This is a super common and often unspoken phenomenon for fathers. It took me two years to feel emotionally attached to my first. Those two years sucked. It felt like all work, no reward. I powered through because love is a choice and I love my family. Slowly but surely, it happened. It happens for most of us. Especially as they start taking interests in the things we are interested in. You start seeing yourself in them - their looks and how they behave.

I am 99% sure you’ll end up loving your kids. I have three now. Just power through. You’re FAR from alone. Ask me if you have any questions.

There's nothing wrong with not feeling some life changing experience when holding your child. Some people do, some don't and it is a bit overplayed by people.

Taking care of a baby is hard work and tiring. It can be overwhelming for first time parents and I recommend you talk with your wife about it and look into sharing the workload better so you can both get some time for yourselves, you could also ask your mother or other family members to help watch the kid so you and your wife can get a night out and relax. It will help a lot.

As for the other feelings I would honestly advise you to look into getting some professional help if possible. You can talk to your GP about it and they they can advise you on what to do or recommend you to specialized help.

But yea, hang in there, it gets better and as the kid grows they will be able to take care of themselves more and your workload will get lower. Though I have to warn you that if you build resentment for them they will pick it up at some point and they will be crushed. It shatters my heart to see kid suffer like that.

You started your post by saying you didn't want kids. That's why you're struggling. Your wife made you go against your values and now you have a huge responsibility.

Just chiming in real quick, don't have much time to write, i'm a father of 2.

It gets better my dear stranger. It actualy gets only better and better, it still amazes me.

3 weeks is just really the hardest part. But you have dedication (kudos on the breakfasts in bed) and you are not a violent person (how many times I have wanted to rip their head off lol) so you are already a great parent.

Parenting is just gross shit and hard work, but that's what we do, so let's do it really well. We owe it to ourselves. Keep on keeping on

Dad to dad, you'll feel the bond when the kid becomes more interactive and rational. Moms can connect that little blob with no problem. It's tougher for dads, at first. It all balances out though. What you are feeling is normal. Just stick with it and don't cheat on your wife.

I don't care for people in their larval stages either. I've never found babies cute and the sound of crying makes me angry, not sympathetic

What is fun though, is experiencing the world fresh through their eyes as they get older and develop the ability to communicate, and shifting some goals and focus to create great experiences for them

5 kids is fucking crazy though especially in the world today, Jesus

Disclaimer: I don't have kids. Feel free to ignore.

As far as I know, this is not that rare. Maybe you could go a more practical route. It's not obligatory to have lots of instincts kick in, but it is expected that you take care of the kid. It is however likely that after a while that you'll get some neat experiences with the kid. Funny episodes. After a while they might even turn into a good friend.

Anyway. Hats off to you. Good luck

Within the first three weeks, I ended up in the hospital from neglecting myself. The stress was insane. I didn't sleep more than a few hours.

So I learned two things. First, it does get better. Second, take care of yourself or you can't take care of the kid.

Also, stop doing chores. If it isn't necessary to live, it isn't necessary to do.

I felt similarly to you, wasn't really naive about what was involved but when we got into it after the birth it was like a cold shower - I questioned what I got myself into and felt super negative about it all. Babies crying also just seems to have this awful effect of making my blood boil too - amplified by poor sleeping from getting up multiple times in the night. Had to learn where my limits are and when to take a break/lean on my wife. My wife wanted 3 originally, which turned into 2 after we realized what having a kid is like lol, 2 is still a lot in my opinion.

Suffice to say it was extremely unpleasant for a while. Eventually, the kid started to become more interactive and that helped me significantly at least. When you can get a smile or a laugh out of them helps a lot. Slowly gets better as I can have little conversations with them now. It takes a while for that stuff to start happening though unfortunately.

I empathize with your situation though, at the time it felt like all the thoughts and feelings I was having were wrong and I couldn't talk to anyone about it. It's frustrating when it feels like society is telling you you're supposed to feel a certain way when you don't. I wished my parents were more honest with me about what they were experiencing when they had me but I chalk that up to them honestly not remembering, so I swore I would do my best to remember how miserable it can get so I can be honest if my kids ever ask and they can make more informed decisions. I don't regret having kids, they do bring me a lot of joy and pride as they get older now, but I regret making the decision to have them so lightly is all.

