How can I deal with not being able to help with other people's problems whom I care about? (lemmy.world)

submitted 1 year ago by dingus@lemmy.world to c/asklemmy@lemmy.world

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Hi all. Apologies if this isn't the right community for this type of question. Just let me know and I'll remove it.

Recently I've been struggling a bit. There are a few people in my life right know who I care deeply about. They are going through some very rough times right now. (Ex: money issues, sick relatives, etc.)

I am very frustrated because I hear about what's going on all the time and I am powerless to do anything to help. The advice I've had in the past is "just be a friend and be there for them," but there is only so far I am mentally and even physically able to go with that. All I want to do is to fix it and make it better for them but I can't.

And it's been making me go a bit crazy tbh. It's pretty narcissistic of me to be reacting this way, but I can't help it. I don't tell these people that I am stressed out because of them and I don't tell them that it is affecting me in any way. It's such an asshole move for me to be feeling this way but I just don't know how to get out of it.

I try to be nice and friendly all the time, but it's killing me. I just want to be able to help but I can't. I'm completely and totally powerless.

Surely there are those of you out there who care about others and have run into this issue before. What the actual fuck am I supposed to do? "Just be a friend" doesn't help my mental state or do anything for any of the issues that any of us have.

Thanks all.

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[-] partial_accumen@lemmy.world 28 points 1 year ago

All I want to do is to fix it and make it better for them but I can’t.

I'm going to go out on a limb and say you're a man, and not a woman. This is a common response to a problem when a man faces or hears about a problem. I'm also going to guess you're a young adult. Its a trait in young adults that (with the best intentions) they see distress and assume its not only their responsibility, but that its in their power, to fix someone else's problem whether they asked for it or not. Keep in mind, nothing I'm saying here is negative criticism. I was the same way in both aspect when I was younger. Age has given me some wisdom, and I hope sharing some can help you.

Lets break this down:

There are a few people in my life right know who I care deeply about. They are going through some very rough times right now. (Ex: money issues, sick relatives, etc.)

This is part of life. I don't care who you are, how rich or poor, how famous or unknown, each one of us will be visited by life and given various struggles to face. Many will be small, but inevitably some will bring you to your knees with pain and suffering you never knew possible, and others yet, at the extreme end, will take your life. This....is just life. The price of continued living, is signing up to having to keep hit some of these, and working through it the best you can. The main point here is that EVERYONE will go through at least some really really bad times.

And it’s been making me go a bit crazy tbh. It’s pretty narcissistic of me to be reacting this way, but I can’t help it.

Please take this next part with nothing but love, but.... GET OVER YOURSELF. You're not god. You're not omnipotent. You're this tiny speck of existence that is doing just barely marginally better than the person you're looking at that needs "to be fixed". I say this so you understand that you should only drive yourself crazy on these if you think that you have the power to remove this burden. Full truth: YOU DON'T! So you're not failing to remove these burdens from them, you're a tiny insect in a hurricane. You're just along for the ride, just like the rest of us. Make the best of what you can and what you are.

The advice I’ve had in the past is “just be a friend and be there for them,”

The "be a friend" phrase, especially to young adults isn't useful enough. I'd expand on it to mean:

reach out and check in on them, it lets them know another human cares about them
support them in their situation or decisions unless they those things are actively self destructive to them
if the self destructive things come, give the hard talk they need to hear
be available. This means to talk, but 95% JUST TO LISTEN WITHOUT TRYING TO FIX IT

Also, doing discredit their agency and efforts. They aren't young children that can't do anything for themselves or can't improve their situation. Doing that belittles the power and effort they DO have they are bringing to bear against the burden in front of them. Don't take that away from them. Support them, but don't de-power them.

but there is only so far I am mentally and even physically able to go with that. I am very frustrated because I hear about what’s going on all the time and I am powerless to do anything to help.

Understand your mental and physical limits. The most useful phrase here is "Do not set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm." You have a finite capacity for helping others. Figure out what that is, and what you're willing to give of yourself physically, mentally, and emotionally.

Finally, and this is a REALLY REALLY hard thing to come to terms with:

Some people are beyond your help or worry. They are an infinitely deep back hole where spending on them, monetarily, mentally, physically, or emotionally is never ending, and sometimes even thankless. There is nothing you can do for these people and you must protect yourself by cutting these people out of your life. If you don't they will drain you dry monetarily, mentally, physically, or emotionally. Many of them can't help it, but that doesn't change the fact that you can't fix them.

[-] QuarterSwede@lemmy.world 8 points 1 year ago

Another experienced adult here chiming in to say LISTEN TO THIS.

[-] dingus@lemmy.world 3 points 1 year ago

I’m going to go out on a limb and say you’re a man, and not a woman. This is a common response to a problem when a man faces or hears about a problem. I’m also going to guess you’re a young adult. Its a trait in young adults that (with the best intentions) they see distress and assume its not only their responsibility, but that its in their power, to fix someone else’s problem whether they asked for it or not. Keep in mind, nothing I’m saying here is negative criticism. I was the same way in both aspect when I was younger. Age has given me some wisdom, and I hope sharing some can help you.

I am female, but I suppose I'm a relatively young adult.

Please take this next part with nothing but love, but… GET OVER YOURSELF. You’re not god. You’re not omnipotent. You’re this tiny speck of existence that is doing just barely marginally better than the person you’re looking at that needs “to be fixed”. I say this so you understand that you should only drive yourself crazy on these if you think that you have the power to remove this burden. Full truth: YOU DON’T! So you’re not failing to remove these burdens from them, you’re a tiny insect in a hurricane. You’re just along for the ride, just like the rest of us. Make the best of what you can and what you are.

