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I know this is probably a shitposting meme. And my wife and my female friend, when I asked them, both laughed and said, "Yeah all the time." I can't tell if it's sarcasm.

I asked this because Im a guy, and we've heard it all before. The guy plowing a warm apple pie. The ookie cookie BS. The jerk off with a sock. Dudes have done some weird things. I absolutely have found myself relieving some stress in interesting ways.

But veggies: Is this a common thing? Am I going to have to worry that my daughter, when she reaches a curious age, starts exploring with vegetables?

During puberty, should I start giving my children Amazon gift cards or no questions ask money to protect my produce?

I am aware this question is ridiculous and I am prepared to be ridiculed.

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[-] DaGeek247@fedia.io 212 points 3 months ago

Take their 'joke' seriously and buy them each their own vibrator/dildo combo. Be really serious about the whole thing; explain what they are, what they're for, everything.

This way, if they weren't joking, your veggies are safe. If they were joking, you have just completely topped their joke with your own.

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[-] someguy3@lemmy.world 158 points 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago)

Hope she washed it off well before putting it back in the fridge. So I doubt the post is real. As for the rest I'll have to leave it to women to answer. But if you ever find your cucumber in the garbage, just leave it there.

[-] ByteOnBikes@slrpnk.net 28 points 3 months ago

Understood and thank you for your wisdom.

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[-] PM_ME_VINTAGE_30S@lemmy.sdf.org 91 points 3 months ago

Solution: simply cover your most phallic groceries with condoms, then dispose the condoms before eating.

[-] Mothra@mander.xyz 53 points 3 months ago

Yeah that lube in the condoms 👌 chef's kiss

[-] Lemminary@lemmy.world 29 points 3 months ago

That's why I buy the flavored ones. The strawberry-flavored side salad is absolutely yums!

[-] I_Fart_Glitter@lemmy.world 46 points 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago)

English cucumbers come with their own condom, but it usually has rough seams :(

[-] meco03211@lemmy.world 41 points 3 months ago
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[-] Mothra@mander.xyz 85 points 3 months ago

I've never used a veg for these purposes and I'm not planning to. I would definitely not recommend it to anyone, and I would recommend be very mindful of the hygiene of any objects you decide to insert for whatever reason- speaking from experience here, UTIs are no fun.

Most people don't use vegetables for this afaik.

That aside, the only girl who ever confided in me that she used a veg (a banana btw) also said she put it in a condom. She said she would bin it all afterwards and this sounds like what someone reasonable enough would do. I'd be grossed out if I was to eat something used for that and I'd feel awful to have my family eat something used that way. Just no.

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[-] gmtom@lemmy.world 78 points 3 months ago

Well she said she used it for 3 hours so I can only imagine it was in fact and edging case.

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[-] chemical_cutthroat@lemmy.world 68 points 3 months ago

Any cucumber you handle for 3 hours for any reason is garbage. You wouldn't put it in a salad because it would be mush. This is a BS post, obviously.

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[-] DeadWorld@lemm.ee 66 points 3 months ago

During puberty, should I start giving my children Amazon gift cards or no questions ask money to protect my produce?

🤣

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[-] Somehoe35@lemmynsfw.com 64 points 3 months ago

As the only female on Lemmy I'm here to say maybe. Possibly anything could be used for penetration. I have personally never used a vegetable. A cucumber could be too large and intimidating for a young girl so hair brush handles are top tier.

[-] Anticorp@lemmy.world 30 points 3 months ago

A cucumber could be too large

Thank you.

Sincerely,

Average men everywhere

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[-] bdonvr@thelemmy.club 59 points 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago)

Hairbrush handles are much more common. I'd say most girls probably haven't used vegetables.

[-] arin@lemmy.world 56 points 3 months ago

Most hairbrush handle designs are intentionally... yeah. But plastic is porous and nearly impossible to fully disinfect, so girls who reach puberty should be provided with high quality silicone or glass to protect them from getting a bad infection. Prudeness in our society will just hide issues like infection until it gets really awful.

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[-] pixeltree@lemmy.blahaj.zone 59 points 3 months ago

Is it normal for teenagers discovering sexuality to improvise sex toys? Absolutely. Cucumbers are generally a convenient shape and size. When I was a young male teenager, I used hotel shampoo bottles. (Almost got one stuck inside me, no idea what I would have done.) When the time comes to have that talk, mention sex toys and that if they want to experiment, they should use objects that are meant to be used that way and that you won't judge them for it. I'd probably also mention that you won't open packages addressed to them and leave it at that.

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[-] PeriodicallyPedantic@lemmy.ca 57 points 3 months ago

People are missing the more important question:
Why did she put the cucumber back in the fridge?

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[-] paddirn@lemmy.world 50 points 3 months ago

Chances are, if something can be fucked or used as a dildo… somebody somewhere has done it out of horniness.

[-] pete_the_cat@lemmy.world 44 points 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago)

I still remember about 20 years ago a female friend told me that she masturbated using a bottle of Bawls energy drink (IDK if they even still make the stuff). It was a glass bottle that was bumpy all over (think of the divots on a golf ball, but inverse) and she apparently used it on her clit/vulva.

