Like others said, you did fine. Make yourself safe, report it, call security if required, but also understand that when people are under extreme duress such as the death of a loved one, they want to blame anyone and anything.

People have a really hard time coping with the fact that people often die without reason, unceremoniously, to such a degree that they feel they have been wronged by something or someone, even if there isn't anything to blame.

When this happens they may pick something they perceive as being in proximity to the event to blame to try to make sense of it. It might be disease, the equipment, the medication, a family member, or in this case yourself.

You deal with this by knowing the facts of what happened, and knowing you did your best and aren't to blame, and by understanding that people lash out when they are upset.

Nothing you could have said would have helped the situation with this person in their state, so saying nothing and leaving to de-escalate the situation is 100% the best thing you could have done.

I'm deeply sorry you had that experience. That has got to be deeply traumatic and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. Thank you for what you do. Be gentle with your self.

Most nurses, doctors, and paramedics have to deal with this at some point. Sounds like you did fine, but also consider talking to your coworkers, since they've probably experienced something like that too

Get yourself to a safe place they can't access and from there call security to remove them from the hospital?

I get the sense that this isn't a hypothetical

Don’t engage. Make sure you are the closest to the door and not in grabbing distance. Remove yourself from the situation. Implement whatever response system your hospital has for threats of personal violence. Acknowledge that grieving people are not rational people while understanding that this does not give them an excuse to berate you. Call an airstrike on your position.

Former Paramedic here. You're fortunate this is your first experience like this. It's not a fun position to be in nor is it rare unfortunately.

I’m sorry you experienced that. That is horrible and should never be your problem as a nurse. Security should have been there for you.

You did nothing wrong. In fact, your body responded in the best way possible for your safety. Staying still is a stress response, and while it was horrible to endure, your body chose it because it was likely to keep you safe until your adrenaline dropped and you could think rationally again. Had you run, or fought, or tried to explain yourself the situation would have likely escalated.

I know in hindsight it feels like maybe if you had done “something else” or something different, things would have changed, but you have no control over that other person and it sounds like grief was taking the reins for them. It wasn’t about you, it was about losing their family member, and you were the quickest target for that aggression. There was nothing you could have done to change that outcome, and I think your body made the safest choice of also doing nothing.

Systematically, you shouldn’t have to endure that ever. Workplace harassment and violence is a big deal and healthcare workers deserve better.

As for me, I would have balled my eyes out and panicked and ran cause I can’t tolerate that level of stress, and it probably would have escalated or got violent.

At some point I stopped listening to him

Excellent. Sometimes, you are simply the person available for them to scream at. In situations such as that, pretending to listen without listening represents a useful strategy.

I hope you can make it past this incident soon. Time means distance means peace.

Do not engage

Sometimes clients have mental health issues. Nothing you can do except try not to take it personally.

Leaving without saying a word is the best thing you can do. This will be far from the last time. It’s stupid how much abuse nurses take, and are expected to take. Sadly, the hospital is not there for you, they are there for the paying “customers” no matter how much they say abuse isn’t tolerated.

Also know if someone yells that they’re going to sue, they’re more than likely bluffing — the real lawsuits happen quietly and without announcement. Make sure you always document everything, no matter how trivial, and cover your ass. The chart is where management will go first.

Source: spouse worked in an ICU during Covid.

In an adjacent field.

So…in those instances I do what you did. I don’t really let it in…I take notes of it like it’s not happening to me at all in my head. Then I report. I put it in its little box of “work bullshit” and leave it there. It gets easier with years imo.

What you have to exercise caution with is unsupportive admin. In that case I advise not putting your license on the line for their convenience.

I'd raise my hand to the person, showing its six fingers.

You did the right thing, the person was angry with no real outlet for it, so their brain found someone to blame to release that tension. They were not thinking rationally and attempts to argue would have been stonewalled and probably would have escalated things.

This is not a justification for their behaviour, it was despicable and wrong. More so my opinion of why anything other than what you did was correct.

I’m really sorry.

Sounds emotionally exhausting, but you did the right thing, reporting the incident. I hope your admin / boss support you and you don’t have to see the relative again.