First, get some help. If your mom can come and just do something, anything then you'll have a moment to breathe.

The first three weeks are the absolute hardest. Its not that things get magically easier, just everyone involved levels up. It gets easier again at 6 weeks, 12 weeks, 6 months and then their personality really starts to shine.

I felt something right away. Definitely peak experience. But I don't think it helped with the difficulty of the first three weeks. What did help is the in-laws coming for a couple of weeks after the first month.

By month three, sleep was still an issue, but things were much, much easier.

Get help. Get a meal train. Prioritize and let the less important things go.

Hey!

I saw your post on my mobile yesterday and it struck a chord. I saved the link so I could go home and type on my laptop and give my reply the time it deserves. I know I'm replying quite late, but I hope my perspective helps anyway.

First off, everything you're feeling is understandable. I don't know if I'd say it's "normal", but I empathize with everything you've written. I have a 2-year old daughter, and it's not been easy. But my most important takeaway from your post is that you're trying. You're doing everything you can to support your wife and kid, and that alone puts you in the "good dad" category.

Look, it's not going to be easy. Your 3-week old is essentially a lump in human form. All he knows to do at the moment is drink, sleep, and poop/pee. He doesn't recognize you, he doesn't love you, he doesn't reciprocate anything you do, and he doesn't acknowledge you except when you're feeing him. He can barely even see you (kids that age have eyes that haven't learnt to focus yet). And that's how it's going to be for the foreseeable future. Having a kid this age is mostly a chore (or a job, like you described). Try to think of it as an investment for the future. All the hard work you're doing now pays off in the future when you have a healthy, happy child who loves you and knows how to show it.

But for now, it's going to suck. Your wife is probably going to go through post-partum depression, she's going to have mental crises about being a terrible mother about something or the other. I don't know if it's because of hormone imbalance, stress, lack of sleep, and/or a combination of all these. You're the one who's going to have to be there for her at those times. Your baby will (hopefully not) develop colic, or there will come a day when he cries for no reason and nothing you do will stop him and you'll start thinking about taking him to the doctor/ER and in your desperation, you'll hold him in a new hold and he'll suddenly quieten down because he loves being held like that. Some days are going to be a rollercoaster of activity, frustration, joy, etc.

And as for love ... in the last 2 years, there hasn't been a single moment that's hit me like "I NOW LOVE MY KID AND WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR HER." I mean, I would die/kill for her, but that's just family.

BUT -- there have been moments. Like one time she half-woke from a nap, saw my face, broke into a smile, and went back to sleep. One other time when she was very young and she ran into my arms. One time she absolutely insisted that only dad would help her put her shoes on and not mom. These are small wins that build. The more interactive they get, the more your relationship with them grows, the more in love you'll be. It'll take time. I'm not there yet, even with my 2-year-old, but I know I'll get there. I know I love her, even if I don't "feel" it yet.

In the meantime, sorry ... tough it out.

The only other advice I can give you is to ask for help. If your mom or some other family member can come help you and your wife out, it gets a little easier. Even if it's only for a weekend or a week at a time. Just having someone else at home who can change a diaper, or even just watch the kid while you take a nap or play a videogame for some time, will help.

All the best, you got this, don't sell yourself short.

EDITED TO ADD:

Newborns fall asleep very quickly, even in the middle of a feeding session. We used to tickle the bottom of our baby's feet to keep her awake during feeding times, both at the breast and with the bottle.

Also, try to find someone you can talk to about the stress you're feeling (if you can't do it with your wife). Your mom or a best friend, or just internet strangers. Hopefully it'll help you through the toughest times.

I have a 7 year old and can tell you your feelings are justified and not entirely unique. Father's have issues bonding and it takes time, at 3 weeks all the thing does is shit, eat, and sleep. Good on you for helping your wife with her post pardum and she continue to seek help with that. If it all begins to feel overwhelming, you should seek help too because men can also have post pardum, especially if the resentment builds and you begin having negative thoughts about neglecting the child.

