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this post was submitted on 20 Aug 2024
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In 2006, I think, a tv movie United 93 or whatever that damn plane was aired when I was at a friend's house. I forget the exact argument but it started with me trying to say I thought it was bad the way we thought of people generally after 9/11 (sand n-word was a common phrase to hear until Obama in my neck of the woods, and not just from crackers) - again I don't remember the actual word for word of it and I'm sure teenage me said everything the msot confrontational way because teenagers be like that, but what I do remember is ending at something like "That makes me ashamed to be an American"
CW: Abuse
spoiler
I was blacklisted, in the entire neighborhood, at school, at work, my damn probation officer heard about it -- I was on probation because my step father beat the shit out of me and I got charged with assault, the police told him to do it because I tried to run away, guess why I was doing that .. . anyway, I had a lot of extra bullshit in my last two highschool years because one time I said maybe Muslims are human.I remember the Bush years - America lost its fucking mind. It was, without a doubt (and in my experience), worse than anything vis pure racism until Oct. 7. We lost our minds again. It's all back. And my ass is keeping my head down this time cause. . there's nothing else to be done.
CW: Dark thoughts, this made me spiral a bit, only read if you're okay with that and you either have no comment or "yeah, sucks" or similar. Still, the idea someone might read and have that response makes it worth posting, feel a little better.
spoiler
I really don't know what else to say there . . I wish I could do something. I live in BFE, almost everyone here is just awful, and the ones who aren't are just as scared as I am. I don't want to die a pointless, useless, death because I came back out of the closet (went in after Biden, stuff started going bad fast in reaction and I had to move again anyway) or I said Free Palestine to the wrong fascist. These people terrify me, I've seen what they will do, and I have nowhere else to go. Mum let me live in her barn when my landlord sold my place and I couldn't make new rents and Walmart laid me off shortly after the eviction notice anyway. How do you fight a genocide if you can't even be who you are? If you can barely keep yourself and your fuzzy friends fed? I don't even have a bathroom or hot water or insulation. No orgs, no allies, just . . . America, in all its not-so-subtle evil. There's a reason I love (old) Stephen King novels - small towns do be like that tho.Things are bad.
edit: I do feel a little better an hour later after just having a little spiral, as a treat.
I've posted as well about how sickening the post 9/11 years were. It was a fucked up time if you were keeping tabs on things, even though not that much of it was hidden. People just ignored or accepted it. It became the background noise. It was like it was designed to make you feel insane if you had doubts, let alone voiced them.