I tend to hyperfixate. Every mistake I make or goal I don't immediately achieve can become a weapon I use against myself. I have spent hundreds of hours in therapy. Meditation can help but it is really hard for me to get started.

I injured my knee a few years ago and after trying arnica and a bunch of other drugs to manage the inflammation the PA told me to try smoking weed. Within a week the inflammation was under control and I discovered meditation was MUCH easier for me after smoking.

Now I know when I start to beat myself up I use my vape pen. Two puffs and 25 minutes later I will be able to slow down and mindfully check in with myself.

I start with some breathing. First slow breathes, then even breaths, then box breaths. After breathing I do a body scan, I start at my toes and work my way to my face. Then I feed my thought to a candle for a bit and imagine watching them turn into smoke.

Within half an hour the vape pen will be wearing off and I won't be able to stay in that state but I will be a lot nicer to my self and my family. Over the last 6 months I have lost 25 lbs and put together a new plan to find a new career, I am a few weeks away from my first certification since 2008 and have set up a new resume. I am making plans for the future and genuinely optimistic about my own life.

Pot and meditation have done what endless therapy and fists full of medications could not. I am in control of my own thoughts and feelings. I am able to make plans and follow through with plans that spawn months. I am in control of what and when I eat and sleep. I am a normal ass adult with responsibilities I actually attended to.