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this post was submitted on 04 Jun 2025
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From South Park: Episode 608: Red Hot Catholic Love
Priest Maxi: Uh-yes, uh, I'm afraid if things keep going the way they are, we could lose our entire religion.
Elderly priest: Yes, we've gotta stop these boys from goin' to the public!
Fat priest: They've gotta know to keep their mouths shut!
Other priests: That's right, yeah.
Priest Maxi: Right, and so... wa- wait a minute. What?
Priest: Yes, but we've got to find out why these children are suddenly finding it necessary to report that they're being molested. Stop the problem at its source.
Priest 2: Yes, but how?
Priest 3: [amid discussion] Something has to be done.
Priest 4: We've got to stop this-
Priest Maxi: [rising] Whoa, whoa, hold on a second! The problem is that children are being molested, not that they're reporting it! [all fall silent]
Elderly priest: How do you mean?
Priest Maxi: Well, I mean, obviously, what we need to put a stop to is all the sexual misconduct that is allowed to take place in our churches, and not just tell the children not to tell anybody about it. I mean, right?
Priest 1: Well did any of the children you've molested come forward?
Priest Maxi: No.
Priest 1: Well, that's good.
Priest Maxi: No, I mean! I've never molested any of the children in my church!
Elderly priest: Hih-it's okay, Father Maxi. We're all priests here; the doors are closed.
Priest Maxi: Oh for the love of God! Are you all saying that you've engaged in inappropriate relations with your altar boys? We are here to bring the light of God, not harm the innocent! [the other priests look at him and laugh] I'm serious!
Priest 2: Father, uh, having sex with boys is part of the Catholic priest's way of life.