All in all, the only thing I can really recommend is that you trudge through, lean on your wife a little more, she can probably take it, especially if you open up to her about your struggles. Sleep deprivation is a form of torture for a reason, but kids to begin to sleep better and have more of an emotional connection in the 3-6 month range.

Good luck.

For me it did get better but that thought (that I was never fully on board) may always be in the back of your mind.

We have 2. I was mostly up for it the first time but still had a lot of time in the first few months (for both kids) where, if I were typing my experience out, I also would have had to reassure people I was not violent. Very shortly after our second was born I got a vasectomy, which gave me some peace of mind.

The first 3 months were really rough for me, and then the next 3 were a little easier, and after 6 months they become humans and are a bit more interesting. Around a year when they start walking, and especially when they start talking a bit later it can be a lot of fun. But not all of it; there will still be incredibly frustrating moments where you’ll wonder why you got into it at all (which is obviously true of nearly anything).

So it does get better, especially once they get beyond the potato stage, and right now you just have to keep them - and yourself - alive (which isn’t too difficult, thankfully).

I too dont have any kids but to me, this is a key point in a relationship. You not wanting kids and her wanting 5 maybe should have been a flag before having kids

That said, it is what it is, and you are in it now so get the best out of it

There are pris and cons to having kids. Try to focus on the good things

I've always felt like living with the grandparents and uncles/aunts was a key component of making child-raising bearable. Two people isn't enough for one baby.

One thing that I feel hasn't been addressed enough by the comments:

**Stay. The hell. Away. From. Social. Media. **

It is toxic, and will bring nothing but misery, jealousy, and insecurity.

We had ours late in life, so had the hindsight of having our circle of friends going through parenthood before us. You mentioned 'social' pressure, norms, expectations, etc. All of them are amplified 10x by social media, which presents an unrealistic, curated view of parenthood. Not to mention the 50 different 'advice' on what you 'should' do as a parent. (You should breastfeed or your baby will be a serial killer. No, just start with formula, it will make your life easier. No, you should give them organic goat milk to help them grow better).

We deleted all the apps just before the baby was born. It has now been a few years since we touched any of them (except FB Marketplace, because buying anything new is ridiculous. And, I guess, Lemmy). The only pictures you'll find of our little one is in our family chat group. The only advice we'll take are from the midwives and nurses that keep track of the baby's growth, and has a 24h hotline for us to ask literally anything.

People you know, including parents, will give unsolicited advice. Feel free to listen to them, but know that most of the time you can tell them off or ignore them. This is your baby. Your family.

And feel free to ignore this advice from a stranger on Lemmy 🙂

You're not alone.

I never liked humans aged 0-10, and could only kinda stand adolescents and young adults in small doses.

But I wanted adult children because I wanted the relationship that I had with my parents from my 20's onward. Many of the well adjusted adults I know had or have really close relationships with their supportive, loving parents, and it seems like a relationship that goes both ways, between the 30-something child and the 60-something parent.

So now I have kids. I still don't really care for other people's children, although I've softened my views and attitudes towards them. But I love my own children, and I'm very excited about how they're developing into actual humans with their own personalities who will one day be their own full fledged adults who I love and who love me.

I found the helpless infant stages to be simultaneously boring and stressful. It wasn't until they were eating food that I cooked for them (5-6 months in) that started to feel an emotional connection, and some kind of meaning in parenting. Then, when they started talking I became more emotionally invested in the relationship.

It gets easier. The first 3 months are absolutely terrible.

OP, you're a good dad and husband. Keep trying and stay strong. I don't know if I could do what you are doing, and I don't have any advice to give, but just know I'm rooting for you over here. Nothing stays the same forever - one thing I do hear from people is that you blink and the kid is grown and you wonder where all the time went. I can't say for sure if that will happen, but this lifestyle change is temporary, at the very least, and you'll be feeling more normal as time goes on. Maybe once your son is more grown, there will be an opportunity to bond with him on a level you can't reach while he's an infant? Anyway, good luck!

thanks for the heads up, gotta buy condoms bye

Bonding happens over time no worries. But do try to relax a little more. When all you have is stress you cannot possibly enjoy the experience. Also thinking of the kid as a little you makes sense.

