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Why IS dating rule for guys
(lemmy.world)
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this post was submitted on 14 Nov 2024
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That s not true , of course doing the basic minimum of a normal human IS required but its not enough to have a gf today. The loneliness epidemic is real and not all lonely guy are complete moron. Personally I think one major factor is the privatization of love.
Ask someone out for coffee. Talk about your week. Ask about theirs. Don't treat the interaction as a pass/fail. Repeat. If you have mutual attraction then nature will play out.
Doing the bare minimum hygiene and the appearance of happiness drastically improves your chances.
Dating is for finding someone you enjoy being around. Sex is a result of growing closer.
Obviously some people have it easier than others but I have peers that just refuse to ask people out for coffee or a lunch. I'm a late millennial if that matters.
Be a decent person and if a love interest doesn't personally find you attractive they WILL tell their friends. NEVER talk poorly about your previous relationships. Learn a few jokes.
The privatization of love is a real problem but the classic approach isn't dead.
Who?
Get out of the house. Join some group activities. Enrich yourself. Make some friends.
If you are looking for a more specific example then try yoga or an exercise group like cycling. These kind of activities signal that you are looking to improve yourself and that is always a plus. Just remember not to leer and be polite.
OK, I've been weightlifting and bouldering for three years now.
Now what? Neurotypicals like you never explain the next step.
I recommend not calling someone you exchanged two comments with neurotypical. It's quite rude and in this case outright wrong.
Since we are talking in circles refer to my first statement.
Ask someone out for coffee. (In case you are wondering the unwritten first rule is introduce yourself)
If you have someone like a therapist/counselor/psychologist. I reccomend you work with them to smooth your edges.
You're upset that other person is jumping to conclusions about you, yet you jumped to conclusions about the thread OP and something burger not having the ability to come up with the advice you doled out.
Your responses implied that they needed was some rudimentary social knowledge when they're trying to explain that the loneliness epidemic is more nuanced than the meme portrayed it as.
Tbh your advice was pretty typical
I said ask someone out to coffee and they responded "who"? The implication was that they aren't exposed to a lot of people.
Hopefully seeing my "typical" advice will inspire someone to give it a try instead of just ignoring it as a neurotypical approach.
I'm just trying to spread advice on what worked for me. And I'm speaking in general whereas Nothing burger directly called me neurotypical with the intent to discredit my advice.
That being said I'm getting a little adgitated by some of the dms I have received.
Again: who? That part is always missing. "Talk to people!" and say what? I can't go to a random person and ask them what their favorite color is. How do I pick a person and what do I tell them? This question is seemingly impossible to answer, as no one ever gave me one.
I don't believe in pseudo-science. Those people can't do anything. They are not real doctors. They will not cure my autism. Plus, they are expensive and not reimbursed by social security (this is how you know it's a scam, unlike actual medical professionals).
Therapists et al aren't trying to cure autism. They help people navigate social situations, personal and social problems and confusion, and (this part is unrelated) emotional and psychological issues.
You may be able to benefit from a therapist helping discover a set of unspoken rules that certain social interactions are based on, and create a plan of action to engage using those rules, instead of "curing your autism" which isn't possible.
Have a good day. I don't think I can achieve anything here over text.
Therapy and psychology is valid. There are plenty of providers that operate with a sliding scale and if you income is what I assume you will be free/low cost case.
You don't need to "cure" your autism. You just need to identify the parts of you that are more abrasive and manage them.
I hope you find what you are looking for, or at the least find someone to help you work on yourself.
And you didn't answer my question : who do I talk to and what do I say to them? Every time. You people are so predictable.
Literally anyone you see regularly see. Make light eye contact and smile. After a couple times seeing the same person just try something simple:
" I see you here often. Do you know ______?"
A: Yes/ "Ya they have been coming here since _____. I started back in ________."
B: No/ "Oh, well I'm ________ it's a pleasure to meet you."
You are planting seeds of discourse. It makes you more approachable.
I have engaged you here in good faith so I'd appreciate the same in return.
