Hahaha, how has the onion managed to stay so good for so long.

In moments of turmoil such as this, some believe it is the responsibility of a newspaper of record like The Onion to delve fully into the nuances of a complex and multifaceted conflict that stretches back not just decades but centuries. These people are wrong.

Amen

“Our stance becomes increasingly compelling when one considers some alternative scenarios. For instance, The Onion could theoretically say that it stands in solidarity with the bombing victims in Gaza. What would happen then? People would get mad at us. They could threaten our careers. How about if we said we believe the loss of innocent life is wrong no matter what the nationality? That would also result in people getting mad at us. Sometimes these would be different people getting mad, but that doesn’t really change things on our end. And most significantly, it could hurt our quarterly revenue, which is the worst tragedy imaginable.

For those reasons, and many more, we are not going to be endorsing any of those perspectives. Instead, the stance of standing unwaveringly with Israel, now and forever, seems to really be the sweet spot for those looking to avoid dealing with all of this shit.”

Holy fuck this is brilliant…

“Perhaps some would call on us to point out the obvious moral hypocrisy of those far-left Americans who bandy about terms like “war criminal” while turning a blind eye to what amounts to an unconscionable war crime on the part of Hamas. But we are also not going to do that. Why? Because people will get angry with us—extremely irritating people, to be clear—and we just don’t want to deal with it.”

Ah yes, the tankies. There are even reports of them doing the same thing but for throwing around “imperialism” while turning a blind eye to Russian expansionism not only in Ukraine, but also often fantasizing about coming for Alaska next. (But knowing tankies I wouldn’t at all put it past them to support an invasion of “the imperial coreTM” to own the “ameritardsTM”)

See also: https://www.theonion.com/dying-gazans-criticized-for-not-using-last-words-to-con-1850925657

Its funny written but the reading between the lines makes a statement and thats a good one.

They're really getting comfortable with the new normal. Now that Trump is actually out of office they probably don't feel so stepped on. Joe Biden refusing to suggest drinking bleach as a disease treatment leaves you some room to work, you know? I guess we're standing with Israel but way off to the side and minding my business about it.