as any situation where you're having a conversation with someone. Look at their eyes for a few seconds, then look at something else for a couple seconds, then look back at their eyes again for a few seconds.

[-] pineapplelover@lemm.ee 5 points 6 months ago

I also think this. Am I autistic? I feel like normal people think these thoughts too. Any normal people here to verify?

[-] Willy@sh.itjust.works 6 points 6 months ago

there are no normal people here, but I can say I don't have to think about where I'm looking all the time. well, I sometimes have to catch myself not checking out cleavage.

[-] littlewonder@lemmy.world 5 points 6 months ago

No, this isn't a typical thing people think about. Which is why it's associated with autism, (social) anxiety, and/or ADHD. Now, it doesn't mean you definitely have any of those, but it's something to consider as part of a larger picture.

I suggest you pursue medical/therapeutic support if you find that this anxiety is negatively affecting how you live your life :)

[-] VaultBoyNewVegas@lemmy.world 3 points 6 months ago

I have ADHD and autism traits and I definitely have similar thoughts to op when I have to deal with unfamiliar situations. Like even a Drs appointment I have to mentally plan a conversation in my head about how they respond otherwise I'll forget to mention things.

[-] dingus@lemmy.world 3 points 6 months ago

I am definitely not "normal", but I do not think in autistic. I however have extreme social anxiety and I do think thoughts like the OP. So I think you can feel that way for more than one reason, be it autism or social anxiety or whatever

[-] Chee_Koala@lemmy.world 3 points 6 months ago

No diagnosis here, is that normie enough? We all have the spotlight effect, some more than others. Autism symptoms or diagnosis just point you in a viable direction for effective help.

Eye contact isn't so bad, as written here already: quick smile or nod that acknowledged the eye contact, then scan to the next point of Interest or head. I basically keep looking around all the time, unless my dinner date is speaking to me or visa versa, then I try to maintain contact at the table. Looking at you plate isnt so bad either.

The bad thing is staring, even more so if your gaze is not empty but clearly with intent. You can always fake 'coming back' from staring if this happens, move your face in a way that eludes the feeling you just 'woke up' from a stare, smile apologetically, move your gaze to the next item.

This might feel like a lot of work in the beginning, but you only just started and have been practicing awkward gazes all your life ^^ , so feeling a bit outside of your comfort zone is to be expected when trying these new things.

[-] pineapplelover@lemm.ee 1 points 6 months ago

I can't do eye contact. I feel it's very strange. But my friend told me that was kinda normal.

[-] RBWells@lemmy.world 1 points 6 months ago

I am normal (as far as I know) and sure, I think about things like this but the answer seems more obvious - I look at whatever has my attention at that moment. The flow of attention happens naturally, perhaps that is the difference. I think it's important to remember a couple of things:

People are all focused on themselves more than you.

It's fine to fake it. Social interaction at something like a group meal is a superficial thing, just do what everyone else is doing and ask a couple of questions, answer when someone speaks to you, enjoy the food.

[-] LanternEverywhere@kbin.social 0 points 6 months ago

Most people don't consciously think about these things very often at all. Generally there's only a very occasional sudden realization that you've been starting at a person's eyes for a bit too long and so look away for a moment. But really this is only a very very occasional thing. We almost never consciously think "ok where should i point my eyes now?"

Or at least that's how it is for me. I guess I'm assuming that's how it is for most people too.

this post was submitted on 07 May 2024

129 points (89.6% liked)

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