You and me both brother. I've fumbled it sooo many times. It's pure luck that I've ever had sex.

I don't know if this is good advice generally, but what's worked for me is to find someone as weird as me. Like someone who understands my weirdness because she's just as weird.

My trick was just being direct early about my intentions. Just ask them out on a date, or if you can buy them a drink, or have a kiss, or if they want to go home with you. You'll usually get a pretty clear and unambiguous response. Personally I've never had trouble from being forward - I think as long as you're respectful in asking and accept their answer most reasonable people are understanding. I will say it's a scary tactic at first but you'll quickly realize respectful rejections aren't that big a deal anyway.

Another option is asking friends in shared social circles what they think. Signs are often more obvious from the outside.

Trial and error? Just try it with anyone I think is attractive until I learn what the patterns are? Sounds like a quick way to be seen as That Guy.

Your self-consciousness about this and filters around it are a very strong sign that you really are not That Guy. If you can keep something within an honest and respectful scope, you're not going to be overbearing.

What you have going on here in your head is the Generalized Other: a mental fabrication of some outside person or entity that is observing you or about to judge you for what you do. One way to cut through generalized-other hangups is to reflect on who is going to be objecting to your hypothetical behavior. If you can't name someone in particular, you know it's your mind with a hyperactive sense of shame playing tricks on you.

What's the worst that can happen? Someone says "Oh I don't feel that way but thank you for asking", and you say "You're still cool either way". I've seen people go about doing "rejection therapy" where they make random requests of people just to acclimatize themselves to being rejected, and being less emotionally invested in the outcomes of requests.

Life is trial and error. Be kind, be affirming, and trust yourself.

A lot of people rely on subtext to even conceptualize these interactions, but you aren't remotely shut out by not having access. There's nothing wrong with just asking people what they think of something (and here I don't mean "do you think I'm hot?" but "hey, do you want to do X?") and if they can't give you a straight answer, you're probably better off taking it as a no anyway.

Dating isn't a game of secretly sending codes back and forth about wanting to fuck someone like you're horny intelligence agents (or high schoolers), it's a relationship between two human beings and, like any such relationship, if you don't understand what someone means or what they want, usually the correct thing to do is ask, and if someone is hostile to you even asking, you are better off not dealing with them unless they've got you chained down (e.g. an employer).

As neurodivergents, I'm honestly of the opinion that until you meet someone who just says frankly that they like you, you wouldn't be happy with them anyway. Imagine being in a relationship with someone and you have no idea what they're thinking.

Different people have different love languages, you just need to find someone with a similar love language to you which seems to be direct communication. If you communicate directly you’ll automatically attract people who also do that. I’m saying it like it’s easy but obviously it can be really difficult to find someone you like who also likes you who also has a similar love language.

I think this is pretty normal. The social queues around intimacy are intimidating on so many levels. I think being open on honest about your feelings towards another would benefit you because if it’s received well then you have a path forward with the relationship. If it’s not received well then you don’t need to go on worrying about the what if. Personally I need that definitive aspect, I can’t handle the nuances of flirting and dating.

Does the thought “woah are they in to me?? nahh of course not no way” every go across your brain? If so here’s the secret: you’re not an egomaniac/narcissist, that idea was shoved into your consciousness for a reason.

You say you don’t want to be “that guy” but you already aren’t. Be nicer to yourself!

I find people are almost always a few notches more socially aware than they think they are. It’s easy to stick to the narrative of complete cluelessness when you start observing things that don’t line up with your self image. Now you still might not know what to do in that situation but that’s a whole different thing 😂

Are you hetersexual?

Generally, you’ll know if girls are attracted to you if they don’t avoid you and make themselves available to your attention. They’ll give you every opportunity to talk to them. The more you’re interacting with them ‘organically’ (ie your interactions aren’t mostly just you going out of your way to talk to them) the higher the likelihood they like you