I'm pretending to not be at home.

Get in loser, I'm teaching you to selfhost

I have a cat that refuses to shut up. Ask him anything, he will scream at you. He will only stop if you ask him about Israel. Sometimes.

Almost everyone in this thread is a terrible host, Jesus Christ.

Sorry, OP.

I'll be naked when you get here. I think I have a strip of bacon left and can make some more French Toast.

You're free to look at my door from the outside.

I have two gaming PCs, a Nintendo Switch, PS5, and a Steam Deck. If gaming is not your thing, I am a coffee snob, so I can entertain you with my coffee brewing gear or we can dial in different roasts together.

If even coffee is not your thing, I am also a hobbyist woodworker, so maybe we can build something together.

If all else fails, you can play with my dog, relax in one of my 3 hammocks, mess with my cats, we can go ultralight backpacking, you can play the piano, we can make scented candles or soaps, or I can teach you programming. I also have lots of books!

Welcome to my ADHD life!

Noir movies and mst3k. Although I did get the supernintendo working recently

You have a choice. We can watch Ninja Turtles, read Ninja Turtles, or play Ninja Turtles.

I will show you my cat. After, I'll show pics of my cat. I have some boardgames, if we start to play, the cat will come so we pet him.

We're BBQing! I've got a couple of nice tritips and some some sausages from the local butcher, freshly harvested corn from a local farm, and I'll make some garlic bread. I've got a few beers from my favorite local brewery, an unopened bottle of eagle rare 10 year, and can break out a couple of nice cigars if you're in to that.

The temperature on my back patio is a nice, comfortable 77f with low humidity and just enough of a breeze.

You can watch me practice and fuck up the same riff for 3 hours straight if you want

Why should I entertain you?

Gotchu Bro/Sister:

Wife's already got Fellowship of the Ring Extended (of COURSE) ultraHD in the player.

I'll pop us some popcorn, and gladly point out all the fun trivia, like how when Aragorn kicks the helmet in Two Towers it was so legit because the actor ACTUALLY BROKE HIS TOE.

Why did I mention Two Towers when Fellowship is in the player? Heh. . .you didn't think we were stopping after Fellowship, did you?

The doors are already locked and planned bathroom / snack retrieval breaks are posted on the wall.

Open door. Spritz you with honey and throw a handful of glitter to mark you. Then tell you to: "Get lost, no strangers at this party."

id try to suck your dick immediately

No

I'm home now, but if someone is going to give me a 10 minute warning, I won't be when they get here.

Your premise falsely assumes I'll even let you in when you show up uninvited.

I can teach you how to swing a sword

That depends. Are you male or female?

cry at you because I had a dream where I was social and like attached to people and felt like I belonged for once but I was dragged away from them by my family and was really upset but they just turned out to just be dream people. and the whole scenario was made up and I never belonged with anybody

i'm gonna infect you with covid stay away

Jokes on you even if I leave now. I'll be at home in 20 mins.

I'll show you how to install Archlinux