The horrors persist, but so do i.

Sometimes I ignore the question and just move on in conversation. Most people don't even notice because they're asking out of habit, not to actually ask you how you're doing.

"Great!"

"Alright, you?"

"Living the dream."

"Another day in paradise."

"One day closer to death."

Depending on my mood

I'm here is an answer. If you deflect you also get your point across.

Really though, it depends entirely on the person. With my partner I will try to give the most complete answer I can, with friends and coworkers it depends on how close our relationship is. With strangers it may be a completely perfunctory answer to a completely perfunctory question, especially if I'm not up for defending a non-perfunctory answer, but I like to keep my answers real when I have the spoons for it.

In German, we say "shitty would be bragging".

I find this question quite fascinating: Culturally, there are countries where this gets asked indeed as a form of greeting, not a genuine question.

In Slavic countries, I feel like if you get asked this question, it's generally considered to be of genuine interest, and you'll get a genuine reply. Nothing offensive or informal about saying "Things are bad." or "I feel bad.", or any variant of such.

This might be my perception however, and feel free to correct me. I myself think that if someone asks how I'm doing, I have no need or responsibility to "remain positive/pleasant".

“Eh, been better.”

I feel like that response is real without oversharing, and invites someone to respond however they want. If they care, they can ask what’s up, or they can just say, “aw bummer man, hope it gets better for you,” or whatever.

“I’m alright” seems like the universal way to say “I’m not alright”

Depending on the person:
"Not great tbh."
"Pretty fucking bad. lol"
"NOT GREAT MY DUDE, NOT GREAT"

just say "Life,,, ya know" If they are only being polite they'll answer "for sure" and thats it.
If they really care and want to know theyll ask more and then you can go into more detail.

Brought to you by "protocols autistic people have to memorize" lol that being me

"Its going" gets the message across. Kind of shit, but time passes.

@Bougie_Birdie "I'm awake" is what I go for when I'm not being recorded, "Not too bad" when I am. I have heard that "Living the dream" is White Man for "Push me off of the roof. We can make it look like an accident."

“Could be worse” assuming it can be worse (and it probably can)

“Well enough” if you want to be genuine, but brief and convey that things are not aces.

But usually just mirroring “How are you!” in the same tone as the first part of the greeting establishes that it is a ritual, not a question.

"Hangin' in there" is what I generally use when I'm not fine but I know it's just a greeting. It conveys that things are less than fine, but not by how much, and that I'm still functioning.

Some other, more flippant ones: "As well as can be expected", a shrug and a "meh", "Too early to tell" (if it's first thing in the morning / just arriving to work), "Sitting up and taking nourishment", etc.

You can even skip answering at all, and move directly to the response greeting, "Hey, how are you?"

"Eh, tired.", usually.

People tend to get it. They're probably tired too.

-- Frost

Took me years to realize that the "correct" reply is to ask the same question back, not answering.

But my go-to phrase when having just gotten out of bed, headed for my shift was "too early to tell"

"Fine. As always. And you?"

Like you said, that is not the kind of question someone asks to get any kind of personal/intimate answer, it's merely a way to be polite.

"up and not crying"

...that is, if I'm not crying.

"Never better"

laughs manically

then just suddenly emotionless...

“Better now that the voices have finally sto… ah dammit.”

My goto is "Every day is better than the next."

“How ya doing?”

“Doing my best.”

"Good, you?"

Not dead yet

"I'm awake."

“Ok”

"I've been better. But I've been worse."

I like to use lines from Country + Western songs.

"I'm another day older and deeper in debt." 16 Tons.

"I killed a man in Reno, just to see him die.' "Folsom Prison Blues.'

You get the idea.

I'm awake, but I'd rather not be.

Treat it non-literally. Say 'How's it going?' which turns it into a greeting rather than a question.

"I'm here"

People don't talk to me much.

Just yeah, not bad like the rest of us do.

"I am vertical."

"Not too bad."

"I'm not sure"

It's rarely all bad. Then that would be simply the answer. The problem is that it's often complicated (not the emotional capacity of a teaspoon, for those who get that reference) and idk how to summarise that into a single feeling so I literally don't know what the answer is and so that's when you get an idk from me

If it's just a pleasantry by some english person (in my language this isn't a standard question a stranger or customer support will ask you) then I'll probably pick a random euphemism

From Germans I've learned that they say "muss", meaning must. Like, you must get on with life but not because you seek out what you're going through but because life doesn't stop. At least that's my working understanding of this deceptively simple word

“I’ve been better” is my go to

"Let me get back to you on that..."

In Finnish we have a phrase "ei kurjuutta kummempaa" which is said in a happy, jolly way and its usually accepted as "not great but I don't want to expand on it." It translates to "nothing worse than misery."

"breathing" or "alive"

To which they normally say: "better than the alternative!"

And my final reply to that is: "some days."

"As always." is an old favorite of mine. They'll assume things are neither particularly good nor bad, when what you mean is that you always feel bad.