We have joint custody. Daughter lives with each of us for 2 weeks at a time.
Okay, most people here talking about "is it legal, is it gross, is the ex a cunt, all of the above".
I'd just like to point out that regardless of all of that, since there is legally nothing you can do, the best you can do is support your daughter. Don't engage with the toxic ex. Just let your daughter know that you're not happy about it but that you respect her and support her no matter what. And behave accordingly, don't get mad at her, show her your kindest side.
What your ex is doing feels like manipulation to distance her from you, in addition to rage bait you. Don't fall for that.
Yeah, if (more like when) things go south for the daughter, he's going to want her to feel safe and supported enough to call him. If she feels pushed away she might not reach out for help when she needs it, which is the worst case scenario.
This is a good levelheaded response. I'll also add I have 2 relatives who had similar age differences in dating. One ended in flames like most relationships do for 17 year olds (and honestly that whole relationship stunk of trouble from a mile away) but the other they're still together almost 20 years later as she's turning 35 and he's approaching 65 (they're at a similar emotional maturity level, and honestly could grow more as people in order to live more fulfilling lives but I digress)
Give your daughter the support she needs. Let her know you're there for her and will catch her when she falls and maybe it'll work out, maybe it won't.
3 adults and only 1 cares about the child.
In America, in some states, that's called "statutory rape".
I’m really sorry. This is a terrible situation for you - and your daughter.
That's beyond mildly infuriating. I'm pretty sure that borderline illegal and definetly sounds like grooming.
Age of consent in Germany is 14 but for someone over 21 years old it's 16.
That makes it legal.
It doesn't make it not gross.
Still 14 unless the over 21yold exploits an underdeveloped sense of sexual self-determination. Only prosecuted on demand, cases are very rare, and usually brought on by parents and then thrown out by the court after talking to the younger party.
17 is still young enough to fall under sugar daddying protections, "in exchange for money or money-valued things", those apply until 18. That would presuppose a transactional relationship, though.
This sounds like the beginning of a telenovela or a "Law and Order: Special Victims Unit" episode.
Definitely a lot more than mildly infuriating.
What a cunt.
My dad was the same way with my sister. Totally abandoned her to pedos, and I was the problem for having an issue with it.
I don't suppose there's any chance this could be used as grounds to get sole custody?
It's difficult though, because she's old enough that it's not going to be very long before there's nothing you can do to stop it, and even if you mean well, there's a chance this could irreparably harm your relationship with your daughter. Especially if it takes lawyers to do…
This definitely feels like a job for a professional family therapist.
Wtf dude! Mom should not be encouraging that.
Die zweite Hälfte ist ja auch mal ... etwas
Überkompensation.
This seems extremely phishy
Naja, pauschale Ablehnung bringt aber auch nix. Damit stößt du deiner Tochter nur vor den Kopf. Wie wäre es, wenn du dir den Typen mal selber anschaust und dir ein selbst ein Bild von ihm machst? Also rein des Zweckes wegen? Ich denke das hilft mehr irgendwie darauf einzugehen. Ich kann die Ablehnung aber verstehen. Da keinerlei Bedenken zu haben ist ein wenig dumm.
TBH, it works for some people. I have a cousin that was happy for 30 years when he married a similar age gap in the other direction.
It really depends on the person. My boss from the bike shops was 20 years older than me and his wife was my age yet they made a great couple too. They were both pro amateur level cyclists and finding a good match like that is not common.
I was physically disabled at 29, and if I was somehow able to recover, I would likely be more interested in someone 10+ years younger because that is how long my life has been in limbo. I didn't get a lot of the life experiences.
In the world of today, expecting the old normals is pretty much nonsense. Where I live, there is no chance someone in their twenties lives on their own and has any kind of financial stability unless their parents are creating it. Those types of people look to marry and date within their social class. Only fools at the bottom fail to see the social classes and caste systems in all societies. Your ex is likely right in my opinion. Most of our religious and cultural norms are little more than a tool to suppress the peasantry. Resisting the unfamiliar is common tribalism behavior but it has little to no value in the present world. The man's age is irrelevant against the measure of the man. I'm against taking agency away from your daughter. Meet the man with a open mind and then make your case with your daughter if you need to, but don't be dogmatic.
You are not wrong, but age gap should be considered relative to the people age. 20 years difference between 20 and 40? I guess, still not the best thing ever... Between 17 and 38? It's very very different, people mature A LOT between 17 and 20. Then of course it depends on the person, maybe this 17 years old is mature for her age, but maybe she is just being taken advantage of.
Also, the wording of the mother really implies it's an assimetric relationship, not really one between consenting adults, of course we don't know, but still...
Not saying it is like normal or anything. Am saying society in general in the west has far too authoritarian mindsets that are just dumb. If you go telling this girl she doesn't matter, at that age, you're shooting yourself in both feet and likely the head as far as she is concerned. She will not stop because anyone said so. She might listen to some amount of reasoning, but dogmatism has absolutely no chance of reaching a better place. It has a very good chance of getting MUCH worse.