That's the problem though. I DON'T think it's in my power to fix anyone's problems. I don't just sit there trying to come up with solutions for people. But I just have people I care about that are in pain. And it kills me to see them in pain and know that there is absolutely nothing I can do.

The “be a friend” phrase, especially to young adults isn’t useful enough. I’d expand on it to mean:

reach out and check in on them, it lets them know another human cares about them support them in their situation or decisions unless they those things are actively self destructive to them if the self destructive things come, give the hard talk they need to hear be available. This means to talk, but 95% JUST TO LISTEN WITHOUT TRYING TO FIX IT Also, doing discredit their agency and efforts. They aren’t young children that can’t do anything for themselves or can’t improve their situation. Doing that belittles the power and effort they DO have they are bringing to bear against the burden in front of them. Don’t take that away from them. Support them, but don’t de-power them.

but there is only so far I am mentally and even physically able to go with that. I am very frustrated because I hear about what’s going on all the time and I am powerless to do anything to help.

Understand your mental and physical limits. The most useful phrase here is “Do not set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.” You have a finite capacity for helping others. Figure out what that is, and what you’re willing to give of yourself physically, mentally, and emotionally.

I do talk to them and try to be there for them, but there is only so much I seem to be mentally able to handle when it's never ending. But to be honest, I don't necessarily agree with the fire thing. I probably would sacrifice myself for these people. My life is objectively far less important or meaningful than the people I am referring to. I am more disposable than them if that makes sense.

Finally, and this is a REALLY REALLY hard thing to come to terms with:

Some people are beyond your help or worry. They are an infinitely deep back hole where spending on them, monetarily, mentally, physically, or emotionally is never ending, and sometimes even thankless. There is nothing you can do for these people and you must protect yourself by cutting these people out of your life. If you don’t they will drain you dry monetarily, mentally, physically, or emotionally. Many of them can’t help it, but that doesn’t change the fact that you can’t fix them.

One of my friends has recently tried to distance herself from the other for this reason, tbh. She doesn't seem to be able to handle it either and is trying to walk away instead of be there anymore. I don't want to walk away. I want to be there, but I don't know how to do it and not explode.

[-] partial_accumen@lemmy.world 6 points 1 year ago

I do talk to them and try to be there for them, but there is only so much I seem to be mentally able to handle when it’s never ending.

Is it never ending because that person continues to make choices that keep them in that situation? Is your relationship with that person structured around their suffering and you are simply a dumping ground for them to unload on? If so, you may be a friend to this person, but they may not be a friend to you. This may be one of those to cut off.

Alternatively, is this person could simply have too much "life" going on through no fault of their own (many times this is hard to judge of others). Even so, if they are your friend, then they will care about you too. You can have an open dialogue with them and let them know that you are beyond your safe limits in being exposed to their problems. Figure out how much for yourself you're willing to expose yourself to this person and communicate this boundary. If they are your friend, they'll respect you, and your boundary. If they get angry with you for this or boundary stomp on you, then they aren't your friend (or they're not mature enough to be a healthy friend).

But to be honest, I don’t necessarily agree with the fire thing. I probably would sacrifice myself for these people. My life is objectively far less important or meaningful than the people I am referring to. I am more disposable than them if that makes sense.

Ignore everything else I've posted before. For this moment I will "be there" for you and take my own advice when I said "if the self destructive things come, give the hard talk they need to hear"

Forgive my language, but this is Bullshit! Unless this other person is curing cancer or stopping World War III, then your life NOT objectively far less important or meaningful. You are NOT disposable. I don't know where you got these ideas, but this mental model, over the long term, will destroy you as a person.

You are NOT in a place to be able to support others. You need to spend time on yourself and find the source of this idea that you are worth less than others. I highly recommend seeking help from professionals equipped to help with this. Don't be ashamed to seek it either. None of us are born with everything we need to sort out this crazy world and our own place in it. However, there are developed skills that can immensely help. Given enough time maybe you could fix this on your own, but it may take 30 or 40 years. Take the shortcut. See a professional that can help you zero in on this.

[-] dingus@lemmy.world 1 points 1 year ago

Is it never ending because that person continues to make choices that keep them in that situation? ...

Alternatively, is this person could simply have too much "life" going on through no fault of their own (many times this is hard to judge of others) ...

It's definitely the latter. They got dealt some shitty things in life and there's not much to be done about some of these things. I don't think I could ever tell them that it bothers me. They really don't overburden me or do it incessantly or anything. I'm just not good at being a friend about it.

Forgive my language, but this is Bullshit! Unless this other person is curing cancer or stopping World War III, then your life NOT objectively far less important or meaningful. You are NOT disposable. I don't know where you got these ideas, but this mental model, over the long term, will destroy you as a person.

I don't mean that my life is worthless. However, objectively, some people's lives are worth more than others. Whose life is worth more? A heart surgeon or a serial killer? A 99 year old man who has already lived his life or a 25 year old father supporting 3 children? If you could only save one or the other in any of these scenarios, I know who everyone would pick.

Sure, most of the time it's not an overly obvious line like that. But objectively, my life is far less important than the people I am talking about in the OP. It's just a fact of life. And I both care about these people and recognize this. If I were talking about others in my life, the line would not necessarily be as clear. I don't think it makes me mentally ill for recognizing this.

However, I will say I looked into therapy somewhat recently and was amazed at how expensive it was. $200 per session after insurance. No idea how people afford it.

[-] balderdash9@lemmy.zip 1 points 1 year ago

This is the first comment I've saved on Lemmy. Well said.

this post was submitted on 28 Sep 2023

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