I always figured I'd have a kid(s) because...that's what you do right?

Oh boy

Struggling to find a connection is normal for a first-time dad. As I get bigger and they start taking on attributes you'll find there a reflection of you and that's really cool and it's really rewarding to see your energy that you put into a child bloom and grow.

Hate to put it this way but my read is in ten years you and that kid are going to be pretty close and I kind of doubt you'll still be with your SO.

Kind-of-not-caring-that-much is a pretty normal dad thing like others have stated. You show up, you be yourself, you do what you gotta do, there's no single "clouds open up and your entire brain floods with dopamine and seratonin while angels sing YOU'RE A DAD YOU'RE A DAD" moment.

But the fact that you can just be kind of normal turns out the be one of the things your kid likes about you. They start following you around or spending time with you to get some time away from Mom. They bring you little problems and you get to teach them things about the world.

And then you blink and they're a teenager and suddenly they're too cool to say "I love you Daddy" anymore and you aren't prepared for how much that hurts.

So anyway that's how it happens. Btw for what it's worth, I don't think it was just tiktok brainrot that gave your SO rose colored glasses about parenthood: evolutionary biology has its own ways to compel women to want to have babies just like it has its own ways to compel men to go along with it. That's... why we're all here.

The first few months kind of suck. No one likes being sleep deprived. And they don't do anything yet, so at best you have something kind of cute to look at, when it isn't screaming

I have kids, 3 of them, did not want any. It gets better! It's normal to not fall instantly in love with them, even for the mother. It's a new person in your life and require that you adapt and change a lot of things.

It's not clear from your post what is exactly going on with your wife but postpartum syndrome is a reel thing and may be affecting her.

If you need help reach out to family and friends if that's possible. Depending on where you are in the world you may be able to find local support for new families, or even dad support groups.

Believe it or not, that's not an uncommon feeling. Evolutionary wise, there's no particular reason for the dad to bond with the baby. It's completely dependent on mum. What we get is often a spillover for the drive to get mum to bond.

I was lucky and had that bond kick in quite quickly, but it's ok if it doesn't. Likely it will kick in around 6 months, as the baby becomes more "interesting". Until then, be a good husband.

It's also worth noting that you are entering peak "emergency mode". Right now the baby is completely dependent on you. It hasn't settled down into a routine, and you are running low on sleep. They combine to utterly screw with your head.

The mentality that got me through that zone was this: mum looks after the baby, I look after mum. I made sure she had regular meals. That she had time for a shower. That she could have a coherent night sleep.

Something that might help is to sniff your baby's head. Babies put off powerful pheromones, designed to reinforce the bonds. Unfortunately, not everyone has active pheromone receptors. If you do though, that smell is like crack cocaine.

In short, you're doing well. Baby is safe and cared for, and you're doing your share of that work. Anything else is a bonus.

At three months, my son started smiling. That's when it got way easier. The post partum spouse care can be so hard - especially when there are complications.

Do you have any family (parents, siblings, in laws) you can ask for help? We basically had live in help for the first two months, I don't know if I could have done it without them.

Antidepressants changed my life. Please ask a doctor for the form awe if your qualify

Took me 3 months after birth to even start feeling different. I think men are slower than women with this.

Just to chime in to add to the anecdotal stats. I really didn't feel anything with our firstborn until they were about 6 months old and started to develop a personality and was able to actually interact. I don't think I really felt a bond until like 9 months.

Maybe thats rare, but maybe not. I feel like most guys think they're supposed to feel something magical right away and just say that they do so they don't fell like an asshole explaining that they don't feel a connection right away.

I'm not great at giving advice so I won't but I will share my own experience. Yeah that whole "first moment changes your life" thing is either made up or exaggerated or just highly personal. My son had some minor complications during delivery and came out like Smurf blue. The color, the crying, and the wiggling after he first came out honestly gave me the feeling that he was like some kind of alien (not literally, just that it was off-putting). And I can't say that my first impression of holding him was revelatory.