You're telling me to be annoying or a creep. Talking to someone unsolicited isn't generally accepted (this is something I learned from some female friends who say they don't want anyone talking to them at the gym, and from myself because the only people that talk to me in random situations are crazy or asking for money).
Being sociable ≠ Being annoying/creepy
That's all about intent. You gauge a response using body language. My gym has a racquetball court. I get asked to play all the time by random people. Be friendly and people will come to you. I had a problem with facial expressions growing up and I worked on mirroring. I mostly do it without thinking these days but it didn't start that way.
You can meet people at the gym. General rule is don't be disruptive.
If you like, we can do the ol' earpiece while I hide in the bushes trick.
I mean, you can't just get fit and expect someone to come knocking on your door. If you are feeling good about your looks now, that's an accomplishment you can be happy about, and should, but it doesn't send out some secret signal that you are ready for a relationship. You have to talk to actual people. You can meet them out in the world or on an app, you can also tell any friends you have that you are looking to start dating, network. I think friends of friends and dating apps are the most usual ways of getting dates now. When I was young we just hung out in groups and some people always people ended up paired off, didn't really date per se, but my kids don't seem to do that as much.
So basically - now you are happy about your physical shape, you still have to reach out to people, that is the next step.
I'm not. It took me almost 4 years to have a normal BMI, yet I'm still super skinny, my face is still horrible, and I'm not even that good at weight lifting (bench-pressing 60kg is terrible).
Who? And say what?
This "advice" is always repeated by people like you, yet they can't answer the most basic question about it.
They know, but what can they do about it?
I used several apps for 2 years and got nothing. Maybe a match every six months. Those apps are scams anyway; I know for a fact Tinder shadowbans accounts of people they deem too ugly. I did an experiment with a friend once; we both set our search perimeter to less than a kilometer. I could see her account, but she couldn't see mine.
Again: who? Say what? I asked that question to several people over the years, both IRL and on Reddit/Lemmy, and NEVER got an answer.
You are talking to us here, now. I know you do rock climbing and weight lifting. If you have friends, you talk to them too. It's not different from that. You are doing it already. There's not a formula.
What friends can do is tell their friends you are a great guy and introduce you to other people. That's what networking is, the same way you network computers, you network human relationships, by connecting them.
I did not randomly send you a DM. We were both on the same thread (so a conversation subject was already decided), and the very structure of Lemmy makes it acceptable to reply to random people in various threads, with the added benefit of it being in written form. Real life is very different; I can't just listen to conversations people I don't know are having, and randomly interject when I feel I have something relevant to say.
I understand what that is, but it cannot work. I know one tried at least twice to hook me up with someone. They do not have the power to fix me. No one does.
Damn, I feel that to my core. One of the few benefits people like us would've had in the pre-internet days, was that striking up casual conversations with strangers was considered more acceptable. Thankfully, my (also neurodivergent) father set an example for that when I was growing up - he chatted up everyone, and as a consequence seemed to know people no matter where he went. Yeah, some people probably thought he talked too much, but so what? He wasn't bothered, and he occasionally made actual connections through it. At the very least, I imagine most people would recognize my father as a friendly guy.
I try to let that empower me, even though it's much easier said than done. The thing is, if you go into a conversation expecting to be viewed negatively, it's going to impact how the interaction goes. Also, something that took me a painfully long time to learn, is that internet strangers can't substitute for therapy. Just because neurotypicals know how to do something, doesn't mean they can explain how they do it. I held that same expectation through my youth, but since NTs never had to go through the socialization process step-by-step in order to learn it, expecting them to break it down the way you want them to simply isn't going to happen.
That is, unless they've studied it and know how to give constructive advice that makes sense from your perspective. And at that point, you're actually seeking a therapist anyway.
How else can I be viewed? Joining someone else's conversation uninvited is very impolite. This is not acceptable behavior. It's annoying at best, creepy at worst.
Therapists are charlatans. They aren't real doctors. They cannot heal, they cannot prescribe, they cannot operate.