Sounds like you need to make some major changes in your life. If you aren't valuing your time left on earth then you almost certainly aren't resonating with your own desires and passions. Of course it's easier said than done and I have zero context for your circumstances, but it sounds like you've got a lot of work to do.

There isn't any fairness in the arc of our lives, there isn't anything to figure out when we lose people. Sometimes the best of us are gone early and the worst can outlive everyone. Nothing to understand there, justice is absent when death is the subject.

I'm sure you have your reasons to feel this way, and I get it. I genuinely hope and encourage you to find and bring the meaning to your own life that sounds like it's missing.

I've gone through a lot of loss and my own situation right now is a complete disaster, but I will forever refuse to succumb to an existence that doesn't resonate with my own meaning. I'd encourage you to do the same.

Change is a guarantee, embrace it. Your life is as valuable as any one else that has ever lived. Don't tell yourself otherwise. Embrace your own agency, life doesn't just happen to you, do something with it, do anything.

You deserve to give and receive love.

Especially when there are shitheads like Republicans and pedophiles and Nazis who don't deserve years like that.