Does anyone else wish they could just live life in a vacuum, their decisions completely unperceived

I relate a lot. People always say to not care about what other people think. But how can I do that when my ENTIRE LIFE is made up by my friends, family, coworkers, et cetera

weed or clonazepam are the only things that help tbh

You're not alone. When you have your behavior closely policed by parents trying to quash your outward neurodivergence and are mocked by your peers growing up, it's hard not to be. It also has led to me developing intense rejection sensitivity dysphoria. It's hard not to care about what other people think when any (perceived) negative feedback makes you feel like you've been stabbed in the stomach. Things can improve, but it's tough.

lol yeah me too

I realized recently, had almost an epiphany, that I almost never do or say what I want, but only ever what I think I should. It becomes a problem in writing. I've had to write essays and other things where I've agonized over wording for hours and allowed my inner self-critic to torture itself over what kind of thing I should write, what kind of tone, wording, structure, all that. With writing, there are so many endless ways to write a sentence or a paragraph or an essay, that it becomes a bottomless problem to reason your way to the right one. At some point it has to be an expression of you, but if your internal self-critic is louder than you are then it can be a challenge.

Also, because I mask so hard, if I'm stressed out or events in my life are taking up a lot of mental resources, I find I don't have enough left over to mask, and I end up avoiding people.

I envy the invisible man.

I wish I was just better. Than whatever dumb thing I say or do is overlooked by my skills/attractiveness/wealth/charisma/etc.

I still think about mistakes I made in high school, over 20 years ago

Pretty sure this is just normal

Yes, this and analogous feelings are typical and part of the human condition.

When I get really in my head about things I've done for which I'm worrying about others thinking poorly of me, I try to remember when one of my friends or acquaintances did something similarly egregious, and I never can. Not because what I'm worrying about is super bad, but because it isn't. It's always something tiny I only remember because I did it and I'd never remember if I'd seen someone else do. That exercise helps me, sometimes

Yes, I work retail for my main gig, and am outwardly so many minorities people are going to judge me as lesser right on and sometimes say stuff about it. It trips my social anxiety every which way and the only cope I know to do is try to ignore it or dissociate, but we all know how worthless those are in truly adapting.

Definitely. I’m trying hard to change this though. I try to regularly make decisions that other people do not agree with so that I can get used to the feeling of rejection or the feeling that I disappointed someone I care about. Most of these decisions are related to my appearance because I’m trans. I know that for other people (maybe like you) this is maybe not feasible because the fear of repercussions is too big. All I can say is that I respect myself much more ever since I started doing it which helps me feel better about myself when I feel horrible for disappointing someone.

DBT helped me a lot with this