Here's a better tip: Find a partner you don't feel the need to keep huge secrets from.
Impossible. That perfect partner could turn darkside on you years into marriage.
Most people who marry think they found the perfect partner, but the divorce rates say otherwise.
You've clearly never been married and have no idea what you're talking about. Hiding secrets and saying it's impossible not to is the most destructive thing you could do to your marriage. On top of all, hiding assets from a spouse during a divorce amounts to contempt of court and carries a penalty and additional legal battles and expenses. Please don't recommend anyone to do it.
I'm just going to assume you (as I am) are a man. For women, this is a very real concern, and is still a somewhat common issue. I know two women if my family who were married for 10+ years before their partners had a sudden, violent change. For one of them their partner managed to empty all of their savings, and leave the country. She literally had to couch surf at 50 because she had nothing, and hadn't kept her own savings.
So...divorce them?
There is nothing wrong with keeping separate bank accounts but it's shady as fuck to keep a secret one. If you feel the need to do that, you don't trust them so you're clearly not in the right relationship
Divorce rates are weird to me because they take the number of marriages in one year and the number of divorces and say the divorce rate is a percentage of marriages from that year.
But divorced folks could have been married any length of time, so it's not like half of the marriages in that specific year ended in divorce.
I'd say the one with the secret bank account is the one who's turned "darkside". What's worse, this is happening even before the marriage. Wonderful way to start a life together.
How do you know they didn't turn to the dark side because of the secrets
Ah yes. Secrets. The proper way to have a loving marriage.
No wait. That's the proper way to be unhappy and get a divorce or a loveless marriage.
Back in grandma's day (in the US at least) women were financially trapped in their marriages by a system that wouldn't allow them to get credit cards or open bank accounts without their husband's permission, even if they worked. Having a small stash allows a person to choose to be in a marriage, not be forced.
It's outdated advice but it comes from a good place.
Yup. My great grandma always had funds hidden somewhere. Cash, of course, because she couldn't legally open a bank account (plus a lot of this happened during the Depression). She couldn't just leave because a) marital rape is a thing and she had a whole bunch of kids and b) you just didn't really do that back then. But her stash made sure the kids ate and had clothes even when grandpa was being more of a pos than usual. It was just sensible.
Plus, it's still good advice for women in abusive relationships, so that when they're ready to leave, they at least have something.
Thanks for adding this context. It's important to remember. If your partner is financially irresponsible and will spend all your joint account money whether they should or not, back up accounts are the only answer.
My Grandma was still scarred from the Great Depression when I was growing up so always ingrained a bunch of weird rules into me. I still have money tucked in my shoe when I go out. She said to have a dollar bill in there at all times but with inflation I switched it to a 20. Can’t say I’ve had to leverage my “shoe money” since most places take cards but it has come in handy a few times across the past 30 years.
The secret account is not for hiding money during a divorce. It is for fleeing or paying for expenses while going through the divorce.
It is common for one spouse, or the other, to empty all accounts in the lead up to the divorce. It does not matter how right you are when you cannot buy your kids food.
This is advice from an 85 year old. She has seen soon shit.
A couple thousand in an "oh shit" account is rational.
This is not appreciated though if money is tight.
A neat detail here is that there's no rule here that the account needs to be literally secret. You can tell your spouse you have a private account and you'll put a couple hundred in out of your paycheck. A spouse in a healthy relationship should reply "sure, I'll do the same." It's nice to have for holidays and secret presents too.
Oddly/interestingly, the concept of a dowry in Islam is to ensure the wife has access to some sort of funding in case the marriage ends
It doesn't even need to be a secret account, def see it being a hella good litmus test, too; check whether someone's "I love you" means "no matter what, right now I want the best for you" or "I want to own you"
guys like that are... just no
Having separate accounts for personal stuff is just wise financing, but feeling the need to even make a secret account should tell you where that's headed.
My grandfather had an account he never told my grandmother about, then he got dementia and couldn't remember he had the account, years later after he died we found out about it, and we found out that he'd invested in a lot of successful companies over the decades, and had made a substantial amount of money.
If my grandmother had known about the account he would have had vastly better care than we were actually able to afford.
I also think it's rather ironic that he would have had a better life if he had just been a bit more open with his finances.
Growing up they always had crap cars they were always falling apart and Mr Frugal was sitting on a life-changing amount of money.
Says someone who's never been through divorce.
Says someone who’s never been through divorce.
I like this comment greatly, because it can be interpreted in multiple ways.
Siphoning your money into a secret account before a divorce is a great way to lose all of that money and possibly face criminal charges. But, it depends on the state, really.
Doing it as an attempted fraudulent report of finances, yes. Having it as a personal, non-joint account for years prior is not fraudulent at all, yet keeps said divorcee-to-be from all manner of technically legal shenanigans.
Yeah. Context matters. In Grandma's time, women had much less agency and legal recourse, often needing significant physical abuse for divorce to be legally accepted. It would be sound advice for that context.
In the context of modern times, I was happy when my spouse got her own account because it was a big step forward in independence but if she had opened secret ones, there would be an issue and we'd be going to marriage counseling ASAP because of the breach of trust. Our marriage is a cooperative partnership, not a competition and I'd never stay in a marriage with someone that I could not trust.
In the context of modern times, women are six times more likely to be abandoned by their spouse after receiving a devastating medical diagnosis like cancer than men are.
Yeah. But what does this have to do with the topic? Women can have their own bank account, just don't hide it.
This is true. The fight for equality is NOT over, regardless of how some may like to pretend. Women are still much better off than a century ago in terms of agency over their financial interests (usually - see: Brittany Spears).
Wtf is with these comments? I personally think every participant in a relationship should have their own bank account. My wife and I have our own personal accounts, as well as a shared account for bills. Our kids will also have their own accounts.
Doesn't matter how strong you think your "bond" is. Y'all going to ignore historical data on divorce rates because "omg they're the one forever!"?
Having worked at a law firm as their IT person, that shit is extra messy. Not to mention all the abuse from people who dangle money as a way to them to stay together. Or the flip side, one person emptying out an account because fuck you.
It's not about trust. It's about financial responsibility.
It's not about having your own account, it's about hiding it.
None of the personal accounts in your family sound hidden (unless you don't know about them 😂).
The comments here are objecting to the secrecy, not the account.
Divorce doesn’t protect your personal bank account. That money doesn’t suddenly becomes yours. When splitting assets, personal accounts and even safety deposit boxes are included (unless a prenup arrangement).
And the “secret” part is the problem. Seems to me grandma isn't advising her to have a personal bank account like everyone; she wants her to have a bank account the husband doesn’t know about. There’s a difference.
The comments I've seen only say not to keep it a secret. I agree everyone should have a personal bank account and I would assume my partner has one
I mean that sounds good but hiding assets is generally a negative in divorce or separation.
ITT: Men and Women talk past each other with different understandings of the situation.
What the fuck, that's mad weird
The wise way is to tell your partner Grandma says it's important to have separate bank accounts, as my MIL said to me, and my husband agreed. We have had them for 30 years together. Sometimes it's been handy that one side has a better credit rating at that moment.
But if your partner objects, or tries to sabotage it in any way, that's a huge red flag for gaslighting and abuse. So it's time to make that secret account and start taking steps to escape safely. Granny may well have already seen the signs you're too in love to see.
What an asshole grandma.
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