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I think the HVAC maintenance guy just destroyed my relationship (sopuli.xyz)
submitted 10 months ago* (last edited 10 months ago) by Blu@sopuli.xyz to c/relationship_advice@lemmy.world
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Edit: Last night she attempted suicide. I was in the living room while she was showering. She got out of the shower, went to the bedroom, and about 10 minutes later I heard her call my name. She was holding a large handful of her medicine in one hand, and the bottle in the other. She told me she almost took it, but decided to get help instead. Suffice to say, both of us are dealing with a lot right now. She asked me not to tell anyone, but I am trying to persuade her to get mental healthcare.

So yesterday morning, while my girlfriend and I were sleeping in our new apartment, we heard some rustling at the door. This was around 8 AM or so. I heard him call out "maintenance" very faintly from the other side of the door.

I was partially awake and called out to the guy after glancing my gf's way in a "is this guy for real?" look.

Guy apologized and left the apartment after he heard me. At the time, she said she was "glad I was there".

I spoke to him later and he apologized profusely and said he wasn't aware someone had moved in already. I figured that would be the end of it. No harm, no foul.

Last night, my girlfriend informed me that I didn't handle that correctly. She said her dad would've been up and ready to fight the guy, and that by glancing her way I must've been asking her to protect me.

Despite us discussing a proposal now that we're 2 years in, she let me know she doesn't think I should "this year, but that she may change her mind".

I'm honestly baffled. Was I supposed to shoot the maintenance man or something?

It has me reconsidering the relationship. One perceived mistake--that I honestly think I handled fine--and she's putting our plans on ice.

She's been mean leading up to this. She blames her cycle (and apologizes each time), but it's a pretty extreme mood shift for a few days each month. So part of me wonders if these 2 things are related, and she'll regret saying that to me. Another part wonders if I should forgive her in the first place.

What do y'all think? How big of a mess am I in?

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[-] TheBananaKing@lemmy.world 2 points 10 months ago

Reading this thread variously - honestly, your relationship sounds exhausting.

It's taking more from you than it's giving back. Regular blowups followed by patch-ups that leave you back where you started, with nothing but fallout and pain to show for it.

She fucks up, but is simultaneously too fragile and yet too able to hold you hostage to be held accountable; somehow you're the one that has to earn your way back into her good graces, and you dare not upset the apple art by trying to change the dynamic or, god forbid, assert some boundaries along the way.

Rinse and repeat until it leaches the calcium right out of your damn bones.

Look, I get it. Anxiety disorders are no fun, mental illness isn't the fault of the person who has it, and I have no doubt that she's a wonderful person overall.

But you're not getting paid for this. You're not her carer, you're not her parent, it's not your job to clean up after her your whole life.

Would you take on that role for someone with stabyouintheface-itis, a condition that caused an otherwise lovely person to stab you in the face every month or two, entirely outside of their control or intent?

Hard pass, am I right? Not their fault, but not your job, so no. The impact of this one is lesser, but the principle is the same.

And yes, people can change and adapt and do better. Supposedly, at least - I haven't seen it myself.

In the meantime, you deserve better things in your life than just pissing it away down someone else's crazyhole.

Be by yourself, or be with someone who doesn't take all your emotional resources just to break even. If your gf eventually manages to turn it around and get in better control of it, such that you can both benefit from the relationship, then great.

But until then, it's just wearing you down and not filling her up. With the best will in the world towards her, you should go elsewhere.

[-] Blu@sopuli.xyz 0 points 10 months ago

I thought you were really insightful and I just wanted to give you an update because, if I was lost before, I'm really fucking lost now.

Last night she attempted suicide. I am reading these from my couch while we sort out what the fuck to do.

She went to the bedroom while I was reading on the couch around 8:30 after she took a shower. Within 5-10 minutes she called my name. I came in and she had a bottle.of her pills in one hand, and enough of them to kill a horse in the other.

She was shaking, but pretty numb when I gently took the bottle and pills out of her hands and held her. It took probably another 15-20 minutes for her to say anything else. Then she started sobbing.

This is the first time I've witnessed a suicide attempt, so I'm shaken up.

