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this post was submitted on 19 Sep 2023
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A kangaroo would fking shred you. And while you're trying to hold your intestines in it'll then beat the snot out.
As an Australian who legitimately had to do workplace training on how to deal with aggressive kangaroos (including what happens if you have to defend yourself from one) they arent that scary.
To really go nuts with their legs they have to stop, plant their tail and use it for stability to rear back and kick you and they really dont like being hit in the head and face. So if you keep backing up and moving laterally they arent that dangerous. They are also dumber than sacks of wet shit. In a fight for my life I'd confidently say I could take one, but I doubt Id be in a good state.
Would you fight a big red though?
Not willingly, but I think I COULD win.
Id be less scared of a kangaroo than something like a Deer with antlers or anything with claws. Roos have weak arms, my plan would be to somehow get it in a choke hold and wrap my legs around its upper body, squeeze as hard as I can and start praying.
Hmmmm sounds like a good plan so far We just have to work on the first bit…
“somehow”
A choke hold is how I think I could maybe handle a small wolf. I've play-wrestled with dogs enough to know how they fight. They're not great at dealing with something that's behind / on top of them. They're surprisingly good at maneuvering their jaws to bite at things that seem like they should be out of reach though.
If you could get under that jaw and keep it from biting you while you were also choking it, I think you could survive. But, getting in close without being shredded by the jaws would be the trick. If you were bare-handed but wearing a heavy leather motorcycle jacket to protect your forearms... maybe? In something like a tee-shirt and shorts, you could maybe win in a fight to the death but you'd take serious, maybe life-threatening damage.
I think, in general, people underestimate how well they could do against an animal in a fight to the death. There are plenty of stories of people fighting off sharks, fighting off bears, etc. Often they take horrific damage, but if the alternative is dying, "winning" is still possible.