684

spaf @spaf

Every vendor booth at RSA this year: Powered by world-class Al with a proprietary language model, our product offers unbelievably agile, next-gen threat intelligence-based risk management in the dark net on a quantum containerized blockchain employing breathtakingly advanced data science. Built to be compatible with your SIEM & cloud, its zero-trust architecture is programmed in a memory-safe language with no supply chain to monitor!

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[-] henfredemars@infosec.pub 103 points 2 years ago

Literally no supply chain.

As in, we don’t have a product yet, but we’re working on it!

[-] homesweethomeMrL@lemmy.world 99 points 2 years ago

Hey I know, what if we let Sales set the direction of the company?? They get us money, right? It’s jenius!

That’ll show those surly waaah-i-wanna-work-from-home engineer people!

More colored charts! Add AI to the printer toner! I read a business book once!

[-] SturgiesYrFase@lemmy.ml 27 points 2 years ago
[-] conditional_soup@lemm.ee 10 points 2 years ago* (last edited 2 years ago)

This is the most injeanious comment I've read in a long time.

[-] SturgiesYrFase@lemmy.ml 8 points 2 years ago

Can't help it my dude, must be in my jeanetics....Still, I shot my shot, and my argument stands.

[-] Napain@lemmy.ml 4 points 2 years ago
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[-] zik@lemmy.world 6 points 2 years ago* (last edited 2 years ago)

I once worked for a company which did exactly that - they put the marketing people in charge. It may surprise you to hear that they went from being a large organisation to going bust within a few years.

[-] homesweethomeMrL@lemmy.world 3 points 2 years ago

I’m pretty sure every organization is under some kind of siege by their versions of sales and marketing. In better days those voices get balanced or bested by smarter heads. In worse days, they don’t, marketing takes over and the company is sold for scrap two years later.

[-] bort@sopuli.xyz 55 points 2 years ago

its zero-trust architecture is programmed in a memory-safe language with no supply chain to monitor!

this is good.

[-] Hasherm0n@lemmy.world 29 points 2 years ago

They're fully vertically integrated from the silicone through the compiler, os, and all software running.

[-] Fermion@mander.xyz 31 points 2 years ago

Silicone? I suppose even sex toys need proper security these days.

[-] BingBong@sh.itjust.works 12 points 2 years ago

To be fair smart connected chastity cages did get hacked recently so their owners couldn't get them off.

[-] Randelung@lemmy.world 8 points 2 years ago

And some of them did get off on that.

[-] Hasherm0n@lemmy.world 9 points 2 years ago

Ah shit, serves me right for posting off the cuff...

Though that is also a thing.

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[-] MycelialMass@lemmy.world 15 points 2 years ago

And it comes with a free gogurt!

[-] msage@programming.dev 5 points 2 years ago

I mean isn't it the only part that actually makes sense?

[-] MotoAsh@lemmy.world 11 points 2 years ago

The others make sense if you drop the extra extra buzz words. Like quantum. Containers exist, the block chain exists, I wouldn't be surprised if some idiot combined those. Though quantum computing ... is not related to normal computing.

[-] Honytawk@lemmy.zip 53 points 2 years ago
[-] achance4cheese@sh.itjust.works 17 points 2 years ago

Ah yes, I love tech jargon overload

[-] BowtiesAreCool@lemmy.world 27 points 2 years ago

Fun fact, the whole thing is actually a science/engineering injoke that’s been going for decades. Look up Turbo Encabulator

[-] nilloc@discuss.tchncs.de 5 points 2 years ago

Kinda miss VXJunkies now and then. Mostly then though.

[-] crawancon@lemm.ee 38 points 2 years ago

wow that is an impressively triggering paragraph.

though I should get spaf to write my résumé

[-] slazer2au@lemmy.world 36 points 2 years ago

Due to your product not being turnkey I am unable to get management buy-in.

[-] bionicjoey@lemmy.ca 18 points 2 years ago

Also no single pane of glass. What is this, amateur hour?

[-] foofiepie@lemmy.world 6 points 2 years ago

And no ‘single push of a button’, the filthy casuals.

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[-] DerArzt@lemmy.world 35 points 2 years ago

I would like one security please.

[-] Anticorp@lemmy.world 12 points 2 years ago

Sorry, the least I can sell you is four on a subscription.

[-] elxeno@lemm.ee 35 points 2 years ago
[-] Alexstarfire@lemmy.world 11 points 2 years ago

Well, a brick is technically unhackable.

[-] Blue_Morpho@lemmy.world 24 points 2 years ago

At least "fuzzy logic" is now a long dead buzzword.

[-] fruitycoder@sh.itjust.works 3 points 2 years ago* (last edited 2 years ago)

But my rice cooker uses fuzzy logic to better cook the rice /s

I mean its not totally useless jargon but it made me laugh

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[-] NikkiDimes@lemmy.world 22 points 2 years ago
[-] lemmyreader@lemmy.ml 20 points 2 years ago

The future is ~~bleak~~ bright!

[-] ObviouslyNotBanana@lemmy.world 13 points 2 years ago

Just ~~peachy~~ bleachy!

[-] dojan@lemmy.world 3 points 2 years ago
[-] 42yeah@lemm.ee 8 points 2 years ago
[-] ZombieMantis@lemmy.world 9 points 2 years ago

It's bullshitese, specifically.

[-] Mango@lemmy.world 4 points 2 years ago

Nice. I'll take two.

[-] NoiseColor@startrek.website 3 points 2 years ago

This hits too close...

[-] GraniteM@lemmy.world 3 points 2 years ago
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this post was submitted on 16 Apr 2024
684 points (98.3% liked)

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