Anyway, thank you for the advice. It was thought provoking and I'm going to pick my way through it while I cope.

[-] Technoguyfication@sh.itjust.works 1 points 10 months ago

Brother, I’m sorry to say but I think you need to get out of that situation. Right now. I’ve been in a relationship like that and it never ends well.

[-] Agent641@lemmy.world 1 points 10 months ago

She wants out, and is using this as an excuse to drive a wedge.

[-] BigTrout75@lemmy.world 1 points 10 months ago

Hey, from one married person. This behavior probably won't change. Should ask yourself if "This is it?". Not saying to leave just saying to consider if your can handle the ups and downs. Best of luck.

[-] riodoro1@lemmy.world 1 points 10 months ago

she doesn't think I should "this year, but that she may change her mind".

Wow, she’s so generous, she might still LET you propose to her. Life and relationship is never about one person fulfilling a role for another. She basically wants you to be a knight to her princess. You can’t ever have needs or fears of your own, because she simply is higher up in this relationship. You need to EARN her love.

You don’t want to deal with an entitled person everyday, thats called retail work and people don’t like it.

[-] someguy3@lemmy.world 0 points 10 months ago* (last edited 10 months ago)

I'm a little baffled that after hearing "maintenance" that she expects you to be in fight mode. Granted it could be a ruse, but really?

So I have to ask, is she always in this mode that everything everywhere is a threat and danger? If so I think she needs therapy.

[-] Blu@sopuli.xyz 0 points 10 months ago

She grew up in a dangerous environment. In a lot of ways, she's always in fight or flight mode. Usually fight.

It's something she is getting treated for. She's on an anxiety med and visits a therapist once a month, but between that and a very stressful job, she's worn down.

It's a really complex situation all around and I don't know of a straightforward way to deal with it.

[-] Landmammals@lemmy.world 1 points 10 months ago

Approaching every situation in "fight mode" is often what turns mundane interactions dangerous.

She needs to realize the value of being able to keep a level head and assess situations.

[-] Chriswild@lemmy.world -1 points 10 months ago

Or she needs a dog to feel safe not this toxic masculinity shit. Men aren't your eternal protector, they're people who can be scared or confused.

[-] someguy3@lemmy.world -1 points 10 months ago

Well there you go. People online are quick to say breakup but I'm not. I think this is a learning experience for her, and for you a bit on her mindset. She needs to get her fears under some control. But it can be hardwired so sometimes we have to play along and stand between her and strangers so she feels safe (but still unpack it later).

[-] Pandantic@midwest.social 0 points 10 months ago* (last edited 10 months ago)

I would say did you have a leveled and rational conversation about this incident? I think her understanding your perspective, your upbringing vs hers, and her self-identifyed baggage, you could come out of this stronger and with a deeper understanding of each other. Re: those who say “holding the engagement over his head” - isn’t it perfectly reasonable to express hesitation in a relationship when you are unsure of its future? Seems to me she doesn’t know if she can get over this thing. She is re-evaluating. Now a good discussion could put that to rest, but it could also lead to the opposite, so truth or compromise?

[-] mosiacmango@lemm.ee 2 points 10 months ago* (last edited 10 months ago)

"Dont propose this year, but I may change my mind" is pure "have cake and want to eat cake."

That's a weapon right there. It's a statement that says "because of your actions, you have put your place in our relationship in jeopardy. You can now earn your place back if you please me." You make statements like that to end a relationship, or to control someone, as those are the only two places you can go from there. That is not a somewhere OP wants to be.

The only, only case the above would be anything but emotional blackmail is if she said the first bit, realized it was a relationship ender, then was chagrined and immediately tried to walk it back. That doesnt seem like the case based on OPs wording, but maybe he can clarifying.

[-] highenergyphysics@lemmy.world -1 points 10 months ago

Look, king. You are not responsible for her mental illnesses the same way nobody else is responsible for any of ours.

That being said, yes you really should be ready to shoot something trying to enter your house without your consent. That is not an idea incompatible with de-escalation.

this post was submitted on 17 Jan 2024
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