My ex said that pretty often. She just wanted to go home and home was nowhere.

She was diagnosed with BPD, and oh boy was life a roller coaster for the last few years of our time together.

I won’t go into a big spiel about everything I went through, but I need to tell you this.

She was miserable. For all of the years we were together, she was miserable. I found out that she cheated multiple times and then I’d be her favorite person again and everything would calm down and go back to normal. She left me at least once a year, but she’d come back and try to work it out.

She never got her drivers license (in a rural place a person is entirely dependent on other people without it). She’d make a plan and then say she didn’t feel like it and I’d just enable her to lay there because I understood not feeling like it. I like my routine, I don’t like to break it.

From my point of view she was helpless and from her point of view she was a burden and a curse.

When our relationship ended, she met a man who wouldn’t just enable her to lay there. He said, “Bullshit, get up, get ready. You’re driving.” She got her license, she got a house, she got everything she wanted. When it seemed like everything was going great, she was diagnosed with cancer and dead within two years.

She spent most of her life with the wrong person and that directly contributed to her misery.

It wasn’t easy for us to split. When I found someone else, she went nuts and got committed by her mom after she pulled all of her hair out and beat her head into a wall.

I didn’t know just how badly people can negatively influence and impact each other until we split and got around people who have influenced and impacted us positively. I thought we were both just helplessly childish and lazy.

My point is that life is short. It ain’t special. We ain’t special. The problems we have are often right in front of us and we don’t see them. It’s impossible to think about how things could be if this or that change were made where and when. We can speculate, but we can’t know and that makes us terrified to move when we should be moving. Big moves are also traumatic for everyone involved and sometimes it seems impossible because we don’t want to cause or feel pain.

I know it isn’t simple, but I also know that home is out there.

My ex was strange. Sometimes she’d miss me and send me a message full of understanding and she’d talk about the growth she’s experienced, and sometimes she’d message me to remind me that I was the source of all of her misery.

The results though, what I could tangibly see, were bigger than the trauma and bigger than our feelings.

We went from being children who slept until 1PM so that we could avoid our lives and other people to getting up and getting shit done. We crippled each other. She didn’t get to keep what she’d achieved for herself for very long.

Make the changes you need to make sooner rather than later. Meet the people who will lift you up sooner rather than later.

I know it’s hard. I probably couldn’t have done it without being forced.

I don’t know. I’ve lost the point now but, if you read this far hopefully you got something you can use. If not, I’m sorry if I depressed you further.

And I said I wasn’t going into a spiel.

I could write a 10,000 page book about all that though. I’ll never go a day without crying just a little. It was a lot, and we should have split a lot sooner.

I’m not saying to put blame on the people in your life. They’re just as lost in this world as you are. I’m just saying that sometimes you just gotta go because things aren’t working for anyone involved.

Take care.