When I was a horny pre-teen boy and had no idea how to actually beat off, I discovered that rubbing a silk/nylon pillow with pictures of cats on it felt really good.

JD Vance fucked a couch.

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[-] gandalf_der_12te@lemmy.blahaj.zone 48 points 3 months ago

Am I going to have to worry that my daughter, when she reaches a curious age, starts exploring with vegetables?

No. Worrying doesn't help anyone. Just relax.

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[-] fraksken@infosec.pub 45 points 3 months ago

Cucumbers are the gateway veg.

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[-] kersplomp@programming.dev 42 points 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago)

TIL there are like no women on lemmy

[-] janus2@lemmy.zip 38 points 3 months ago

yeah it's wild. every time i open ~~Lemmy~~ any internet application I turn into a guy? it's very handy when the women's bathroom line is too long

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[-] ChexMax@lemmy.world 42 points 3 months ago

As a teen I had little to no interest in penetration. Tampons didn't feel good, so why would I assume something else would? I wasn't really interested in penetration until I was interested in my partner specifically.

Once I (eventually) figured out pleasurable masturbation, I still stuck with external stuff mostly, and fingers in general. Eventually I got a job and a debit card and could privately online shop, but my little bag of toys continues to go mostly unused. Nothing beats my fingers.

I don't know about other women, but for me masturbation is and always has been much more about what's going on in my head, and then adding the pleasurable sensations to that, rather than experimenting with different sensations.

For a beginner I literally cannot imagine a cucumber. How many dicks are as thick as a grocery store cucumber? None I've seen in real life. Maybe in porn, but I can't think of any. It would just hurt. Beginners would need something maybe the size of 2 female fingers. (Maybe a farmers market cucumber that's skinnier?)

[-] anindefinitearticle@sh.itjust.works 42 points 3 months ago

I hope that putting them back used is an edge case. Compost after use.

[-] VinnyDaCat@lemmy.world 42 points 3 months ago

It's a shitposting meme. The poster has this pinned on their twitter:

That said... I have heard horror stories about poor theater staff finding cucumbers after the 50 shades premiere. Some of it was just people memeing and trying to prank but I'm not entirely sure about all of it.

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[-] Today@lemmy.world 33 points 3 months ago

Vibrators are much better than they used to be - quiet, rechargeable, and durable. I think your veggies are safe. If you're worried about it, only buy non phallus-shaped veg for awhile and see if anyone comments. I think (hope) those food sex things are just jokes, but i will not use a hotel room glass, coffee maker, or refillable shampoo.

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[-] DudeImMacGyver@sh.itjust.works 31 points 3 months ago

Veggies are certainly not unheard of, but everyone is different. Your wife and friend may be serious, or not, but some people totally fuck vegetables.

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[-] dutchkimble@lemy.lol 31 points 3 months ago

You better make sure your son doesn't have access to coconuts

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[-] BonesOfTheMoon@lemmy.world 30 points 3 months ago

As a woman on Lemmy, I have never done this. I didn't find penetration very comfy until I learned how to have G spot orgasms with my SO, but by then I was an adult and could buy a G spot dildo for times he wasn't around. All I can think of with a cucumber is that something would break off inside me and I'd get an infection.

[-] hungryphrog@lemmy.blahaj.zone 30 points 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago)

As far as I know, most women don't do this, but of course, if something exists, there's also someone who fucks or wants to fuck it.

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[-] ABCDE@lemmy.world 29 points 3 months ago

Carrots and cucumbers, yes. Rumours went around a neighbouring school after a girl confided in her friend, who then betrayed her trust.

They are cheap, easily accessible, and great replacements in countries where sex toys are illegal. Just... Use a condom around it please.

Oh, and don't put it back in the fridge.

[-] octopus_ink@lemmy.ml 29 points 3 months ago
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[-] Kaiyoto@lemmy.world 28 points 3 months ago

No joke, my mother used one when my dad was was away on work. I know because she forgot about it and my sister had the bright idea to go snooping around in her drawers one day.

I would hope that in our modern age with more access to privately get sex toys (thanks to the internet) that most people would not resort to using vegetables. However, is someone saw buying sex toys as somehow "wrong" then they might.

[-] YarrMatey@lemmy.dbzer0.com 27 points 3 months ago

Most teens don't want to put anything up there because it hurts, even tampons hurt as a virgin especially with 0 lube. I never liked regular dildos, most women do not orgasm through penetration. So I would say they are messing with you. I've had guys ask me if I ever experimented with pencils or rulers because if they were a girl they would do it. No, wtf only guys think women are like this.

[-] kofe@lemmy.world 71 points 3 months ago

Uhh. Hi, woman here...RIP my inbox but I think it's important parents talk to teenagers of all genders about this and consider having them look for toys they can experiment with if they express interest. Just because we don't orgasm from penetration doesn't mean it feels bad lol. Better they have toys available so they're less likely to use something inappropriate.

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this post was submitted on 04 Aug 2024
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