We're on kid #3 (the last) but my wife will be the first to tell you that the newborn stage is her least favorite. It really is stressful and toilsome. The bad news is that it gets a little harder as they spend more time awake. The good news is you do get some time back in a couple years when they're old enough to understand not to eat literally everything they can put in their mouth. So you've got that to look forward to. The weight of the responsibility never goes away, though.

As for the feelings, I'd say that really kicked in for me once you start to see how much they change and grow. I felt a lot of pride over a lot of the "firsts" that they learned and there's a lot of those in the first year. And as for bonding with them, that also solidified more when they grew enough to start interacting more. I can't help but smile when my youngest crawls over just because he wants to sit in my lap while he drinks his bottle.

So yeah I'd say a lot of what you're feeling seems pretty normal from my perspective and for me it improved as time went on. I wish you the best. It's going to be tough, both as a father and as a husband. But if I had the chance to erase any of it from my life, I wouldn't.

As a fellow dad, the shit is hard. Very much social media make it hard, but there is a general misnomer that having kids is a bundle of joy. It's f'n hard, and no one tells you that. The first is especially hard as you have no reference. Like you when my children were born i did not have an immediate attachment. In fact it felt like a new responsibility/task. And like you i just went through the motions - to survive. But over time "bonding moments" will occur and the power of those moments, over time, will be more than you can imagine. And it may not be the big things like walking or talking but some little thing like him catching a fish, singing one of your songs with you or unintentionally using one of your phrases or mannerisms. Your story has some similarities to mine so a couple suggestions.

• if the baby isn't latching or feeding "normally" encourage your wife not to fight it. The idea that only breast feeding creates this unbreakable bond is horse shit. It's the dynamic you have over the next 25 years that matters. Pump, bottle feed, and take care of yourselves. Like others have said, and its the absolute truth, you have to take care of yourself to be able to take care of him. There is a great book that all parents should read called "Kids Are Assholes", and infants are no different. Your son may be an asshole when it comes to feeding/eating. But he may be awesome in telling his mom he loves her every night.
• Mom's mental health is very important and very complicated. The chemical cocktail her body has been and is providing her is a real "doozy". Provide as much emotional support you can (without sapping yourself) and continue to encourage counseling. These people are experienced in this situation (its your first time through it) and they guide and listen.
• If there is one thing that I hope sticks with you and wish I had done for myself was to talk with a counselor. It is unbelievably helpful to have someone to get stuff off your chest. It's not your broken or can't handle it - its simply having someone to vent to and likely providing you some feedback / perspective that actually makes you feel better about the situation.

Parenting is f'n hard. But there are some rewards along the way that are irreplicable and make your life more fulfilling than it would be otherwise.

First rule of parenthood: You have to want it.

You broke that rule. And yes, it sucks. But it's self inflicted.

The magic of holding your kid and feeling that connection either happens or it doesn't. Don't stress about it. It's normal regardless. It may be triggered by parenthood, but it's a personality trait.

You and your kid are practically strangers stuck with each other. You don't have to like each other, but you have to work together for the years to come. Over time, you'll grow comfortable with the other's presence and quirks. As the parent, you have the leading role, however over time that dynamic will slowly shift.

The point of this challenge you have so carelessly self-inflicted is to grow as a person through it. You don't have to know if you can complete the journey on your own, but whether you can accept your kid as a constant companion and strive to do so together.

You're the dad now. What did your dad do and what can you do better? Can you reach where he climbed or can you surpass him? And in doing so, will you understand him better as the person he was? Finally, what kind of person will you want your son to see in his heart should he ever attempt to make the same journey?

You've started to climb a mountain. It will be tough, there will be mistakes and nobody knows what you'll find along the way if anything, but as you've already noticed, all that waits behind you now is an unpleasant fall into an abyss you'll have to crawl out of eventually. And that will suck a lot more.

Good luck, pops! You're a role model now!

I'm with you dude. it does get better in many ways. it gets worse in some others.

my advice, get medicated for anxiety and/or depression.

it sounds like you're both going through a pretty rough time and need some time to breathe. lean on your support for some time alone with your wife to find your confidence together as a couple.

communicate your needs to each other clearly and respectfully. you both can't do it alone and will need to do this together.