That is true, for an adult issue, a serious and adult conversation must happen with this girl, even if it could be okay, the situation itself should be evaluated because it can get very gnarly. We don't know much about OPs way to handle it, but it's also possible this specific situation is fine.
Either way, I agree that just telling your daughter to stop doing something she clearly feels like doing, even if she has a distorted view of that something, is not going to help anyone.
Am saying society in general in the west has far too authoritarian mindsets that are just dumb.
How does that have anything to do with a creepy 38 year old dating a 17 year old?
It has to to with the reality of love and relationships from this young lady's perspective. It has to do with me refusing to reduce any person to a two dimensional assumption about them based on a single outlier metric. It is a respect for the autonomy of all humans. It is also a rejection of the backwardness and conflicting nonsense present in cultural norms. Like how the age of majority in much of the world is under 25 when science has proven that cognitive adulthood does not happen until this age. Majority is kept at 18 for moldable child soldiers that are just strong enough to fight but easily manipulated into fighting for criminal reasons like corporate interests. These types of ethics have no moral ground at all but are the foundation of Western morality. Nature has the ultimate say in physiological consent. Like it or not, that is irrelevant to the truth of science and observation. Read carefully and note that I have never once stated anything I believe here about what the age of majority or consent should be so far. What I really believe is that assumptions and stereotypes always hurt some minority of people. The more simple the stereotype is, the larger the hurt minority will be in every instance. Therefore I try to be very careful about judging others in ways that use simple stereotypes and restrict them in ways that might hurt them. So it is not my place to say. She is a kid and will likely make really dumb decisions, but so do most of us when under 25, and I wholely reject basing my ethics on child soldiers. In practice, everyone appreciates their own right to self determination. It is an unalienable human right. You have a right to be stupid, and a right to make mistakes, just like everyone has a right to try and warn someone of the dangers of the path they are taking and thinks like the limited perspective and depth of understanding inherent to youth. She will be a different person in 10 years time, but it is not up to me to assume I can speak for her now or for that person in her future. She is a product of her environment and I am not. I respect her as a fellow human and do not enslave her to my tribal ethics and assumptions.
I disagree, but your post is thoughtful. I'll just point out:
Only fools at the bottom fail to see the social classes and caste systems in all societies.
In my country, people of all classes fail to see the social classes.
Jupp, das kommt in den Gruppenchat mit meinen Schwestern
Home to all things "Mildly Infuriating" Not infuriating, not enraging. Mildly Infuriating. All posts should reflect that.
I want my day mildly ruined, not completely ruined. Please remember to refrain from reposting old content. If you post a post from reddit it is good practice to include a link and credit the OP. I'm not about stealing content!
It's just good to get something in this website for casual viewing whilst refreshing original content is added overtime.
Rules:
1. Be Respectful
Refrain from using harmful language pertaining to a protected characteristic: e.g. race, gender, sexuality, disability or religion.
Refrain from being argumentative when responding or commenting to posts/replies. Personal attacks are not welcome here.
...
2. No Illegal Content
Content that violates the law. Any post/comment found to be in breach of common law will be removed and given to the authorities if required.
That means: -No promoting violence/threats against any individuals
-No CSA content or Revenge Porn
-No sharing private/personal information (Doxxing)
...
3. No Spam
Posting the same post, no matter the intent is against the rules.
-If you have posted content, please refrain from re-posting said content within this community.
-Do not spam posts with intent to harass, annoy, bully, advertise, scam or harm this community.
-No posting Scams/Advertisements/Phishing Links/IP Grabbers
-No Bots, Bots will be banned from the community.
...
4. No Porn/Explicit
Content
-Do not post explicit content. Lemmy.World is not the instance for NSFW content.
-Do not post Gore or Shock Content.
...
5. No Enciting Harassment,
Brigading, Doxxing or Witch Hunts
-Do not Brigade other Communities
-No calls to action against other communities/users within Lemmy or outside of Lemmy.
-No Witch Hunts against users/communities.
-No content that harasses members within or outside of the community.
...
6. NSFW should be behind NSFW tags.
-Content that is NSFW should be behind NSFW tags.
-Content that might be distressing should be kept behind NSFW tags.
...
7. Content should match the theme of this community.
-Content should be Mildly infuriating.
-The Community !actuallyinfuriating has been born so that's where you should post the big stuff.
...
8. Reposting of Reddit content is permitted, try to credit the OC.
-Please consider crediting the OC when reposting content. A name of the user or a link to the original post is sufficient.
...
...
Also check out:
Partnered Communities:
Reach out to LillianVS for inclusion on the sidebar.
All communities included on the sidebar are to be made in compliance with the instance rules.