i really wish i had a job i could handle, ive had a mental health/autistic/OCD/PTSD breakdown at every job i've had. at one food delivery driver job i had to actively concentrate on not driving into oncoming traffic to end it all, it was exhausting mentally and physically and emotionally. no one at any of the jobs i've had would even talk to me or try to be friends, they were already friends with everyone else there (all highschoolers, younger enough than me that we had nothing in common - which is true for all other age groups as well since i'm an unlikeable weirdo) and ignored me, i just stood silently in the corner when no one needed me to do something in particular. i'm not good enough at math (number dyslexia maybe? i cannot even keep numbers straight during simple addition or subtraction, i need a calculator to do any kind of multiplication or division) to 'lrn2code', i have involuntary psycho-physical responses to social situations (my face and hands get tingly and numb), i'm too ugly to be a youtuber or streamer (i have had bad acne that doesn't go away even though i wash all the time and have tried several treatments, for my entire life, even now into my 30s), and i've just given up on ever making any money with art since i can't force myself to bother creating anything even though i have more free time than anyone could possibly ever need - it's just a draining psychodrama of self-worth and failure. I am already exhausted, i am at my absolute wit's end just trying to 'tread water' in my failperson life arc, it's already nearly impossible for me to pretend like i'm not constantly thinking about suicide so that those around me aren't disturbed or upset. and then my dad uses every chance he gets to shoehorn 'get a job' into conversations and its like 'i am fully aware of how fucked i am and am doing my best to not panic as i ride the conveyor belt to poverty and shortly thereafter death, the amount of times i have been lectured is not the primary obstacle to me finding stable employment' and i'm still better off than like 90% of people because i have a less-toxic-than-average family that doesn't charge me rent (yet) so i feel like a douchebag for even bothering to process my experiences while people out there get genocided and forced into agricultural slave labor and mining at gunpoint. don't even get me started on how impossible it is to even consider any kind of relationship or romance in this context, even if there were people interested in me (which there will never be as i am apparently the Least Relatable Person Ever), i would have no 'space' for them, i would only be a mental and emotional drain on others.