• take each day at a time
• it's ok to put the baby down in the crib and step away for a minute if you're feeling overwhelmed
• share how you're feeling with your wife, you're a team after all
• you will fuck up, accept it, you're human and it comes with the territory
• don't try to be a "super dad/mom", they don't exist and anyone who says otherwise is lying

I can see you have already gotten a lot of good advice, but I'm still going to share my story

For a man, getting a child is boring as fuck the first half a year. That's just how it's. Most mom's essentially gets a head start on bonding with the kid by being pregnant. And its super normal not feeling anything, it just takes time. Just do your best getting as much skin-to-skin contact, I think it helps with the bonding. And its super important for the child, so win-win. If you do it mostly while they're sleeping, you can watch tv, look at your phone. And if you have one of those gaming chairs that recline all the way back, you can even play computer if you're into that.

Then we wanted another kid, and after like half a year my wife got pregnant again, and we're where super glad. But I think a couple of months before the kid came out, I got postpartum depression. And I fucking hated my own kid, I could not stand her. And wanted nothing to do with her. I half remember not wanting anything to do with the baby, but honestly everything is a haze from that period.

In the end, I think after half a year, my wife gave me a ultimatum, either I seek professional help or we breakup and I leave for good. And that was the kicker for me half realising I needed help. Lucky at the time, I was 24 years old. And therapy is free when you're under 25, as we had no money.

I think I went to therapy for a couple of months, and luckily I was slowly getting better.

Now it's about 3 years later, I don't have an inch of depression anymore, and I love my kids more than anything.

Last month we just got our third kid, a now it's way easier bonding with her, because I already know what it entails. But it's still true, it's boring as fuck, she just lays there, and don't do much of anything.

But every month something new happens, and it's gets just a little better.

My other kids are now 3 and 5, and they're the most fun I have ever had with them. I pretend to be s monster and I chase them around, and they running and screaming for their life, while laughing their ass of! it's honestly one of the best feeling and I love it.

But I won't pretend everything is good. We still have to raise them, and it's still hard work everyday! And a lot of time, it's not fun getting angry at your kids, because they straight up just don't listen to you.

All I wanted to say, at first, it just seems like ekstra work and it's! But over the next couple years, when they start becoming an actual human, and you can start playing with them. That's when all the work starts paying off. And Luckily time goes fast when you get kids, almost too fast. And now my oldest is starting school next year, and I already feel like I'm not ready for her to grow up that much!

It will definitely get better, it just takes time, and everything you're feeling, is valid and normal. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise!

And please just ask if you would like to know anything, or want me to elaborate, if I have explained something badly. I wrote everything on mobile, so sry for formatting or spelling mistakes.

I always hated the sound of kids crying and wanted this kid to be different in that respect but I still hate it and my blood starts to boil the longer he cries (again, I'm not going to hurt this kid. I'm not a violent person).

I had similar feelings. There were a few times where I wasn't in a good place emotionally, so I made sure the screaming kid was safe, closed the door, and took five to calm down. Then I opened the door and did what I could to help the baby.

I didn't think I was a person who got angry/frustrated that easily, but yeah, a screaming kid can have that effect.

I feel bad about saying this, and this is more for other people, but don't let other people's expectations push you into having kids. If your partner wanted five kids and you didn't even know if you wanted one, you were incompatible and you should have ended things once you discussed this like responsible adults. Instead you brought someone else into the world who may suffer just so you could try it out.

I'm not saying this to say you're a bad person. Honestly, this wouldn't happen to a bad person probably. You're a good person who let expectations push you into a position you didn't belong.

As others say, you may end up bonding with them later, and that will be great. They won't be a baby forever, and also you're really tired and probably grumpy right now. That's all fair. I hope for your kid that things work out, but for anyone else reading this, if you don't agree on children with your partner, it's time to find someone else. That's a fundamental thing that needs to be the same. It's like if you want to be monogamous but your partner doesn't. That's just not going to work. There are some things that you just need to share or break up. It doesn't make you bad for doing so. Also, yes, it'll hurt and suck, but it's the responsible thing to do.